"Maybe I was trying to avoid bad feelings when I withdraw, rather than being hurt by them. Pathetic, aren't I?"
-Kusanagi Kei, Onegai Teacher
Teitai. It was actually the term used in Onegai Teacher when Kei would fall unconscious to avoid confronting pain. They also described it as "stopping" or "withdrawing", and so in other words, escaping reality. Personally, i would define is as "pretense" or "denial", cos I'm learning that those are the methods I use to avoid pain.
Yes. In many ways, I guess I'm a great pretender. When things go wrong, i pretend I don't care. Like when I feel all alone, I pretend that it's OK to be lonely, that it's natural for people to feel that way. And in many ways, I also "sourgrape". Like when other people get good stuffs, and I don't get them, I'd say that I don't need those stuffs (or those other people don't deserve them). I can't play volleyball, and I'm not very good with girl-y stuffs, so I'd act like I don't care and I don't want to learn. It's actually a pretty suck-y way to confront life and its difficulties.
Anyway, I really don't like to be this way. I want to move on already. My goodness, I do not want to be like the traffic enforcer who stayed on where she was, all content, but still dreaming of the world beyond the horizon. I'm learning that I've actually been in teitai for several years now. I've been telling myself to move on, but I'm not!! I'm just good at telling other people to move on, but I just look at them deal with their lives, while I'm all stuck here. And what attitude do I give? The "It's-OK..-I-really-don't-care" suck-y attitude. But the fact is, I do!! I really do want to move on. I've lost much of my self-esteem already. When I was in high school, I was pretty aloof, but I was neither lonely nor shy! Now I'm afraid to try out new things in life. I even try to avoid calling people that I don't know on the phone (like phone companies, etc) because... I don't know!!! x___X
I'll have this attitude problem fixed before June. I have to be more positive.
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