Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Today was our last day in Internal Medicine-NMMC. We ended it by having a case presentation in front of our consultants and residents. However, it didn’t go as well as we thought it would. In fact, it was a terrible and traumatizing experience which I would rather not discuss. Remembering what happened today and the harsh words that were exchanged may make me wanna puke all over my blog.
Anyway, it’s time to say bye bye now to Internal Medicine. I shall bid those hypertensives, diabetics, asthmatics, chronic renal failure patients, etc etc a warm farewell. And I would also like to thank and wave adieu to all my beloved residents in NMMC who have been nothing but super, extra, wonderfully nice to us. Tomorrow, I will officially be a PEDIA CLERK, and I will go back to Maria Reyna Hospital once again. I really don’t like going back to that place again. But still, there is
"Pagka't sa isang taong mahal mo ng buong puso,
Lahat ay gagawin...
Makita kang muli..."
Nyaks. It’s not Panday, or anything. 0__o
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Thursday, November 17, 2005
(here's a nice story i read today.. ^.^)
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's one cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered,
"THE TEETH."
(nyahahahahahahahaha ^.^)
I just came back from a very enjoyable night. Dr Mangorsi and Dr Eppie were so so so so nice to actually treat Bandoy, Hya and me to dinner at PJoe’s and then to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire!! YEY!!! [jumps around in glee] YEY!!! [jumps around in glee] YEY!!! [jumps around in glee] I feel overjoyed just at the thought of it because I never thought I could watch it today. Frankly, Hya and I are post-duty and we, er, still haven’t taken our baths… [embarrassed x__X] But Dr Mangorsi said “KEBS” and she said it was FREE so we couldn’t help ourselves, we just had to go with them.
And damn, it was great! ^______^ The boyz are all so tall and big, and Emma Watson is such a pretty young lady now. It’s hard to believe that they’re all grown up, and that we actually grew up with them. I like the actors who played Cedric Diggory, Victor Krum and Fleur Delacour. And I am just so pleased that they chose Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort!!! [claps hands] He’s so Dark Lord-ish! I love it! [giggles] For me, I think this movie by far is the most satisfying and exciting among the four HP movies (although I love the previous movies as well). I hope they’d hurry up with the next movie and I hope the actors don’t grow up too fast so that they’d still be able to play the characters until the last book.
YEY!!! [jumps around in glee again]
Oh yah, before I forget, I just received the CDs from Andrew today. YEY!!! Most of the CDs are Juhara’s orders though. But it doesn’t matter anyway cos I can always borrow from her. We ordered the following anime: Tenjou Tenge, Wolf’s Rain, Otogizoushi, and Tsubasa Chronicle (YEY!! YEY!! This is what I’m most looking forward to ^___^), as well as the following Jap movies: Hana and Alice, Yomigaeri, Go, G@me, Crying out For Love In The Center of The World, and Install. I’m just so excited!!! ^___________^
Anyhoo, Must.Take.Bath.Now. [giggles] I reek. Nyahahahahahahahahaha
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
I am going to Manila for the first time. This Sunday. On an airplane. I will stay there for two days. YIPEE!!!
I will finally get to meet Trina! YEY! And if I'm lucky, I can meet Suoh too! YEY! And of course I'll see Catherine again! YEHEY!
I pray that God will put me in the place where He wants me to be.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
(God, Please Give Me A Second Chance)
I told him.
Perhaps it’s because my rationality is impaired right now after the successive sleepless nights I’ve had preparing for our case presentation. Maybe it’s just because it’s already the end of the month, the dreaded time for goodbye. Or it could be because I am just plain crazy, and I just happen to have a surge of astonishing courage from who knows where. I don’t know the reason.
But I told him.
And now I’m telling the world.
October 28 [friday] - 1100h
Our case presentation is finally over. I’m sleeping in the senior clerks' quarters with my group mates who are all as exhausted as I am. I dreamed of my sempai for one hour and woke up feeling very happy, at the same time feeling very sad. My head is still spinning from the fatigue. I suddenly had the idea that I want to talk to my sempai.
October 28 [friday] - 1800h
I went home still feeling light-headed. I texted Hya and jokingly mentioned my plan. She wasn't very enthusiastic about it. I wanted to study with Hya at XU-JPRCM that night, but I fell asleep in my own room instead.
October 29 [saturday] - 730h
Hya and I are on duty today. It’s our last 24h duty in MRH, and our last duty together with my sempai. I am decided to go on with my plan, but feel ridiculous at the mere thought of it.
October 29 [saturday] - 1730h
Hya and I just returned to MRH from our supposedly lecture from school (but we went somewhere else, nyahahahaha). At the ER, there are so many patients, and Doc Musni just informed us that she already admitted FOUR patients while we were out [*grumble* *grumble*]. I noticed my sempai wearing a light yellow (my favorite color! ^o^) shirt beneath his white smock. I thought he looked absolutely adorable! ^o^ But he's busy attending to a pedia case for emergency OR. I figured he would be busy that night, and the thought made me sad.
October 29 [saturday] - almost 2200h
We've had successive admissions since we arrived in the afternoon. I am now in the ER waiting for Dr Musni to admit Dr Surdilla’s patient. I don’t know what to do with the patient. Hya is nowhere to be found, probably getting ABGs from patients in the ward. My sempai suddenly arrives and told the ER nurses to wait for him. I didn’t notice when he came back but I think he brought some food for them. The nurses were happy as they went home. My sempai looked pleased because I think he also ate dinner.
October 29 [saturday] - 2300h
Hya and I are both hungry. We weren’t able to eat dinner, and there's no fastfood delivery anymore. I dialled the phone in frustration and my sempai probably noticed our anxiety because he asked what’s wrong and we told him we haven’t had dinner yet. He offered some of the food he brought for the nurses. I think Hya was planning to accept the offer, but I was quick to decline. I don’t know why, but I didn’t like the thought of my sempai giving me something he intended for others to have.
October 29 [saturday] - 2350h
Hya and I still haven’t had dinner. I noticed my sempai brush his teeth. As he started to walk towards the surgery cubicle, I wanted to stop him and tell him that I have something important to say, but I was too much of a coward. He enters the room and closes the door behind him. He turns off the lights too.
October 30 [sunday] - 0030h
Hya and I ate BREAD. It was the only thing we could buy at that unholy hour. Hya drank Milo. I drank 2 cups of coffee. I wasn’t talking to Hya because I was FRUSTRATED. I was frustrated, because I was hungry and we're only eating bread. I was frustrated, because I wasn’t able to talk with my sempai and now he is ASLEEP! My mind was desperately praying to God to give me another chance. I went to the IM cubicle and in my frustration, fell asleep, believing that I would live in regret for the rest of my life.
October 30 [sunday] - 0145h
I woke up because there was an OPD patient. I referred him to my resident and then prescribed him some home meds, but he kept on lying in the bed in the IM cubicle, and so I couldn’t go back there to sleep. I noticed that my sempai was awake and reading a newspaper. I felt happy that he was awake. I feel that God is good to me. I started to feel tense and shy.
October 30 [sunday] - 0200h
I told Hya that I was telling him already. Hya was never convinced that I could do it, and she just said that she would support me in whatever decisions I‘d make. I left the quarters and approached the ER table where my sempai was sitting. I sat in front of him. I received a text message from Hya telling me “AJA!” (LOL). I was feeling nervous all over. I looked at my sempai, but I couldn’t say the words I wanted to say. In my desperation to talk to him about anything at all, I asked if it was his ultimate dream to become a doctor.
He was polite enough to talk to me, and then he proceeded on to give me info about the board exams, and he also told me about his experiences when he was still an intern. He told me that it’s good to take risks. He told me so many important things. As much as I am thankful for his advice, I was only half absorbing what he was saying. The other half of my attention was divided to: # 1 – fretting because I still wasn’t able to push through with my plan; and # 2 – staring at him, and thanking the Lord for the most adorable sight at 2 o’clock in the morning. ^______^ I could tell that my sempai was already very sleepy, but he couldn’t go back to his cubicle because I was still there. I thought it was so nice of him to talk to me and share with me some of his principles in life. The more he spoke, the more I thought that he’s a very responsible and decent individual, and that he is just so so so so so so so so SWEET! ^_____^
October 30 [sunday] - 0230h
While my sempai is still talking to me, I was planning at the back of my mind how to tell him about how I feel. I was still hesitant to do it. I don’t know how I could possibly do it. Then the phone suddenly rang, and the ER nurse who was sleeping at the other end of the table answered it and then handed the phone to me. I was informed that we have to intubate a patient in station 3. I didn’t want to go, not when my sempai was still telling me so many things about himself and not when I still haven’t told him anything! But duty calls first, and I sadly informed my sempai that I need to go up. I thought there was a flicker of relief in his face. I think he was really sleepy and he was probably glad that I was going elsewhere, nyahahahaha. He proceeded to the surgery cubicle while I headed to wake Hya up. My mind was in turmoil because I still wasn’t able to confess. In desperation, I blurted out to him, “Doc, I know you’re busy, but I really NEED to tell you something later…” He looked confused, and I was equally dumbfounded at my impulsive action. We went our separate ways.
