MICROPHONE HERMIT

変わりたくて　変われなかった
kawaritakute   kawarenakatta...
このハートにサヨナラ
kono HATO ni SAYONARA

I just came back from going out with friends from work. We had a Family Day/Post-Halloween party at the hospital, after which most of the people decided to have some after-party fun. I wanted to be sociable, so I decided to tag along. We went to this new videoke place called Microphone Hero. It was a bit pricey, and the only room available was the biggest (and most expensive) one. But there were more than 15 of us, so I guess it was just the appropriate size.

Image from Microphone Hero FB Page

I thought the place was nice. There was a small stage for the singers, with two huge TVs where you can read the lyrics and see yourself reflected on the screen as well. On another side is another TV where you can play some dance games with the XBOX 360 Kinect. There are comfy couches on the sides. And the room has its own toilet too.

I rarely go out so I wanted it to be a fun night for me. I saw some of the people start dancing to the Kinect, and some of them started choosing and singing their songs. I wanted to sing but somehow, I couldn't choose a song. I haven't listened much to "normal" music since 10(?) years ago, so I'm not that confident in picking a song (I know, JUST PICK ONE, it really doesn't matter!). I was also kinda waiting for me to have my turn, but once again, I'm completely baffled on the "sharing" system when it comes to videoke sessions. I always notice that not everyone gets an opportunity to sing because a number of people tend to reserve several songs in succession and HOG the microphone. But maybe that's the way it is. If you're not aggressive enough, you just won't get your chance.

So I tried joining the people who were dancing because I thought it was exciting how the sensor on the console actually detects your movement. But the thing is: I CAN'T DANCE. I've always had poor motor coordination, and the movements on the screen doesn't make much sense to me so I couldn't exactly follow them. Plus, I don't think the console senses my presence. So eventually I gave up trying to mingle with that crowd too.

And so sitting on the couch, amidst so many people, I suddenly felt sad and lonely (plus I still haven't recovered from my exhausting duty yesterday). I wanted to kick myself for being such an unsociable person, for being so different. And when my eyes started to sting and I felt the threat of tears forming, I decided it was time for me to go. I actually don't have a curfew, and my mother always encourages me to go out with friends. But I thought I couldn't stay much longer as I was starting to feel suffocated. Besides, the crowd was getting rowdier and they was making me even more anxious.

So I went home. Gave some lousy excuse, left some money, said goodbye, grabbed a taxi. While sitting there in the backseat, I touched my eyes and they were wet with tears.

I am an oddball. 

I am such a weird, unsociable hermit. And lately, my ability to interact normally with people seems even more affected. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't even know where to focus my life. There's just too many wrong aspects in me right now.

Wanting to change, Unable to change...
Goodbye to this heart."
~ Sirius e no Chikai ~

CHANGES

"Che-che-che-changes saa, kawatteku / Sayonara, furui jibun..."

I'm back! And yes, still very much alive, thankyouverymuch.

After thinking things over, I guess I'll keep this blog for now. I'm just too overly sentimental to let it go, after having it as part of my life for like 10 years now. Though I think a few changes is deemed necessary. First of all, I really need to replace the blog banner since it's been up there since, like, 2011? I would like to change the lay-out too. But even with the more user-friendly lay-out system of blogger, I know I will just mess up, so I won't bother. Besides, I think I like to keep my blog as black and white forever. It seems easier to read and I don't have to think about matching colors. 

So I've scheduled this comeback blog post for November 1, 2013 because I think I'll choose to be "reborn" today (Oh Yah! On All Saint's Day!). I probably need to make a lengthy explanation, but I won't, because one thing I'm changing is that I will no longer (or at least I will TRY not to) write very long, emo, detailed entries in my blog. I just don't think it's healthy for me, or for any one out there who cares enough to read. Besides, if I make shorter, more spontaneous writings, then perhaps, I can blog more often. PERHAPS. (I promise I'll TRY not to be lazy again!)

