I just came from my classmate's pad. I was amazed that she lives alone and so "luxuriously" (well, from my perspective, anyway!). She has her own aircon, ref, TV, PC, kitchen, etc etc. And there are all sorts of encouraging posters on her wall. I was awestruck.
I've never considered living away from my family. Well, maybe only once, when I was a senior in high school preparing for college. But that sense of responsibility and concern for my family prevailed, and so it never crossed my mind again. Besides, I have a hard time waking up on my own every morning, so I need to live with someone else. -__-;; But now, after seeing my classmate's pad and still feeling all of these horrible things, I think I'd like nothing more NOW than to live on my own. To go away and be independent with not a care for the world. To break free.
I actually want to rant today. I left the house with every intention of going online to rant about the way I feel. But now that I'm here, I am out of words. Ranting to myself for the whole morning must've drained all words from me, and so I don't know what to say anymore. Besides, I can't think straight with all these people in the cafe.
I am badly scarred. I think that even if all the conflicts in my life are resolved, I shall remain wounded and scarred. Even if people will start telling me comforting things or try to help me heal, I think I will not believe them anymore. I will never be the same again, because I have seen things that I will never forget, I have heard things that I will always remember, and I have felt pain that I will forever bear. Yes, I think I don't want to believe in anyone else again. Why should I when all they do is to disappoint me again and again with empty words and broken promises!? When they really don't seem to care at all about the way I think and feel and how I'm doing!? When in the most difficult moments in my life, they all leave me alone to bear all the pain!? CHIKUSHO.
Oh yeah, now that I'm starting to recall what is it that I've been raging at since the start of the week, why is it that everyone else keeps looking for me for answers and pushing to me some of the responsibilities that are not even mine!? I am already very much annoyed at their incompetence and irresponsibility. I am always willing to help out but at least they should remember that they have roles to do as well. Chikusho. It's always, "Misaki, where is ---?" or "Misaki, can you ---?" or "Misaki, please do this" and "Misaki, please do that". Even at home. I am not actually complaining. I just... I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
One of the many things I hate about myself is that I ALWAYS blame myself for everything. My rational side will always tell my irrational side that what I'm doing is wrong and what I'm saying is unfair. Like right now. Chikusho. I am always so hard on myself. I can't even get angry at others. I can't even say bad things about them. I can't even blame them. Because afterwards I'd feel so guilty, I blame myself even more. That's why I will never hate anyone else. But I will perhaps never learn to un-hate myself.
I don't know what I'm writing anymore. I also don't care. I don't know what I'm going to do now. Maybe I'll just go study and cool my head. Maybe watch a movie. Oh yah. I don't have any money. 'Kuso. "Kung wala ta'y kwarta, dili ta kalihok" (if we don't have money then we cannot move). Hah. That's actually the quote of the week. Anyway, I don't wanna go home yet so I don't know where I'm going now. I don't know at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment