I just got back from our very first official Youth Bible Study in the church. (anou, Misaki? youth? x____X) Well, I was actually not planning to go, because the members are most likely high school kids. But then I thought I really didn't want to join the Singles Group (and discuss about marriage and work!? no way!), and I really want to be active in church, so I figured I'd just try this one. So I went to the core group meeting last week, and well, ended up announcing about the fellowship last Sunday, and went to the Bible Study today.

Well, somehow I really wasn't blessed with the activity. *sad* Actually, it was OK, but there were VERY young members in the group (i.e. 11 y/o) and some VERY old (i.e 50+ y/o?) people who decided to join too. So the discussion became quite weird, with the kids enjoying the scribbling more, and the "more mature" ones discussing stuffs that were not exactly "youthful". *sigh* I really want the Youth Ministry to work out. Even though I'm quite old to be joining it, but I've never been part of a Youth Ministry before. And I really want to take an active part in church now. I've realized that I can do more for God if I interact more with others, and then I can grow better spiritually.

I hope the next fellowship will be better. I will pray for it, and since I'll be joining the core group meeting again, then maybe we can brainstorm for new and more effective ideas. TO GOD BE ALL GLORY! ^____^

"Don't merely be satisfied by pushing others or just by seeing them moving forward. You have to go forward by yourself." -Kusanagi Kei, Onegai Teacher

Last Sunday, our pastor mentioned that we should "walk our talk". It means since we profess we're Christians, we should act like Christians. We don't only say principles, we must mean it and do it.

In connection with the topic on Teitai, I am learning that I am not "walking my talk". Last week, a friend texted me and told me that she saw her ex and his son, and she felt very bad. In an exasperated tone, I told her to just forget the guy and move on. For goodness sakes', it has been years already! I guess I was a little harsh on her. o__O I do understand that it must've been really hurtful for her. I should've been more sympathetic. But when it comes to issues like this, my natural response is to get exasperated and to tell the person to move on with his/her life.

I'm so good at that -- telling others to move on and forget their hurts. I'm so excellent at cheering people and encouraging them to be strong and brave. When in fact, I'm the one who desperately wants to believe in what I'm saying. Actually I really mean what I tell them. But I guess in some ways, I want to convince myself too. *sigh* It's so frustrating desu~!! It's like I'm being so fake! I am not. I'm very sincere actually.

That's why I have to fix this problem -- whatever it is!!! Last Sunday, I went in front of the whole church congregation for the first time to do some inviting for the Youth Fellowship. I even made a poster for the Youth ministry. It went well. That was a start. I really should stop thinking that my works are inferior, that I am in inferior. I should be braver and try out new things. I should try to believe and trust. *smiles wistfully*

Honda Tohru's mom (Furuba) told Tohru to "Try to believe. And in this way, you can be an encouragement for others." May I bless others with my life and may I reflect the Lord's love, goodness, and faithfulness with my attitude in life.

Now that I'm a bit rational, and my head is a little clearer, I feel that all I've been rambling about are pretty senseless. Wahehehe~ Why should I be feeling this way? I'm a Piffle Princess -- I am meant for greater things. And this suck-y attitude isn't going to get me anywhere.

"Maybe I was trying to avoid bad feelings when I withdraw, rather than being hurt by them. Pathetic, aren't I?"
-Kusanagi Kei, Onegai Teacher

Teitai. It was actually the term used in Onegai Teacher when Kei would fall unconscious to avoid confronting pain. They also described it as "stopping" or "withdrawing", and so in other words, escaping reality. Personally, i would define is as "pretense" or "denial", cos I'm learning that those are the methods I use to avoid pain.

Yes. In many ways, I guess I'm a great pretender. When things go wrong, i pretend I don't care. Like when I feel all alone, I pretend that it's OK to be lonely, that it's natural for people to feel that way. And in many ways, I also "sourgrape". Like when other people get good stuffs, and I don't get them, I'd say that I don't need those stuffs (or those other people don't deserve them). I can't play volleyball, and I'm not very good with girl-y stuffs, so I'd act like I don't care and I don't want to learn. It's actually a pretty suck-y way to confront life and its difficulties.

Anyway, I really don't like to be this way. I want to move on already. My goodness, I do not want to be like the traffic enforcer who stayed on where she was, all content, but still dreaming of the world beyond the horizon. I'm learning that I've actually been in teitai for several years now. I've been telling myself to move on, but I'm not!! I'm just good at telling other people to move on, but I just look at them deal with their lives, while I'm all stuck here. And what attitude do I give? The "It's-OK..-I-really-don't-care" suck-y attitude. But the fact is, I do!! I really do want to move on. I've lost much of my self-esteem already. When I was in high school, I was pretty aloof, but I was neither lonely nor shy! Now I'm afraid to try out new things in life. I even try to avoid calling people that I don't know on the phone (like phone companies, etc) because... I don't know!!! x___X

I'll have this attitude problem fixed before June. I have to be more positive.