Another thing I'm definitely changing is my physical self. I know I've said this too many times before and it just doesn't sound sincere anymore, but I seriously want to LOSE WEIGHT. Like, SRSLY. It's more of a need, really, as I'm starting to feel that I'm not getting any younger. My knees are now complaining because I simply am too heavy for my own good, and having Plantar Fasciitis makes walking so painful. Plus I feel like I'm being suffocated by my own skin. I don't know where this feeling came from, but suddenly, I don't want that extra slice of cake anymore. Suddenly, I don't want to be fat anymore. Suddenly, I don't want to be me anymore. But I don't want this to just be empty wishful thinking. I want to make this a reality, to prove to myself that I can. Yesterday I actually went to a wellness center and then to a nearby gym to inquire about their programs. But the center was closed for the holidays and the gym near our place has been closed since, like, 2012 (WTF I didn't know) so I will have to go back on another day to find me another gym where I shall defeat the Gym Leader and then collect his badge.

This year has been filled with so many changes I just can't seem to cope with them yet. From my father's illness, to the end of a relationship, to the start of new experiences, I feel like my life has been turned upside down (and it's still spinning nonstop). I think I've been depressed too many times over the past few months, it's no longer healthy. If not for my work, which exhausts the life of me, I think I'm slowly turning myself into a shut-in. But as much as the hikikomori life entices me, I won't give in to it. I want to be a better me. I still want to do so many things but I always don't seem to have the time, or I'm always too tired, or I feel like I'm just not good enough. I seem to be juggling so many things in my life all the time, but I'm not effectively accomplishing anything. I don't know if I'm not trying hard enough or I'm really just wasting time and I just need to give up everything and just focus on one thing. I don't know. I seem so tired all the time. And it's not even a physical kind of exhaustion. I am just ... really tired. But I will change. My life don't make much sense now, but I know someday I will become a better person and understand the reason for all of these. Even my younger self believed in that, on the very first day when this blog was conceived.

I know I've also said this so many times as well, but I would really like to prioritize my Walk with God above all else. I know in my mind what I must do. I know, yet I do not do. I tend to let so many things distract me. But I need to grow spiritually. Day by day, I need to pursue intimacy with my God. I want to have an abundant and victorious life, as how a child of God should live. And I know it starts with making changes in my life. 

So much for not writing long emo posts. Sorry for rambling. I'll just end this post with Base Ball Bear's PV called Changes...

"Changes, come now, I am changing / Goodbye to my old self..."

OUT OF SHAPE

Yesterday, my mom gave our dog Dot-Dot (aka Didat) a nice bath. She smelled so clean and fresh so we let her inside the house. She was hyperactive as usual, and acted all endearing so that we couldn't help but be compelled to rub her belly (manipulative little squirt! ∪･ω･∪). We just practically played with her the whole night, and fed her bread and spicy nori snacks which she totally enjoyed. When we were about to sleep, we didn't want to take her outside to her space. So my mom placed her in a box, and we leashed her in my bedroom. Didat was so well-behaved the entire night and didn't poop or pee in her box at all. What a nice doggie! “ヽ(´▽｀)ノ”

My mom and I have long been planning to go walking/jogging, but all we do is plan and not wake up early.(∪｡∪)｡｡｡zzz But today, we finally pushed through with it, and guess what?! We took Didat with us!!! The squirt was ecstatic to get out of the house and walk around the rotunda with us. However after 15-20minutes, I could see that her tongue was already out, and she was drooling!!! But she still persisted on with a most energetic spirit. After more than 30minutes, we decided to cut short our exercise cos Didat was starting to tire, so we headed back. Less than three blocks away from our apartment, the little squirt suddenly plopped on the ground exhausted, and my mom had no choice but to carry her. Didat was totally happy to get home and she immediately lapped some water before planking flat on the floor.

Since it's rare for me to be up so early, I figured I'd make good use of my time. So I did the laundry, finished a book, watched the last two episodes of Natsuyuki Rendezvous, and made a quick sketch. Then in the afternoon, I went to the dentist (but he didn't extract my tooth yet, boo!), then to the mall, then to my GLC class in church. I didn't really plan on going online tonight but I needed to see some manga pages by Suoh and Kurohiko. Figured I'd end this fruitful day with a blog entry to make it even more productive. 