October 30 [sunday] - 0400h
We finished intubating the patient in SJ-5 and we monitored him until stable as well as attempted a futile NGT insertion on him. I felt sleepy and tired, and frustrated again that I wasn’t able to tell my sempai about how I feel. I thought that God already gave me my chance, and I just didn’t use it wisely. I wanted to text my sempai, but thought it would be foolish to do so. I looked at the surgery cubicle and noted that the lights were off again. I went to the IM cubicle and slept again.
October 30 [sunday] - 0530h
The ER nurse woke me up and informed me that I had another OPD patient. It was a case of amoebiasis. I noticed that my sempai was also up, and he also had a patient.
October 30 [sunday] - 0630h
My sempai was chatting with the nurses and eating bread. He actually offered me bread, but I declined again. I was feeling remorse deep within my heart. The sun is bright and shining now, yet I never got the chance to tell him how I feel. We won’t go on duty together anymore. I was leaving MRH already. I felt that I am running out of time. I was desperate, at the same time, hesitant.
October 30 [sunday] - 0645h
I was sitting glumly in the senior clerks quarters. Hya just finished washing her face and told me that if I really want to talk with my sempai, he’s just outside. I went out, and was surprised that my sempai was washing his face (I find this sooooooo... CUTE! ^o^). Then he left the ER, and I felt sad again. I brushed my teeth and washed my face, then I was a bit alarmed when I noticed that he was behind me, talking to some nurses. Then he went back inside the surgery cubicle.
October 30 [sunday] - 0700h
I have been standing in the IM cubicle for more than 5 minutes, fidgeting nervously as I stared at the surgery cubicle. I actually don’t know what my sempai is doing inside, probably studying or something. I really want to knock on his door, but I didn’t have the strength to do it. An ER nurse knocked on his door, and when she opened it for a split second, I noticed that my sempai was actually lying in bed, LOL. Then Hya arrived in the IM cubicle and said that it’s about time we go on rounds already. I told Hya that I want to talk to my sempai so badly and I want to talk to him NOW. Hya was still not convinced, and she said that if I really want to do it, then I should just do it. I told Hya to accompany me and asked her to knock on the door. Maybe it was at around this point that Hya probably realized that I was serious and not joking. She didn’t want to go in with me, but I insisted. We stood in front of the surgery door, and Hya asked me if I was sure. I said yes. She was about to knock on the door when the ER nurse suddenly showed up again and asked what we were doing. Hya said we just wanted to ask Doc about something. The ER nurse then said, “So, go ahead” and she knocked on the door, opened it and announced, “Doc, the clerks wanna ask you something.” And she ushered us in and closed the door behind us. There was no turning back now.
October 30 [sunday] - 0705h
My sempai was lying in the bed, in left lateral decubitus position, and I thought once again that he was so CUTE. Thank God for such a blessing so early in the morning! ^_____^ He was smiling, being his usual friendly self and asked us if we were referring patients to him. Hya fidgeted and said no, and I think she said a lame joke. I don’t know. I couldn’t think anymore. The room seemed too small, and I felt dyspneic. I was having palpitations that I am attributing to the 2 cups of coffee I drank the night before, and my arms and legs were all shaking. I had to put both of my hands in my pockets in my nervousness. I didn't even noticed that I forgot to comb my hair. o__0 My sempai sat up, and asked again why wanted to talk to him. Perhaps, it was the edgy atmosphere that made him a bit edgy too. Hya pointed to me, saying that I needed to tell him something. My sempai turned to look at me. I couldn’t look at anywhere else except at the blank wall in front of me. And then I spoke. I don't know where the amazing courage and trembling voice came from, but I spoke. I spoke words that I have been rehearsing for gadzillions of times in my mind since the night before.