I haven't actually listened to english music for a while.. OK, for a long while. >.< That's something i leave to my sister. But anyway i saw this vid the other day. Athough I'm not much of a fan of alternative music, but I like this song. I think it's really nice. And it kinda expresses how I feel these days... because I guess, I have been unwell. ^o^

Kusanagi Kei is just a normal high school student living in Hokkaido, Japan, until one night when he spots a UFO landing near his house. The next day, some strange things start to happen: his new teacher at school looks just like the girl he saw near the space ship, and when he gets home, he sees that she is also his new neighbor. From then on, things are never the same for Kei and his new teacher. (summary from Anime Academy)

At first look, i thought this was a very ecchi anime. The pictures in my anime dealer implied such. However, it was anything but that. Storywise, I can say that it was rather preposterous at first, but later on the real theme develops. I must say I was totally overwhelmed with the deep message of this anime, considering how I've been pondering lately of how to move on with my life. The characters were nice, although there really wasn't much development of each. Artwork was excellent, although I wish the teacher Mizuho was drawn more beautiful so that she could be more lovable. Music was OK - the first few notes of the opening theme reminds me of an Ayu song. *smiles* The low points for this anime - well, I thought it was TRYING TOO HARD to be ecchi, TRYING TOO HARD to be funny and TRYING TOO HARD to be romantic that it fails in accomplishing any of them. The plot could've been more improved, the characters more developed, so that the theme of the anime could make more impact. All in all, it was a nice anime. But I felt that that there was something lacking in it that would've made it so much more impressive.

Kare Kano, a shoujo anime by Gainax, tells the story of two model students Miyazawa Yukino and Arima Souichiro, and how they learned of each other's true nature and eventually, fell in love. I've always wanted to watch this anime and so I was extra-glad when I got to borrow it. Storywise, it was really sweet. The chemistry between Arima and Miyazawa was really touching. And the subplots were also OK. Although it's a typical love story, but it also has it's own uniqueness. The characters were wonderful. Miyazawa Yukino reminds me so much of myself! Arima is such a bishie that you can't help but fall in love with him (especially when he came back from his kendo training). And their family and friends were... peculiar. And PeroPero (their hippo-face dog!) is absolutely adorable. *grins* Opening and Ending Themes were OK, nothing really extraordinary. Artwork in general is nice, the type that I like where the characters don't look very serious or realistic. The colors though were not very attractive, kinda reminds you of old animes even though Kare Kano is relatively new (1998?). Super Deformed images were totally kawaii!! Especially those of Miyazawa. Two things I didn't like about it though were: [#1] The ending was really bad. Episode 25 was like so out of this world, and the last was like something they just cut out from the manga and hurriedly put together. It was really sad because many things were left without conclusion and the ending doesn't leave much of an impression. A friend even commented that maybe the artists were already tired of drawing o__O;;. [#2] Arima's sudden ecchi-ness really freaks me out. He seemed like a very wonderful bishie till he said those words. I almost fell off my chair. Even though it's anime, I still don't like these kinds of stuffs, and 15 year-olds who are doing IT is not exactly being a good example to the youth of today. Anyway, all in all, I like this anime. I would've gotten myself my own copy but I changed my mind because of those two reasons.

Last Sunday, we went to the beach. I would've went swimming but I changed my mind cos I really don't like sand in my clothes and I can't swim anyway.. o__O;; So I just stayed in the cottage while I watched my aunties and uncle swim.

Then around 4pm, my relatives were still planning to go back to the water, when suddenly, the cottage next to us was filled with commotion. Apparently the guys got very drunk and got into a brawl (that's why I don't like drinking and I am very turned off at people who get drunk x__X). Well, Guy #1 already had a knife in his hand, and if it weren't for the other people who stopped him then he would've stabbed somebody already. Guy #2, seeing that Guy #1 was holding a knife, reached out to grab the knife on their table, but his wife, who was wailing loudly like a baby, held him back by pulling on his shirt. Guy #1 was taken back to his cottage, his knife was taken away. But as soon as he got free, he started climbing out of the cottage, much to the shock of everyone. People started screaming. But Guy #1 was really super-drunk, so instead of landing on his feet, he landed face flat on the sand. His nose/mouth bled. Then Guy #3, who was related to Guy #2, took a big beer bottle, and started walking to the Guy #1's cottage. It was a good thing his other relatives stopped him, because I think he really have every intention of bashing the bottle on someone's head. Then Guy #4, who was Guy #2's son, was also so furious that he wanted to do a fistfight (What was he thinking.. sheesh!). Eventually, everything was settled. Guy #1's family left the place to avoid any more violence.