I'm learning from GLC that I need to be wise in using my time, especially to develop myself spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally and relationally to be more Christ-like. I need this kind of lifestyle change. To set my priorities straight, wake up early, take care of my health, accomplish many things, be more disciplined. I really like this feeling. So starting this week, I've stopped playing Facebook games so that I can do more important stuffs. I'm trying to be more conscious of what I'm doing, reading, eating and how I spend my time, and I know it's going to be difficult to change cos I have this tendency to get awfully distracted and spend hours in front of the PC doing just about anything but accomplishing nothing. I have to change that. Like my dog, I'm so out of shape in many aspects of my life, but I'm confident that with the right attitude, mentality and motivation, I can get right back on track. ♪(┌・。・)┌ 

"No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way". (Hebrews 12:11 NLT)

BEJEWELED PHILOSOPHY

Recently, I have been wasting most of my time by playing this Facebook app called Bejeweled Blitz. Now I know I swore off playing Facebook games some time ago, and I do feel bad about turning back on my word. It's no excuse, really, but I guess lately I have been quite stressed by several things in my life. I just want to do something mindless and I thought that since this is just a one-minute game, it's not gonna take up too much of my time.

Boy, was I so wrong! Each round is indeed a minute long but it's so addicting, and I'd feel very competitive, so I ended up playing for more than 12 hours straight during my second try! (ﾉ￣д￣)ﾉ And I've been playing for more than a week now. I play until 3 or 4 in the morning until my eyes are all blurry, my right hand all numb, and my wrist so sore I can hardly move it. ヘ(>_<ヘ)

Well, I've always been a fan of the Bejeweled franchise, and Bejeweled Blitz is basically similar to them except that there's a time limit of one minute. And in that single minute, you need to score as much as you can by matching at least three gems and multipliers of the same color. When you make successive and fast matches, you can get speed bonuses and even reach a mode called Blazing Speed (which is my favorite! ^u^) which will give you more points. There are also a number of power-ups to choose from that will also help you score better, but these will cost you coins, and that's something I often do not have. So what I do is I keep playing and playing and when I save up enough coins, I splurge on booze boosts to try to beat my own score. Most of the time I fail so it's back to square one again. And it doesn't help that my friends' scores are posted on the right side. Some of them can actually score millions! ━Σ(ﾟДﾟ|||)━

So tonight I was playing as usual, then I suddenly had an insight on how the game is similar to my life. Several times when I swap gems, I'd realize a split-second too late that I could have made a flame gem or a hypercube instead. Or sometimes when I choose to match one set instead of another, I'd end up with a whole board of gems that can no longer be connected. And during such moments, I'd instantly regret the previous move that I just did, since I'd end up with results that I don't like.

Similarly in my life, I think I've also made my share of crazy and impulsive decisions. And looking back, some of them could have been wrong choices. Though it has always been my principle never to sulk or cry over spilled milk but to always learn from my mistakes, but I am learning that my actions have consequences. And these effects may not always be immediate. Especially for someone as dense as me, I may only realize the impact of the outcome when it's already far too late. And like Bejeweled Blitz, I'd end up with a whole board of useless gems.

Take for instance my career and where it is headed for nowhere right now. Thinking back, I should have gone into residency training immediately after passing the board exams. Or I could have taken up that slot when I was accepted in this prestigious hospital. I would have been finished by now. But during those times, I chose to match 3 gems instead of making star gems. I ignored the multipliers and focused on other colors. And now that the time has finally started ticking, I realize that I do not know how to move anymore. Like right now, most of my classmates have already chosen their paths in life. Those who are several batches younger than me have submitted their application forms and already got their schedules for pre-residency. I'm still... playing Bejeweled Blitz. (╯︵╰,)

This is not just about my work but basically about every aspect of my life. It's like I'm exhausted for no particular reason. I've lost my sense of direction. I have no motivation. I have no vision. The future eludes me (or is it the other way around?). I'm not saying that I regret whatever I did in the past. On the contrary, I know I had my reasons, and perhaps, I found them to be valid and wise back then. Right now, I do not wish to dwell on such things anymore for they can no longer be changed. I can no longer turn back the time and cannot undo what has been done. I must accept the pitiful score I have. I must put up with the fact that I have no more coins and power-ups to save me. I must acknowledge that others have already surpassed me in so many ways.

