[DEPRESSION MODE ON TO THE MOST MAXIMUM LEVEL]
I’m feeling really really low since the new year started. It’s because I’m now rotating in the Pediatrics Department in NMMC, and I just wanna die. I’m feeling extremely frustrated and depressed right now because we have to do all the blood extractions and IV insertions, and yet, I’m still not good at it. In fact, I’m terrible at it and now all the watchers in the Miscellaneous Ward hate me, because I’ve been pricking their babies but really not obtaining adequate blood samples. I’m a failure. I’m no good. I just wanna shrink and let the earth swallow me up. I don’t know how I will face my residents. I’ve been crying and wallowing in self-pity for the past two days. I know I will be better soon, I have to be. But right now, I just wanna drown in my anger and worries. I feel like I’m such a loser. I can’t smile anymore. My whole body feels numb. It’s as if my genki level dropped way way way down the scale, which is very unusual, since I’m a very cheerful person. But now I can’t even bring myself to feel happy. I’m just so full of negative energy. I hate myself, my ward, my patients, my situation, my work – EVERYTHING.
I’m not happy at all.
What’s lifting my spirits up is a simple text message in my phone that says:
Whenever I re-read that message, I sense a slight glimmer of hope. I see a little ray of light. I feel a touch of joy. But the strength that message gives me is not enough to make me last the whole month in this dreadful rotation. I am doomed to be depressed the whole month of January.
Wake me up when
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