I SWEAR

[fangirl mode... ON!]

GYAAAAAAAA!!! I'M SO IN LOVE WITH LEE JI-HOON, KANGTA AND SHIN HYE-SUNG!!!!

Click THIS to know what I'm talking about!!!

Last night I was watching them perform on TV, and I was like grinning from ear to ear. My gosh... They are such cuties!!! Especially Lee Ji-hoon! ^_____^ And their song "I Swear" is really something! I can't get the tune off my mind!!! ^o^

I swear my everything in my heart
seul peum ee juhn bur ra hae doh nun mul bbun ee ra doh
I swear my love that you're everlasting
ki da ruhm ee juhn bur ra doh seul peum bbun ee ra doh ki da ryuh
sa rang hae sa rang hae ~
Just wanna give you my heart

(I swear my everything in my heart..
all the sadness and nothing but tears…
I swear my love that you’re everlasting…
With all the waiting, with nothing but sadness…
I’m waiting..(I love you, I love you)
Just wanna give you my heart…)

*swoons* Oh sweet! LOLz

more piccies here

ALWAYS WAIT FOR TRUE LOVE

Yesterday, my mother told me something amusing, and at the same time it made me wanna puke. She said that my father's boss called him up and told him that one of those GI's who visited our house last month wanted to be "kay siao" to me, because he sorts of "ka yi" on me! WHAT THE---!?! I felt all the hairs in my skin stand, and my response was, "NO WAY! NOT IN A MILLION YEARS!" I don't even remember what he looks like, and all I can recall was they were a bunch of GI's who went to our house and they were old enough to be my uncles. *sweatdrops* But my mother said that this particular GI is still young and he already has 4 stores and a really great car. *sweatdrops* SO WHAT!? I don't like GI's, so sorry. It was really pretty freaky. >.<

Oh yah.. terminologies... GI = Genuine Intsik (you know, those that came from the mainland); "kay siao" = to introduce; "ka yi" = thinks you're potential wife material. GO FIGURE! >.<

Anyway, my sister was quite indignant about it. She said, with much feelings *gags*, that I must agree (or did she make me promise?) that no matter what happens, we will never go into these "kay siao to GIs" stuffs and that we shall "always wait for true love"... *gags* *chokes* *dies* I couldn't agree more, but puh-lease, she didn't have to sound that serious.. ^__^

Anyway, on the other side of things, I was a bit amused at a classmate's reaction the other day. She was busy copying some song lyrics when:

Misaki: "What's that?".
Classmate: (shrugs) "Oh, it's the lyrics of Maybe..."
Misaki: (casually) "Oh, I actually like that song..."
Classmate: (stares at Misaki, speechless)
Misaki: "Let me copy too when you're done, OK?"
Classmate: "...."

I really took her by surprise. Ho-ho-ho. I guess she couldn't picture me listening to an OPM song, much more to something that's well, a bit mushy. u__u And well actually, to be honest, I wouldn't even know about that song if my sister doesn't play it often on her radio. But well, it's a pretty nice song anyway so why shouldn't I like it, ne? (Why does it seem like I'm trying to justify what I'm saying? LOL Can't I just simply like a mushy song!? >.< My favorite line there is "I wanna see you more and more, but you closed the door." HA.HA.HA. >.< )

There's also one thing that amuses me. Whenever some of my classmates talk about their *ahem* love stories, and I butt in by asking stuffs, their typical response is, "That's because you cannot relate, Misaki." Oh. *scratches head* Why do they say that? ^__^ Anyway, so I just let them say it and I just exit from the conversation. Actually, it doesn't really interest me that much anyway! Personal things are better kept to the self than shared to others. Well, at least that's what I think. ^o^

Okish. Enough about this. Yesterday we didn't have classes because it was a national holiday (HAPPY EID-UL-FITR! ^___^). And so I went to watch UNDERWORLD with some friends from high school. Ho-ho-ho. G-kun was quite impressed by it. Said he loves the characters, especially how it seemed that the good guys were really not the good guys and the bad guys were really not the bad guys. LOL I just found it OK though. I wasn't really too hyped over it. Somehow, the result of combining vampire and werewolf created a species that looked a lot like Nightcrawler from X-Men or the Orcs from LOTR. LOlz

