INTOXICATED

I feel like I'm "drunk" today. I don't exactly know how that feels like since I don't drink, but I feel like I'm just plain intoxicated. I think it's because I haven't slept the past few days because of our case presentation. And now that it's over, I feel like I'm just floating in mid-air. Or perhaps it's because it's October 29 now. It means I will not be seeing sempai soon. The thought alone pains me.

I'm supposed to be studying for our exam later. But here I am, wasting time...

I took a personality test today. The result was a bit weird...

::::::::::::::::::::
Misaki, you're a Politician!
Your personality is actually determined by two personality sub-types - your primary, or dominant sub-type, and your secondary sub-type. You are a Politician which means you are a Success / Golden. Your primary sub-type is defined by "Success" characteristics and your secondary sub-type is defined by "Golden" characteristics.

That means you're forceful, innovative, and popular with the masses. Chances are you aggressively pursue your goals, and you enjoy impressing people. You've always been surrounded by friends and loved ones and have a natural sense of showmanship.
::::::::::::::::::::

Politician!? Nyahahahaha. Go figure!

Damn, I'm supposed to be studying. Why the heck am I in front of the PC? And why do I think about sempai every 5 minutes of my time?!!

MISSING

I hate incompetent people.
I hate works that are done haphazardly.
I hate this case presentation.
I hate the fact that my status is [previous], yet I cannot sleep.
I MUST NOT SLEEP.

I'm in a really FOUL mood. >__<

I'm grateful to God for the following...
1. coffee -- because it gives me the drive.
2. Gackt -- because his lovely soothing voice calms me.
3. my sempai -- because his presence keeps me cheerful.

I talked to sempai earlier today. Actually, he was the one who started the conversation. And actually, I didn't want to talk with him because my status is [previous] which is most of the time equivalent with [haven't taken a bath]. XD But he talked to me, how could I possibly resist? And just as I hoped so, he never did forget the "funny" incident of how we first got to know each other. We talked about that, I think for more than 5 minutes? Tee-hee. Not exactly our longest conversation, but one of the most memorable. But then, all our conversations are memorable for me. XD XD I doubt though if sempai knows my name. I think he doesn't, hahahaha

I can't help but like sempai though. After all, I don't have any control of how I feel. I just have control of what I do with what I feel.

Today is October 25. Less than a week before we part. The thought makes me extremely sad. I have been very extra-cheerful and extra-positive the whole month because of him. I guess nothing really lasts forever.

I love this not-so-new song by Gackt. It's practically what I listen to everyday. I want to sing this for sempai at this point in my life... LOL

Missing ~egao o misete~
(Missing ~Show me your smile~)

machikado de mitsuketa ano koro no kimi to yoku niteiru ushiro sugata
hitogomi ni afureta toori o nukedashite
ashibaya ni oikaketeita

The figure I saw from behind on the street corner looked just like you did then
I slip away from the street overflowing with crowds
And quickly chased after you

itsumo soba ni iru no ga atarimae to omotta ano koro ni wa
konna boku de sae aishitekureteta kimi made kizutsuketeta
"kimi o hanasanai... hanashitaku wa nai..."
ima demo todokimasu ka?
ano koro to kawaranu omoi ga...

At that time, I thought that you would always be by my side
I even kept hurting you who loved me
"I won't let you go... I won't want to let you go..."
Even now, does it reach you?
The feelings that haven't changed from that time

kizutsukeru koto de shika jibun no sonzai o kanjirarenai
oroka na boku
kurayami de obieta karada o dakishimetekureta koto
wasurenai yo

I only felt like I existed when I was hurt
My foolish self
You held me when I was afraid of the darkness
I won't forget that

kimi to hajimete deatta hi no koto o ima demo oboeteiru yo
shizuka na kaze ni kami o yurasenagara boku dake o mitsumeteta
kitto dare yori mo issho ni ireru to omotta kimi to nara
boku de sae waraeru to omotta

I still remember the day when I first met you
As the soft wind swung your hair, you looked just at me
You surely thought that I would be there with you more than anyone else
If I was with you, I thought that even I could smile

hanareru koto ga kore hodo tsurai koto da to
kizukanai furi shite kyou made hashiritsuzuketekita...

I didn't realize that letting go would be this painful
I pretended that and kept running until today....

boku ga kiete kara nakitsuzuketeita kimi ga shinpai datta kedo
boku no shiranai dareka to yorisotte aruku kimi o mitsuketa
sukoshi otona ni natta kimi wa motto suteki ni waratteta
mou nido to kimi wa nakanai de kimi wa nakanai de
egao o misete

You kept crying after I vanished, and I worried about you
But then I saw you walking close with someone I didn't know
You've grown up a bit, and laughed so beautifully
Never again, you won't cry again, you won't cry again
Show me your smile...