I spoke.
I told my sempai that I LIKE HIM SO MUCH. I told him that I've liked him since my first year, since the very first day in medical school. I told him that I've actually already started to forget about him after not seeing him for quite some time, but then he suddenly, out of the blue, showed up again in my life. And he showed up at the time when I was mentally and emotionally drained out in MRH, when I needed inspiration the most, and I believed that he was an unexpected blessing from God. I told him that the mere sight of him could already make so much of a difference in my day. I told him I was thankful.
I told him of my intentions. I told him that I don't expect anything from him, and neither should he expect anything from me. But that I just needed to tell him this because I wanted to express to him the gratefulness I harbor within me. I needed to tell him this right now because it was my last 24-h duty with him in MRH (at least, for IM anyway) and that if I don't do so, I feel I will never have the chance again and I would regret it for the rest of my life.
The whole speech probably lasted for less than two minutes, but I don't know, it felt like such a long long time. I was shaking all over and I could hear the loud beating of my heart. I thought that I should stop drinking coffee already. I was still staring at the blank wall, and even though I could not look directly at my sempai, I wasn't really feeling THAT embarrassed over what I did. I figured there is nothing to be ashamed of because my intentions were pure and that I was merely being honest to myself and to him. In my mind, I was trying to rationalize my actions to cover up for such an awkward situation.
Then I noticed my sempai pause for a while, before he started speaking. Because I was so tense, I could only understand and remember about 25% of what he said. He mentioned something about being thankful also, and that it was OK to appreciate people. I think he said something like it's good to be inspired by someone. And he said he's gonna tell my mom (nyahahahaha, he's just so cute! n__n). He actually said a lot of very nice and polite things, too bad I couldn't remember anything at all. Hya doesn't remember either. LOL I thought he was TOO casual though. Here I was blatantly expressing my innermost feelings and he seemed to take it lightly and was still able to joke about it. But then I guess he was really caught off guard, nyahahahahahaha And placed in such an awkward situation! ^o^ He was practically rambling repeatedly for about 5 minutes... *giggles* He's so ADORABLE!!! ^________^ Anyway, he then gave me a sort of high five, and we shook hands. All the hairs in my arms were standing at the touch of his hands. I couldn't even grip his hand. Suddenly I was feeling weak all over. Now I just realized that it was quite a weird scene, my sempai and I shaking hands in such a complicated situation.
Hya and I then hurriedly left the room because I was already starting to feel TOO embarrassed (see how late I tend to react, hehehe). In the senior clerks' quarters, Hya was almost suppressing the urge to scream in disbelief and bewilderment, and I thought she was going to put me high upon a pedestal for what I actually did. I realized that I just did something not everyone can do. I guess that warrants some amount of merit, ne? LOLz LONG LIVE GIRL POWER! nyahahahahahaha
Seriously, what happened afterwards? I saw my sempai twice again that day. First, when we went out of the ER and walked past him near the chapel (that was after around 5 minutes after my "confession") and I thought we were both equally embarrassed. Later on I saw him again in station 2, but I don't think he saw me. And then I never did see him again. Not even in my last day (October 31) in MRH. I even tayed until 6pm that day finishing my charts even though I could already go home by 12nn. My sempai was stuck in the OR the whole day. I heard he got out around 10pm already. I never did get to see him again. I also don't know if I'm prepared to see him right now. But I want to see him.
Anyway, I told four of my very close friends about what I did, and all of them have the same reaction: Are we already a couple? Nyahahahahaha OF COURSE... NOT! ^o^ LOL I didn't imagine or expect any change in my (ahem!) boring life after what I did. I am still a certified and proud member of the NBSBs (No Boyfriend Since Birth). And I'm happy with who I am. I'm also happy with the fact that I like my sempai, and now he knows about it. I'm already contented with that.
So as much as I want to put a happy ending to the story, I am sorry to disappoint my readers that we actually didn't "live happily ever after". LOLz I'm going back to NMMC now. There is no more sempai to inspire me in NMMC, just loads of work and innumerable patients to attend to. I will surely miss him. I miss him already since I haven't seen him today, when it's supposedly my last day in MRH. But then I guess, that's the way life goes.