And tomorrow, we also don't have classes! WOOHOO!! It's the XU Days and so our university is officially in festive celebration starting tonight till the weekends. In fact, the school grounds look really pretty now, with all the lights they have put up. ^__^ And there's a walk-in movie in the soccer field and they are featuring LOTR! hehehe Plus many other events and activities. But just like the past years, I'm afraid that I won't be enjoying much of the festivities. It's because... I'm too lazy to leave the house. *laughs* Besides, I still have a Surgery exam on Saturday. >.<

FOR P-CHAN


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"HUI ZHI BU QU"
by Melody
Xing Yuan OP

xiang shi le hun po / bu yuan fang guo
(like losing my soul / unwilling to let go)
you ni de gan jue / he ren he you ni de xian suo
(of feelings of you / and of any traces of you)
hui zhi bu qu de ji mo / shi bu shi huo
(can't wave off this loneliness / could this mean)
zhe fen ni yi jing diu xia de gan qing / wo hai zhi zhuo
(that i am still holding on to this love that you have cast aside?)


wo you dang zai ji yi shen chu
(i am wandering in the depths of my memories)
xun zhao can liu xia de wen du
(seeking for the remnants of warmth)
wo zai feng chui luan tou fa de jie shang
(in this street where the wind blows through my hair)
huai nian zhe xing fu
(i'm longing for happiness)
wo zai jing zi mian qian wu zhu
(i am standing helplessly in front of the mirror)
wo zai meng li huang luan zhui zhu
(i am pursuing in confusion in my dreams)
wo zai zhi you wo de shen ye li xing lai
(i awake by myself in the middle of the night)
gan dao... gu tu
(and feel... all alone)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ehehe.. *embarrassed* Everytime I translate something chinese, I always feel that that it is not good enough. And I feel a little guilty, because I might not be doing much justice to this song. It's really a very nice song, and Melody's voice is just awesome. It's a very sad song too. No wonder P-chan and I like it sooooo much!!!

Psst.. P-chan! Naka-relate lagi ko! LOLz Kaw? *grins* I hope you like my little surprise for you. I know you'll like this. (Well, I THINK. ehehe) I'll give you a copy with all the chinese characters the next time we meet, and I'll teach you to sing it too. But you have to play Koi Yakanamono for me and teach me to pluck, OK? ^____^ YOSH! Next time I'll translate those other stuffs for you, but now I have to go home na. For the love of Ranma de-su. *winks*

O BRAND NEW DAY

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
(2 Corinthians 4:8)

Last night I thought I was really going nuts with all the thoughts in my mind. I thought I was going to be like Sybil, and have a split personality. Unfortunately.. er, fortunately, I don't have that "honor". LOLz I fell asleep instead, and woke up around 2 in the morning, somehow feeling relieved. My mind has cleared and I was ready for inner peace. I was ready to let go of every bad thing that I felt. I prayed and read my Bible.

I have decided to let it all go. The anger, the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, the disillusionment, everything... It was interfering with my studies, with my life, I just had to let it go. I realized it was totally beyond my control. And somehow I knew that it was the right thing -- the only thing -- to do. Well, I actually knew that since the first day, but of course, when you are irrational, it's practically impossible for some sense to reach your brain. Anyway, I felt good. I felt peace.

And this morning, as if that decision was the main trigger, I think the tension at home is miraculously starting to clear up. ^___^ Our Pharma paper is being readied. I have finished reading my Psychiatry hand-out. I don't have constricting chest pains anymore. I can listen to and sing along with Jay Zhou (GyAaA!!! ^o^). I have learned to smile once again. YES! Life is good. The fresh air is good (my city isn't that polluted yet ^o^). GOD IS AWESOME!!! *jumps in joy*

I apologize for being quite hysterical. LOLz I must've freaked out and driven away those who care enough to read my blog. Ehehe ^^;; Actually, I was pretty freaked out at myself too! Kowaii de-su! I really do scare myself at times. *sheepish* Gomen ne.

