Didn't update my blog for quite some time (again!). There's nothing really much to say, since I haven't done much actually for the past few weeks. I've only been feeling quite confused and agitated and disturbed over my life and the direction (or rather, the absence of direction) where it's headed. I'm really just not into sharing these "loser"-type of emotions and thoughts here. But right now, I'm all fired up and pissed off, and would like to unload some of my frustrations by writing.
Last week I had my father do a complete laboratory work-up, which actually costs quite a lot. But I didn't mind paying for it since his health is more important. We all knew (even without the blood chemistry results) that he has uncontrolled diabetes mellitus type II, and that he needs to change his medications and lifestyle. I then took him to a well-known endocrinologist here (and who happens to be my teacher before). The doctor shook her head several times during the history taking and PE, while repeatedly saying, "Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Very bad, Very bad..." at my father's condition. I looked at my father and felt pity for him. He was very tensed while answering with a soft, shaky voice, looking like a little boy being scolded by his teacher. The doctor requested additional lab exams for baseline purposes, and prescribed some meds for my father. These also cost quite a lot, so I had to withdraw what little savings I have in the bank to pay for them, but I figured that it was money well spent. My father's health is far more important than all the money in the world.
So the next day after the consultation, my father took his new meds (4 types all in all), and maybe because they were quite new to his system, so he complained of easy fatiguability, lightheadedness and flushing of the face. I took his blood pressure and it was higher than usual (he's hypertensive too), so I advised him to rest. His condition isn't actually THAT alarming though. I mean, I've seen and treated far worse cases in the hospital. But there's just something unnerving when you actually see it happen to your own family. Then after that incident, my father refuses to take his meds. I told him we'll just adjust the schedule, but he turned a deaf ear on me. I can understand that he probably felt fearful about his meds after he experienced those effects, but what I can't understand is why he doesn't talk to me about it. The problem with my father is that he is oftentimes very stubborn and can be quite irrational, and for some reason, refuses to open up to me or ask me questions regarding his health. And even when I want to explain to him, I seem to get the impression that he's not interested or he's pretending not to be interested. I feel very useless right now. It seems pointless that a physician like me can make other patients understand their health problems, yet my own father doesn't even trust me enough to actually talk to me about it. It's been 4 days now that he stopped taking his new meds. I've also stopped trying to convince him to take them, because I'm tired of getting a silent treatment in return.
So anyway, I initially planned to go back to the endocrinologist today after work so that I could talk to her about adjusting my father's medications. But I had to postpone that hospital trip to Wednesday, because of an unexpected incident last night. While attempting to withdraw PhP7000 to pay for the bills at home and for my dental problems, the ATM machine seemed to have run out of money. And it has already ejected my card and said transaction completed. True enough, when I rechecked my balance, it has deducted the amount without dispensing the cash. I immediately reported it to the security guard on duty, a somewhat hostile person who looked at me skeptically as if I was some swindler, and then he told me vaguely to just come back in the morning to report it to the teller.
So this afternoon, instead of going to the hospital after work, I went to the bank to report the incident. The personnel then gave me a 24/7 toll-free number to call. I thanked her but felt a bit annoyed, because I knew of this toll-free number. In fact, I've experienced the same situation before when I was still in Manila, and had filed a similar complaint. But what irked me was that they should have just instructed their security guards to give that number for these kinds of situations, so that I didn't have to waste so much time going back to the bank and disrupting my initial plans. Then I would've already filed my complaint last night immediately after the incident, and they would've started the processing this morning. (Processing takes about 5 banking days, more or less). But since I filed my complaint just this afternoon, so that means one banking day has been wasted.
Oh yah... the call center agent who took my call was quite nice and helpful. Even though I was already fretting over the situation, I remembered to be polite to the agent because she has the same job as my boyfriend. XD
After leaving the bank, I then went to the pawnshop. Some time ago, we pawned one of my mother's rings. It wasn't really anything valuable though and was only appraised for PhP1000. I don't remember why we pawned it, but probably to pay for some school stuffs. I went to redeem it yesterday, but since it was a Sunday, the pawnshop employee told me that their vaults are sealed and advised me to come back on Monday (today). I asked her if I would be charged an extra fee since yesterday was the due date for renewal, but she told me that I do not need to pay for it. So I went back there today, was then told by another employee that I couldn't redeem it, since the original person who pawned it was my sister and so they need her signature. I reasoned with her, saying that my sister isn't here (I told her my sister's out of the country, but she's actually just in Cebu XD). I was also quite vexed since the redemption/renewal receipt had both my name and my sister's name on it, and so it's actually their fault for putting my name on it when in fact I have no authority over the item. The employee said that it's their SOP, and I knew that they're just doing that for security purposes so I eventually yielded and told them that I'll redeem it some other time but will just pay for the renewal fee for now.
It was then that I snapped. The employee told me that since I was already "late", then they will have to charge me with a 1% interest fee. I felt my blood boil and with a raised voice I told her that I went there yesterday and the female employee told me that I need not pay the extra late charge. It so happened that said employee was also sitting there, and she had the nerve to tell me that she only said that because I told her I was going to redeem the item. I retorted by saying that I did have the intention of redeeming the item yesterday but she told me that I couldn't because the vaults are locked. And now I come back to redeem it on the day she told me to return yet they still deny me because it has my sister's name on it. So now they are blaming me for being late in paying the renewal fee when I distinctly asked her yesterday about it and she clearly told me I need not pay for it yet. I told them outright that I refused to pay for it since it wasn't my fault. I'm sorry but I really raised my voice at them and created quite a scandalous scene. The employee then told me that they won't charge me for it anymore. I later learned that the extra fee was only a measly PhP 10... but what I was fighting for was justice and not for the money.
While waiting, I felt quite bad because I think it was unnecessary for me to act that way and to raise my voice. I thought I was really mean that time, and maybe I should apologize. But pride won over and I didn't apologize at all. And actually all that time when I was yelling at the employee, I was very conscious that my voice was shaking and that my speech was jumbled. I therefore conclude that being mean doesn't suit me. I'm only very rarely this way because I'm actually very patient and understanding most of the time. But I guess I was already all pissed off over everything that has happened. To add to my misery, I have been having a toothache since last Thursday, and when I went to the dentist he told me he can't extract it yet because of the pain. And he told me that I have to get ten of my teeth fixed too. So I'm currently on antibiotics, but it's still excruciatingly painful until now. So I guess one thing piled on another, until I finally snapped and the pawnshop girls felt my wrath. It's still not a reason to be mean though. Sorry... u___u
Everything I wrote here though is just the icing on the cake. The real issue I'm struggling right now and that has been slowly killing me inside is that I have lost my sense of purpose and that I do not know what to do with my life anymore. With the deadline for submission of residency application coming up, I am suddenly at a loss of what to do. I originally wanted to be a surgeon, I was so sure back then... But right now, I do not know anymore. In fact, I do not know if I want to be a doctor at all. I am disappointed at the attitude of many people, at the health care system in this country, and perhaps this country in general. I want to hope and believe again, but somehow I'm all out of faith. I have been praying for God's enlightenment, but all I've been going through is confusion and envy and a lot of negative and shameful emotions I don't even want people to know that I am capable of feeling. I do not really want to talk about this here. Suffice it to say that I feel like such a loser right now, penniless as well (seriously), and hopeless too. I wish I can tell you that I feel good about myself, but the truth is I'm not a very likable person right now. You don't want to see or know what's on my mind. You don't want to feel or experience what's in my heart. And I don't want to hear sympathy from people, because no one can possibly understand the struggles I am trying to overcome at this moment.
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