It's a damn sad song.
And I'm damn sick in the head. T______T

THE IRONY OF LIFE

::: with the bad news comes the good news :::

I’m now on my third week of rotation as a clerk for Internal Medicine in MRH. It had been quite a VERY taxing experience so far. The physical workload is less since it is a smaller and private hospital, and we don’t really get much hands-on experience on our patients because they are paying clients who prefer their own physicians to attend to their needs. Our main responsibilities are only to see and admit patients, and to do our daily progress notes. Unfortunately, it is not as easy as it sounds. The pressure here is mental and emotional. We have to study, study, study and STUDY even more. We have to learn to rationalize and correlate everything that is happening to our patients straight away. And we have to do daily endorsements TWICE a day where we are practically grilled and pushed to the point of breaking down. Even though I know this is part of the training and we still need to learn so much, yet it just seems that all our efforts are fruitless and we don’t really know anything! And no matter how hard we try, we are just not catching up with the pace that our residents have set and this pressure is just suffocating us and psychologically destroying us everyday. All of us are already depressed and drained, and two of my groupmates have already shed tears of frustration. Even I myself am so tired of feeling the worthlessness in all that I do. This is the only point in my entire medicine life that I start questioning and doubting if I am really fit to become a doctor. [very sad] Of course we just try to ignore these negative thoughts and feelings, but we are still distressed.

I cannot deny though that despite the hard life that we are enduring, we have at least learned something. In a private hospital, we can see the more ideal approach and management of patients. We go on rounds with our consultants and residents and we pick up techniques of history taking and physical examination along the way as well as adapt the kind of thinking they do. And since we are pushed to study our books, we understand more of what is happening to the health of our patients. I have also seen a lot of interesting conditions like acute respiratory distress syndrome, guillain-barre syndrome, and even a probable case of meningococcemia! I probably would never forget that since Hya and I were the ones who personally mechanically-ventilated the patient (who eventually expired). We all had to take prophylaxis afterwards because as we all know, meningococcemia is an infective disease which may be fatal. ^^;;

I really don’t know how to express all these built up emotions I have within me. We are happy that we are learning but at the same time, we are not happy that we are doing it in such a manner that we lose our sense of pride and self-confidence. I know it’s probably for our own good yet I think there are so many ways to improve ourselves, and being pressured to do so and to feel insignificant in all that we do just doesn’t seem so right. Anyway, with the bad news comes the good news. We are so looking forward and counting the days when we can go back to NMMC next month. There may be more patients and more work to be done there, but that place feels more like home to us.



::: with the good news comes the bad news :::

This is the least of all things imaginable. I believe fate is on my side. All that I can think of right now is that God knows everything and God is good to me. He knew beforehand that my life is MRH will break me down emotionally. He knew in advance that I would need a lot of strength and loads of inspiration to keep me sane and cheerful. He knew exactly what I need.

It was probably my second week in MRH when Dr Simbulan suddenly arrived with someone in my station. I wasn’t really paying so much attention since he is a surgeon and not an IM consultant. And I couldn’t see very well since I wasn’t wearing my glasses. But when I looked up as Dr Simbulan introduced his companion – the new surgery pre-resident, I went into a totally BOKU WA SHOCK MODE DE-SU!!! Of all the people that I can think of, I never would have expected HIM to appear before my very eyes! Guess who?! Nyahahahaha It was actually my sempai, the one I just mentioned here a few weeks ago. The one whom I thought I would never see again. The one who I stalked around during my first year. The one who I liked so so so so much since day one of med school. The one who can brighten up my day and warm my heart just by his mere existence.
[very very big smile ^______________________________^]

Ever since that memorable day, I could no longer keep my feet on the ground. I feel as if I am on cloud nine everyday. I get energized just by seeing him (and I do get to see him A LOT since MRH is so small). I get intoxicated whenever he’s near me. I get flustered whenever he speaks to me (YES! He actually talks to me! Nyahahahaha ^_____^) Heck, I even become so restless just by hearing his name being called in the paging system. I don’t know how it happened, but it happened. A dream just became real.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, it doesn’t take much to make me happy. The mere fact that I can see him everyday already livens up my spirit and strengthens me to go on (corny as that may actually sound, nyahahaha). I feel so much happier now, just because I see him everyday. It’s so silly that I can actually think and feel this way! I just find him totally adorable! It’s as if I’m watching Kimura Takuya or Gackt, but only, this is not TV.
It’s real. ^____________^

[sigh] With the good news comes the bad news. I feel sad that my rotation in MRH will end in around two week’s time. That means I probably won’t see him again until I go back during my Pedia rotation or perhaps, maybe I would never get to see him again after this. It’s very sad that I am so much looking forward to going back to NMMC, yet I am also dreading that day when I won’t see my sempai again. I am actually afraid that the single nurses and residents will feast over him when I am no longer there (nyahahaha, as if I actually have a control over that! ^o^). Oh, why does he have to be in the place where I don’t want to be?! o_____0 And what is going to happen to me when I will part ways with him and go back to NMMC?! (actually, nothing will happen to me, nyahahahaha...)

Anyway, I’ll point out another example how God is so so so extra good to me:
My sempai and I... we have the same schedule. We go on 24-h duty together. ^______^