Actually, I did feel pretty disappointed at all my friends (and if you consider yourself in some way as my friend, you should at least feel some guilt. LOLz), because the whole week I never really heard from any of them. (Well, except from those who left some comments. Domo arigatou. ^__^v) They probably knew that I was purposely ignoring my phone so they didn't bother to text. *sad* Hidoi de-su. LOLz Actually ne, I really should not blame them, because it's not in any way their fault. And it was probably a test intended for me alone. *sigh* I guess I can sometimes be selfish and dependent. Gomen ne... *hides in a basket*

I was thinking of deleting the past entries, but I decided not to, because these are part of me as well, and I did mean everything I wrote. Especially that part where I said that I shall forever bear the scars of this experience. I will never forget it, but I can learn to put it aside now. In doing so, I'm trying not to let external events affect the way I feel. I think I'm trying to be strong on my own and accept my burdens. And somehow, everytime I do that, I actually harden my heart even more. I am afraid that one day I might have a "fibrotic" heart. Nyahaha ^o^ Seriously, I am afraid that one day I just might put up too much "defense mechanisms" and become too indifferent that I might become incapable of feeling. *sigh* My sister once said I have a heart of stone. *sad*

In Tomb Raider 2, there was actually a part that I appreciated a lot. It was when Lara Croft was made to choose between the guy and her principles. And somehow I saw that behind her tough and cool facade, she was just a woman deep down. Maybe even weak and wanting to be protected. I don't know. Perhaps I just imagined it (or maybe Angelina Jolie's acting totally got into me. LOLz). Anyway, well, *squirms* maybe in some way I am a little like her. (Er, definitely not in terms of physical looks. Ehek ^^;;). And well, maybe my "fibrotic" heart just needs to become "un-fibrotic". LOlz I don't know de-su. Once, I almost learned to let go of the hardened part of me. Maybe even hoped that I'd be able to do already. But I guess there may be some things in life that are not just right yet. *sheepish*

I have decided that I wanna be as honest as possible, if not to others, then at least to myself. I wanna be able to say what I truly think and how I truly feel. At least somehow, this might help me keep in touch with who I really am. And maybe I don't have to keep so much and talk often to myself. Ehek~ u.u Um.. I think I've already said too much ne? So much has been revealed, nyahaha. I guess it's also NOT good to be TOO honest. *winks* LOLz

OK, 'nuff said. Wish me luck as I face this brand new day (and week ^o^). I promise to do my best. Ganbarimasu! =^__^=

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly, we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

PAD

I just came from my classmate's pad. I was amazed that she lives alone and so "luxuriously" (well, from my perspective, anyway!). She has her own aircon, ref, TV, PC, kitchen, etc etc. And there are all sorts of encouraging posters on her wall. I was awestruck.

I've never considered living away from my family. Well, maybe only once, when I was a senior in high school preparing for college. But that sense of responsibility and concern for my family prevailed, and so it never crossed my mind again. Besides, I have a hard time waking up on my own every morning, so I need to live with someone else. -__-;; But now, after seeing my classmate's pad and still feeling all of these horrible things, I think I'd like nothing more NOW than to live on my own. To go away and be independent with not a care for the world. To break free.

I actually want to rant today. I left the house with every intention of going online to rant about the way I feel. But now that I'm here, I am out of words. Ranting to myself for the whole morning must've drained all words from me, and so I don't know what to say anymore. Besides, I can't think straight with all these people in the cafe.

I am badly scarred. I think that even if all the conflicts in my life are resolved, I shall remain wounded and scarred. Even if people will start telling me comforting things or try to help me heal, I think I will not believe them anymore. I will never be the same again, because I have seen things that I will never forget, I have heard things that I will always remember, and I have felt pain that I will forever bear. Yes, I think I don't want to believe in anyone else again. Why should I when all they do is to disappoint me again and again with empty words and broken promises!? When they really don't seem to care at all about the way I think and feel and how I'm doing!? When in the most difficult moments in my life, they all leave me alone to bear all the pain!? CHIKUSHO.

