Nothing in my life is going right. I don't know what to do anymore.
In school, I'm having a hard time coping with the lessons. Plus, there's that complication concerning our Pharma paper, plus the new "big problem" we have with one of our subjects. Not to mention that I probably flunked my Patho exam today, because I can't concentrate anymore in my studying. At home, everything's all tense and I'm playing several "roles" once again. I feel so helpless and I just want some peace and rationality. I actually don't want to go home. *sad* Not only that, but I'm having personal struggles and conflicts as well. Perhaps I'm neurotic. This week has indeed been very very bad. No wonder my head aches everyday, and I often feel a constricting pain within me. I look at myself in the mirror and I see very sad eyes. I've always had cheerful eyes. But now they look extremely sad, and every few hours, they well up with tears.
I think I have been stretched to my limits already. I have no doubt that this is a test that I must overcome, and that I have to choose to be strong and rational at this horrible time. But for now, I just want to wallow in self-pity and despair. I've actually considered running away. But those who have no money and nowhere to go to don't have the right to think about those things. -__- Besides, I don't want to sacrifice my studies and my reputation. I don't have suicidal tendencies, thank goodness for that. I don't think I can accomplish anything at all if I choose to end my life. That's a very cowardly way of dealing with life's difficulties. And besides, I am more afraid of God's wrath. >.< But I do wonder, if I am gone, will that make everyone realize my worth? Do I have to go that far?
Kenshin once said, "You can end your life anytime, but it takes true courage to live." *sigh* So I guess I just have to deal with this. How!? I have no idea at all. I hate this helplessness that I feel. And all these mixed emotions inside of me. Will I ever overcome? My life seems so bleak and dry. I have actually started to withdraw from the "world". I have emptied my phone of all messages and I ignore its existence. I'm also trying not to speak anymore at home, lest I say anything wrong again. Maybe one day, if things still won't go right, I just might decide to stop blogging too. I wonder why I am writing all these. Anyway, it is only in school that I try to laugh and act as if everything is all normal. I feel like such a fake in school. I wonder if there might be a time when I have to give up my studies. That would probably be a big blow for me.
What actually lightens my life now is my dose of anime. AXN is now showing new Ranma episodes, and so I channel my attention to it. That's what makes me go home even if I don't want to go home. Come to think of it, I started getting into anime during a very depressing time in my life as well, and it has changed my life in a lot of ways. But then perhaps, it's just a way of escaping from the pains of reality.
But of course, what's keeping me sane and still hopeful is my faith. I trust that all these is for a good reason. As Job said, "Should we only accept good from God, and not trouble?" These circumstances in my life are reasons enough for me to all the more strengthen my faith and believe in God's plans for me, even though I don't understand them at all. But still, I feel all depressed and drained and all that. I wonder how things will work out, or if things will work out at all. -__- Maybe one day I will just look at this entry and laugh at my incoherence. Maybe.
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