One might think that I must be out of my mind, but I was actually quite amused with the scenario. It actually didn't register in my mind that what was happening was for real. So the whole time, I just sat there - very near Guy #2's cottage - mesmerized and excited of what was going to happen next. It was like watching a Tagalog action flick. LOL When I looked behind my back, everyone in my family has already stood up and were all in one corner, far away as possible from the commotion. Then they hurriedly placed all our things in the box. My aunties didn't even bother to change out of their wet clothes but just wrapped themselves with a towel O__o. Then we left the place. It was then that I realized that it was a frightening situation. And I was just actually sitting there, amused! I wonder where my brains went. LOL

I AM IN LOVE (if that's possible) TO ARIMA SOUICHIRO.

Isn't he so adorable?? *grins* He has totally invaded my every being. *LOL* In my mind now, it's all "Ariiimmaaa-kuun... Ariiimmaaa-kuun..." When I'm alone, I would suddenly say, "Ariiimmaaa-kuun...". And before I would fall asleep, I would wish that I'm holding an Ariiimmaaa-kuun plushie (oh~ a live one would be hundred times better!!! NYAHAHAHA ^___^) instead of my pillow with the Pocahontas pillowcase o__O.

So what do I like about him?? Well...
#1 Arima is smart, and he's a model student. THOSE KINDS always have positive effects on me!!! (Well, unless if they are smart BUT they brag, that would put me in a KOROSU-mode x___X). But,
#2 Arima is NO conceited jerk -- he's really helpful, responsible, polite and nice and THOSE KINDS are really rare!!! *smiles*
#3 Arima has a balanced lifestyle and that's so admirable. ^____^
#4 Arima is good-looking and rich, and although looks and materials are not that important, but if they come with the package then wouldn't that be wonderful??? *grins*
#5 Arima is very very sweet. When he cuddles Yukino (we have similar personalities so does that mean I'm Arima's type too?? gyaaaa!!!!! ^o^), I could feel his warmth oozing out from our TV set. He always puts Yukino first. He treats her in a way that makes her feel so special. There was even a part where Yukino tells something like this to Arima, "I like the way Arima touches me, so softly and gently, as if I were someone precious to him..." Awww.. isn't that so so sweet???

The only thing I didn't like about him was that he could actually be er.. um.. ah... "ecchi" o__O. I wonder if that's the nature of boys. But other than that, I love MY Ariiimmaaa-kuun!!! (yes, even his dark side ^___^). I want to cuddle MY Arima till he feels sad no more. ^____^

Chobits is an anime by CLAMP, which tells of an 18 year-old guy, Hideki, who went to Tokyo to prepare for entrance to a university. At this time, persocons have already been invented. These are actually computers (yes, they can receive emails, surf for you, receive your calls, etc) and they are (very good looking) human-like in form. Now Hideki wants a persocon, but he couldn't afford one. Luckily, while walking home one night, he found one thrown carelessly in the trash -- a very beautiful persocon with very long blond hair, whom he called Chii (see my siggy below). Chii, however, is very different from the normal persocons. For one thing, she doesn't seem to have any data in her. Hideki and his new friends suspect that she may be a chobit, a legendary persocon who is far more special than the usual models. But before they learn Chii's true identity, Hideki must teach Chii the normal things in life.

Chobits is really really really a very cute anime!!! All the characters are drawn either beautiful or cute. And they are all so adorable, one can't help but love them. My most favorite character is Sumomo, a mobile persocon dressed like a little gypsy woman who is always so cute and cheerful (hey! sounds like me!! LOL but of course i'm not dressed in some gypsy costume. ^^) In general, the story is really nice. The theme, which is "searching for the right one for me", is really something that I like! ^___^ But somehow, the different love stories in this anime didn't quite appeal to me because, well, they were kinda "not normal". iie!! I'm not being judgemental! In fact, I respect different kinds of relationships. But well, a human falling in love with his machine is not exactly my idea of a nice romance (although Chii is totally adorable!! >.<). There were lots of ecchi parts in the story (Hideki is pretty ecchi... OOKAZU!!! Lol), and well if you can't take that, then you might be slightly offended o_O. But all in all, it's a pretty sweet and cute anime, which makes you wonder if there is really someone who's meant for you, waiting for you out there, someone who will love you and accept you for who you really are. *winks*

The Traffic Enforcer stands at the center of the intersection. She smiles cheerfully at the different vehicles whizzing past in front of her.