Oh yeah, now that I'm starting to recall what is it that I've been raging at since the start of the week, why is it that everyone else keeps looking for me for answers and pushing to me some of the responsibilities that are not even mine!? I am already very much annoyed at their incompetence and irresponsibility. I am always willing to help out but at least they should remember that they have roles to do as well. Chikusho. It's always, "Misaki, where is ---?" or "Misaki, can you ---?" or "Misaki, please do this" and "Misaki, please do that". Even at home. I am not actually complaining. I just... I don't know what I'm saying anymore.

One of the many things I hate about myself is that I ALWAYS blame myself for everything. My rational side will always tell my irrational side that what I'm doing is wrong and what I'm saying is unfair. Like right now. Chikusho. I am always so hard on myself. I can't even get angry at others. I can't even say bad things about them. I can't even blame them. Because afterwards I'd feel so guilty, I blame myself even more. That's why I will never hate anyone else. But I will perhaps never learn to un-hate myself.

I don't know what I'm writing anymore. I also don't care. I don't know what I'm going to do now. Maybe I'll just go study and cool my head. Maybe watch a movie. Oh yah. I don't have any money. 'Kuso. "Kung wala ta'y kwarta, dili ta kalihok" (if we don't have money then we cannot move). Hah. That's actually the quote of the week. Anyway, I don't wanna go home yet so I don't know where I'm going now. I don't know at all.

LIMIT

Nothing in my life is going right. I don't know what to do anymore.

In school, I'm having a hard time coping with the lessons. Plus, there's that complication concerning our Pharma paper, plus the new "big problem" we have with one of our subjects. Not to mention that I probably flunked my Patho exam today, because I can't concentrate anymore in my studying. At home, everything's all tense and I'm playing several "roles" once again. I feel so helpless and I just want some peace and rationality. I actually don't want to go home. *sad* Not only that, but I'm having personal struggles and conflicts as well. Perhaps I'm neurotic. This week has indeed been very very bad. No wonder my head aches everyday, and I often feel a constricting pain within me. I look at myself in the mirror and I see very sad eyes. I've always had cheerful eyes. But now they look extremely sad, and every few hours, they well up with tears.

I think I have been stretched to my limits already. I have no doubt that this is a test that I must overcome, and that I have to choose to be strong and rational at this horrible time. But for now, I just want to wallow in self-pity and despair. I've actually considered running away. But those who have no money and nowhere to go to don't have the right to think about those things. -__- Besides, I don't want to sacrifice my studies and my reputation. I don't have suicidal tendencies, thank goodness for that. I don't think I can accomplish anything at all if I choose to end my life. That's a very cowardly way of dealing with life's difficulties. And besides, I am more afraid of God's wrath. >.< But I do wonder, if I am gone, will that make everyone realize my worth? Do I have to go that far?

Kenshin once said, "You can end your life anytime, but it takes true courage to live." *sigh* So I guess I just have to deal with this. How!? I have no idea at all. I hate this helplessness that I feel. And all these mixed emotions inside of me. Will I ever overcome? My life seems so bleak and dry. I have actually started to withdraw from the "world". I have emptied my phone of all messages and I ignore its existence. I'm also trying not to speak anymore at home, lest I say anything wrong again. Maybe one day, if things still won't go right, I just might decide to stop blogging too. I wonder why I am writing all these. Anyway, it is only in school that I try to laugh and act as if everything is all normal. I feel like such a fake in school. I wonder if there might be a time when I have to give up my studies. That would probably be a big blow for me.

What actually lightens my life now is my dose of anime. AXN is now showing new Ranma episodes, and so I channel my attention to it. That's what makes me go home even if I don't want to go home. Come to think of it, I started getting into anime during a very depressing time in my life as well, and it has changed my life in a lot of ways. But then perhaps, it's just a way of escaping from the pains of reality.

But of course, what's keeping me sane and still hopeful is my faith. I trust that all these is for a good reason. As Job said, "Should we only accept good from God, and not trouble?" These circumstances in my life are reasons enough for me to all the more strengthen my faith and believe in God's plans for me, even though I don't understand them at all. But still, I feel all depressed and drained and all that. I wonder how things will work out, or if things will work out at all. -__- Maybe one day I will just look at this entry and laugh at my incoherence. Maybe.

TSUYOKU JANAI

I am tired de-su. Tired of all these emotions within me, wanting to break free. Tired of hearing all the voices that are screaming in my head. Tired of all the responsibilities that are not even supposed to be mine. Tired of all the stuffs that are not within my control. Tired of all the excuses and lies that people say. Tired of all the disappointments that this world gives. Tired of all the promises that are always broken. Tired of all the uselessness and incompetence of those around me.

I'm tired of my life.

I really don't want to say that, but I'm saying it anyway. I know I'll probably regret later, but I really don't care for now. All I just want to do is VERBALIZE how I feel. Isn't that what they teach us in Psychiatry!? I am not complaining or showing discontent. I am just really really heavily-burdened right now. Emotionally drained. I feel my eyes sting all the time, as if tears will flow at any time. And sometimes it does. I'm tired of crying too.

I am not strong, you know. I never believed I was. I am not confident as well. I often feel insecure and hesitant. But I try to feign all these strength and confidence just so I can try to overcome all these trials and tests. I feel like such a fake. Behind the facade, I really am so weak. And in this terrible time of confusion and pain, I am still alone. As I've always been. Kuso. I am not strong de-su. Tsuyoku janai.

My life isn't colorful at all now. I wonder why I am blogging about this.

TAISETSUNA

Two days ago, I received a really nice surprise puresento, and I really like it. But I remember a friend, and imagine how she'll be extra-happy if she gets it for her birthday (she will probably faint or something *grins*). I am still hesitant, but I have decided that I will give it to her. She means more to me than the puresento, even though I also like it.

So that got me into thinking of how far am I willing to go for the people I care for. I've always believed that God created me to make others happy, and that if I can make a single person smile, if I can cheer someone up when he/she is down, then my life is not wasted. To make others happy makes me happy as well. It is their happiness that defines part of my happiness. Hm.. I wonder if that's right. One is supposed to hold happiness in his/her own hand, and not let others define it for them.

A 'bad' thing about me is that I cling on to people and things that matter much to me. Perhaps it's because of that drive to please them that makes me hold on to them. And well, that really isn't good because you can't hold on to something that is not yours. I'm thinking that perhaps the reason I lost some friends before (good thing some of them still remained as my friends) is because I expect too much from them. Just because they matter much to me, just because I am willing to please them, doesn't mean that they feel the same for me. I once asked if there is such a thing as "unrequited friendship". Isn't it that friendship involves two people? But then you can also treat others (e.g. your enemies) as your friends even though they don't care for you, so isn't that a form of "unrequited friendship"? I don't know de-su. I was never able to answer that question.

Recently, I met a friend from the past. And as we were talking, I thought that maybe if things could have turned out differently, I would have held on to that special bond of friendship. But well, things happen for a reason and we can never undo what has been done. And well, as I've always told myself, "You can't lose what you never had".

I'm speaking in cryptic words. LOLz Actually I don't like to talk about these things anymore. They often bring with them skeletons from the past. But my Psychiatry Prof said it's good to verbalize how you feel, and so here I am verbalizing. Lolz At least I can free my mind of something, even though it doesn't make much sense at all. >.<

CHRISTMAS

Ever since the "-ber" months have started, I've already been hearing christmas music everywhere. But it was not until last night that the winds of christmas blew its way to our house. My father arrived home carrying a christmas tree and so many different kinds of lights. It was given by his boss, and it was only expected, since my father works in a store that sells christmas lights and decors. LOL

We actually have a christmas tree already, but we don't usually take it from its box because we are too lazy to decorate, and even lazier to pack the decors up once the christmas season is over. But the new tree my father brought home is easy to assemble, and so my mom excitedly got to work last night. And this morning I saw her putting christmas stick-on decors on our windows. My sister insisted that we use the Rugrats stick-ons my auntie gave us, so if you happen to see a house with christmas-sy Rugrats on the window panes, well, that's our house. ^^;;

Christmas means differently to many people. To many, it's a time of gathering, of sharing and of bonding. To some, it's an occasion to give gifts (and to receive them! ^o^). And to others, "tis the season to be jolly, tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la". LOLz Whatever christmas means to you, I hope you won't forget the true reason for the season -- and that is a celebration and a remembrance of the birth of our Lord and Saviour. That is why it is called CHRISTmas.