"So many different vehicles ne...," she thought. Big ones, small ones. New ones, old ones. Fast ones, slow ones. Each automobile was special. Each car has a story to tell... And they were all passing in front of her.

Passing in front of me...

She has been doing this job, standing in the same spot, for many years now. She likes her job. She gets to meet a lot of people, learn more about them, and smile at them. Oh, how she loves to smile! In many instances, while directing traffic, she'd meet some tired or unhappy drivers. They would look so sad, that it hurts her. So she would smile at them, and try to cheer them up. She would lighten their hearts, and make them smile. And everytime she would say, "Move on...move on..."

Move on... move on...

These people depend on her directions. These people need her smile. And at that brief instance when she stops their cars to give them a cheerful look, these people's spirits are lifted up. She cannot ask for a better job, than to touch other people's lives - even if only for that fleeting moment. So when they move past her, they are changed, even in a little way.

Move on... move on...

Yes. Eventually, these cars move on. They always do. That was the nature of her job right? She tells the vehicles to move on. But what makes it so sad is that while those people go on to another destination, she remains where she is. And so, at that split-second, the traffic enforcer realized it was not them who depended on her. But is was she who depended on them. She likes the feeling of being needed, of being important, of seeing other people smile because of her. She likes to help the cars move on their way. But when she accomplishes her job, when they leave her sight, she would always feel a pang of dismay in her heart. Because these cars move on, yet she remains.

A blue car whiz past her. A small child at the backseat grinned and waved at her, as if telling her that they were off to another more beautiful place. She smiled wistfully and waved back.

What is the world beyond what I see? I do not know. I never ventured out. It's not because I'm afraid. But because I'm content with where I am. I'm happy where I am. But sometimes, I feel a slight cramp within me. Because I wonder, what kind of a world is it out there... And what has become of those different vehicles that have moved past in front of me...

The Traffic Enforcer stands at the center of the intersection. She smiles cheerfully at the different vehicles whizzing past in front of her. (END)

***Whew! Please excuse the "crude" way of writing. *sweatdrops* I just wrote it spontaneously. I really didn't take much time to compose my thoughts. Well... one might wonder why I wrote that one. Well, let's just say that so many things from my past are coming up on the surface, so many realizations and thoughts in my mind, that I'm getting a little confused. Something was in my mind this morning, but I don't think I can explain it very well. Then this story came out of nowhere, and I thought it's a nice analogy to how I am feeling. I'm not sure though if it perfectly describes what's in my heart. I just wrote it spontaneously, after all. *grins*

I am reminded of a novel I've read, The Rescue by Nicholas Sparks. It was a story about a volunteer fireman, who always helps and rescues people in distress. He fell in love with this one woman he helped, but somehow, he was afraid. (*rolls eyes* mush.) Later on he realized (I think when he lost the woman he loves), that even though he was always saving others, it was he who needed to be rescued from the skeletons of his past. It was then that he had learned to free and forgive himself, and to open his heart to a brand new life with the woman he loves.

Misaki has a lot of thoughts in her mind. Please excuse her incoherence. ^__________^

Last saturday, we got a chance to watch The Princess Diaries in Disney Channel. I already knew the story, and there really wasn't anything extraordinary about it. But yah, I still got teary-eyed (FACT: Misaki cries easily). Because it was a story of a girl who became what she was meant to be, a nobody who realized how special she is - a Piffle Princess Story.

After watching the movie, I went up to my room and "felt very sad". *turns red* Anou, Mia Thermopolis (the main character of the story) didn't have a hard time realizing her true identity, because she was already naturally beautiful, inside and out. She only needed a make-over and lots of money (which her grandma has) to fund for her "princess" needs. She didn't have zits, extra adipose, or very bad physical attributes. And even if she wasn't very confident at first, confidence can be feigned. If you don't have it, fake it! Ne? Of course, that's a weird way of analyzing the movie, but that was how I felt. It wasn't realistic at all... (It's a movie, Misaki! For goodness' sakes!)

Anou, what about other "princesses" who are not naturally beautiful? Who don't have rich grandmothers to fund their "princess needs"? *sad*

The ending theme of the movie is a song by the Backstreet Boys, WHAT MAKES YOU DIFFERENT. My sister has been playing it after we saw the movie (yes, we actually have a BSB tape, a remnant of our preference for boybands in the past... o_O) I've always liked that song. It reminds me of someone I know who's very very different from the normal girls around her...

Well, I guess everyone wants to be appreciated for who they really are...