There's a christmas carol that kids often sing in our place. They have "excellent" rhyming skills. Lolz *sings*

"Pasko na naman, magpatuli tang tanan."
(It's Christmas once again, let's all be circumcised.)
Joke de-su. (^o^)v

FOR THE LOVE OF NEO

"Why, Mr. Anderson? WHY? WHY? WHY DO YOU PERSIST!?"
"Because... I choose to."

I had yesterday afternoon off so I went to watch Matrix Revolutions. Tee-hee. It was good.. and well, still a little confusing. ^o^ I really like the concept, the setting and the fights (although there were more fight/chase scenes in Reloaded since Revolutions dealt more with their war against the machines). I was amused at the way Trinity poked the gun at The Merovingian, and the way she told Neo that he knew at the moment he looked at her that she was going with him to the Machine City. The Matrix is not a love story, but I dunno... somehow, I appreciate that. ^o^

And of course, I just totally ADORE Mr. Smith!! Lolz He's a really kewl villain. I like the odd way he moves his head, and the way his lips move as he emphasizes ev-e-ry syl-la-ble that comes out of his mouth. I like the way he sneers, and the way he speaks as if every word is vile to his taste. I like his sarcasm, and his insanity! ^^;; *imagines the scene where he screams, "THIS IS MY WORLD!!!"* He said, "Only humans create something as insipid as love". When I went home, I immediately looked up "insipid" in the dictionary. It means "without taste or flavor". Lolz Just like every word that comes out of Smith's mouth. ^__^

A lot of things went unresolved though. I thought Neo was supposed to destroy all the machines and free humanity from their clutches (although one look at the Machine City has made me realize that it was totally impossible). So what if Neo ended the war? What next? How long will the peace last? ("As long as it can." Bah.) Also, I am just thinking that perhaps it was Neo's existence that made possible the existence of Mr. Smith. He is, after all, the antithesis of Neo, so that the balance does not tip. Anyway, I also wasn't happy with the way Trinity died. I want her to die in battle, not as Neo's driver. -_- It was a such a tragic and gruesome way to end her life. But I guess she believes in the worth of her death, because she died for the love of Neo (and well, for the love of humanity as well ^o^).

Actually, I still have a lot of unresolved questions in my mind. I will have to discuss this with
G-kun the next time I see him. He's "the one" who got me into this Matrix stuffs, and that's good cos if I'm not into this, then I probably wouldn't be able appreciate the excellent animation and concepts of Animatrix. All hail the great Wachowski brothers for such an excellent trilogy and this interesting concept of the future. Even though I really don't believe in this sci-fi balderdash. ^____^

KYOU WA...

I am amused de-su.

I just checked my email and saw that P-chan has already sent the pix she took of us last week. I find my face very amusing. LOL It's BIG. For the lack of better things to do, I actually measured it (my face) the other night with a ruler. It was 6 x 8 inches. My mom said I am starting to look like my uncles (note: not aunties but uncles). That's not really something to be happy about. LOL But anyway, back to P-chan's pics, hm.. she actually sent her close-up pic too. I wonder how she'd react if I post it here or... *wicked grin*... use it as an avatar! LOL

Anyway, this week is PBL (Problem-Based Learning) week, so that means we don't have regular classes. We are just given a case and we discuss it with our small group and facilitator, read lots of books, and in the process arrive at a diagnosis, the pathophysiology, PE techniques, treatment, etc etc etc. It's almost purely research work, but the good thing about the PBL system is that we have loads of free time cos it's basically independent study. Our case now is about a man who complains of difficulty in breathing, and based on the triggers ("clues") given to us, we think he either has tuberculosis or emphysema. But then it could also be pneumonia or chronic bronchitis too. Hm.. I am supposed to encode my part of the group work but I'm lazy desu so I'll probably do it tomorrow. ^o^

When I went home for lunch, "Wo De Ye Man Nu You" was on Star Mandarin. I just learned last week that this is actually the korean movie, "My Sassy Girl" that everyone's been talking about. I actually have a VCD of it already but I haven't watched it yet because I let P-chan watch it first. So anyway, since it was shown on TV, then I decided to watch it. IT WAS TOTEMO KAWAII DE-SU! ^___^ Really! It was very very funny, and very very sweet. The guy wasn't cute, but he was soooo sweet! There was this instance when the girl told him that her feet hurts from her high-heeled shoes and so she sort of demanded that they should exchange shoes. He argued a bit, but reluctantly, he agreed to put on her shoes anyway! HAHA The crazy (but sweet ^o^) things people actually do for love. >.< It was a story of fate actually. They were destined from the very beginning. It's really really sweet!!! *grins*

Last week I was also able to watch another korean movie - Jang Na Ra's OH HAPPY DAY. JNR is so adorable! I've always liked her in NONSTOP and in her kdrama, MY LOVE PATZZI. Well, the movie is of the romance/comedy genre and it was also very amusing. ^__^ MANY MANY THANKS TO YUKICHAN for giving me a copy of that movie and the english-subbed version of FRIENDS. hontou ni domo arigatou! *hugz*

Well, anyway, after watching My Sassy Girl, I had to go back to school because I remembered that there was vaccination for Hepatitis-B today. We need this because we will be at risk of contacting the disease when we start dealing with real patients for our Physical Diagnosis class this sem. It's a good thing Yen-chan texted to remind me. So I went to the university clinic to have my first dose of the vaccine. It was given intramuscularly. It didn't hurt actually, but they say my arm will hurt a bit later. Sheesh. I actually feel a little regretful now because I didn't look when the nurse injected the needle. What was I afraid of!? Sheesh. If I can't even look at something as minor as that, how can I donate blood for Red Cross next time? Tsk.

Anyway, my head hurts. It hurts everyday. Bah.

O-TANJOUBI OMEDETOU, OTO-SAN

Yesterday was my Father's 55th birthday. We had some food and a few relatives and close friends came over. I invited P-chan and Yen-chan, and the three of us had a happy time eating, talking and laughing. Then we took pictures! P-chan has a mobile phone with camera and I insisted that she take my pic. LOL I'm not at all photogenic, but I like having my picture taken, anyway! *grins* P-chan said she'll send the pics to my email account. Maybe next time I'll share them here. *thinks* Hm.. maybe not. ^__^

It was really great that we were able to celebrate my Father's birthday together as a family. I think it has been 10 years since the last time we actually got to do that. That's because my Father used to work in Manila. But he's with us now. And I hope that it will remain that way forever.

Happy Birthday Pa. ^____^

NOVEMBER 5

Sembreak is OVER. Classes has resumed and it feels as if we didn't have any break at all. And it turned out that PBL week is still next week. So it's regular classes for us this week. Feh. Gues I wouldn't be able to watch Matrix Revolutions till next week. Tsk. But actually, I'm going to be very serious in my studies now. I am reading my textbooks already and I want to make better notes. Oh.. *turns red* and I will stop doodling in class. ^__^

Earlier, while I was washing dishes, I realized that today is November 5. A few years ago, this day meant a lot to us -- it was my Sa-ko's birthday (Sa-ko is third aunt from the paternal side). And usually we would give her a call to greet her. And she would usually apologize because she hasn't sent us any bisquits or delicacies from Iloilo. And we would smile and tell her that it's OK, that she really doesn't have to do that. Thinking about it now kinda brings tears to my eyes.

She used to live next door to us. My mom related to me that when I was still a baby, my parents would leave me with her whenever they would watch movies. And as I grew up, I (and even my sister) would often go to their house to play. Then she went back to Iloilo to take care of my Am-mah (paternal grandmother). But even when she was far from us, she always sent us food and gifts and all sorts of things. Whenever I went there for a visit, she would take me to the market, to the mall, to her friends, and even to Tagalog movies. *laughs* I remember we even ate cakes at this yummy cafe. She would give us some money and she would tell my Am-mah and my A-cheks (uncles) to give us some money too. She would buy shirts and school shoes for us. She also made sure that we slept comfortably and ate well during our vacations there. She was an angel.

And her generosity and goodness wasn't only for the family. She was like that to everyone. She knows a lot of people -- salesclerks at the pharmacy, security guards at the pier, vendors at the market, etc etc -- because everyone was a "migo" and "miga" to her (migo and miga means "friend" in Ilonggo). She would give them T-shirts and calendars during Christmas, and whenever she could visit them, she buys them food. And she would chat with them as if they have been best friends since time immemorial. Everyone who knew her loved her, because she was kind and sincere and caring and generous. And she gave without ever asking for anything in return. Someone once cross-stitched a decor for her which said, "You have a Heart of Gold", and it's true. She was truly an angel.

Then one questions why God sends trials and sufferings to good people like her. Five years ago, she was suddenly diagnosed with breast cancer. My relatives did everything they can to help her fight the battle. She underwent chemotherapy and other stuffs, had lots of medications and support, and of course we prayed. We prayed hard that God will not take away the angel he has sent for our family. But we really do not have any right to question God's plans and purpose. She went into a coma eventually. We called our relatives who were with her at the hospital, and they held the cellphone to her ear, and we took turns to say our farewell to her. When it was my turn, I just held on to the phone, I couldn't speak at all. What could I possibly say?! A few days after, she left us for a better place - to join our Lord in heaven. She's the second of my paternal aunties to have died from cancer.

I don't know why I really wanted to write about this. It's embarrassing actually that I'm here at the cafe and I'm trying to suppress and hide the tears that are forming at the corners of my eyes. *sheepish* But maybe, all I want to say is that I have never really forgotten my Sa-ko, and will never forget her even if she is no longer with us physically. She will always remain in our thoughts and in our hearts. She will always be remembered.

WANDERING PIFFLE THOUGHTS

I wasn't planning on going online today. But I need to kill time before I will meet P-chan, so I might as well visit some blogs and my boards.

Know what, I feel a really bad feeling within me. It's like my heart was replaced by something heavy, my insides are being squished and something is lodged in my trachea that is preventing me from breathing. I hope it will go away later. *sad*

Classes start tomorrow. I feel so unprepared. What have I done during the break!? I wasted so much time sleeping... *sigh* But at least this week is PBL Week, so we will have more free time for independent study. And maybe, I can sneak out and watch Matrix Revolutions. LOLz I'm quite excited to watch it! ^___^

Last night I finally finished the letter I have promised MianChuishi-chan since er, May? It was sooooooooo long -- 47 pages. I wrote it for ~12 hours, I think... *counts* Yah, 6 hours per night for 2 nights. I think I should be ashamed for 2 reasons:
1.Because the reply is late, and
2.Because I am forcing her to read 47 pages of my terrible handwriting.
*laughs* But I feel so good. At least I have accomplished what I have set out to do and have kept my word. ^__^

Yesterday, I realized something important about our responsibilty as stewards of money. I was able to witness very unwise use of money, and suddenly the meaning behind the "The Parable of the Talents" came into my mind. Tsk. Such a waste. It really made me angry.

Anyway, oh yah.. Now I remember why I feel this way. I feel like such a useless entity in this world. The year is coming to an end, and I really haven't done much for God. What have I done within the year that God can be very proud of? *couldn't think of anything* There is also this something that keeps confusing me, and making me extremely sad. I am really not that happy with myself right now. I wanna shut myself from everyone else. I feel so un-me. *sad*

But at least now I have arranged a new system for my quiet time, and I'm going to improve my prayer habits. I really don't care anymore if everyone and everything else fails me. I just know that God won't.