But just like the game, I know it doesn't end there because I can always restart and play again. I may not have much right now but I can try and try again until I have more. I can practice until I improve. I can defeat my old self and catch up to the others. I can make better choices. I must make wiser decisions. I can move on. I must move forward.


And, ironically, it all starts by ending my long nights of playing Bejeweled Blitz. (─‿‿─)

NEED A LIFT?

So after more than 17 days, we finally return home from the hospital. I am too tired and too depressed right now to write about it, so I'll leave that for some other day. When we arrived around 4pm, the house felt stuffy, and dusty and neglected. I went to my room and the first thing I did was to lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling for quite a long time. Then I stood up, got my wallet and bag, and left the house.

With all the thoughts occupying my mind and the mix of negative emotions I was experiencing, I just didn't want to be where I was. I needed to get out.

So I went to National Bookstore in Cogon hoping to find some solace among books on sale. When that failed to give me a peace of mind, I took a taxi to SM. Never mind that it's quite far and that there's really nothing I need from there. I just wanted to go far away.

It turned out that SM was having a sale, and with all the people rushing about, it didn't help my mood at all. Rummaged through stuffs in National Bookstore and Booksale, but didn't really find anything I want to buy. Since it was getting late, I thought of getting something to eat. But all the shops were packed with diners, and truthfully, I really didn't feel like eating. So, still in a trance, I found myself in Dunkin Donuts, and ended up buying half a dozen of donuts (still unopened even til now). And while I tastelessly munched on a Bunwich, I looked up and saw this poster, and I couldn't help but snicker as to how timely and appropriate the words were speaking to me. 

There are times in one's life when everything just seems to be going downhill. And I guess it's my turn to experience something like that right now.

Someday, I hope to look back on this and laugh about it and give myself an encouraging pat on the back and say, "Good job on overcoming all that!" But right now, let me just wallow in self-pity and drown in my tears. Let me just vent out my frustrations, complain and be selfish, and rant and rage in anger. I promise, come tomorrow, I will be OK. 

But for now, just let me be.

IT ALL STARTED WITH ONE BROKEN TOOTH.

I've always had teeth problems before, so I've been trying to keep them clean and healthy. But maybe it's genetics or something, but I feel like my efforts are wasted. Three or four months ago, one of my teeth broke. I think it's a premolar. Since it wasn't really aching, so I wasn't really alarmed. Smaller pieces kept breaking off, but I still didn't go to the dentist. Then one day, I noticed this:

There was a swelling in my gums!!!⊙▂⊙

I'm thinking that my gingiva must have developed an infection and grew an abscess because of my broken tooth. I immediately took some antibiotics and vowed to see the dentist ASAP. A week after, the swelling subsided, and I ... got busy. （。-＿-。）

More than a month after, the swelling recurred. I took antibiotics again, and the swelling subsided. Then there was one afternoon when I went to the dentist's clinic already, and waited for him for more than an hour. But when he arrived, I chickened out, feigned some excuse and left. ヽ(´□｀。)ﾉ

Two Fridays ago, I got stuck in traffic then drenched from the rain. And the day after, we had an event in the local mall, and I was already feeling feverish but then the show must go on. That day I also promised myself that I really need to go see the dentist for tooth extraction, so I started myself on prophylactic antibiotics just to be sure that there are no more bacteria hanging around my gums. The new medicine was stronger than the previous antibiotics I took, but pretty soon I was down with fever, chills, weakness and body pains. I had scheduled work for every day of last week so I was hoping that it was just the flu. Unfortunately, it was not.

I had fever and chills for five days. I developed a really bad case of tonsilitis where my tonsils look really nasty with all the erythema and whitish exudates. My gums also developed some pus, and I had several sores inside my mouth, my lips, my palate and even my tongue! It was really horrible! I couldn't eat at all! Since I still needed to work, I had to force myself up everyday, treating patients as if I myself was not one. I took Paracetamol religiously every three hours, cos if I had to wait for four hours, I would start having chills. I added another type of antibiotics to my self-imposed regimen. And I slept every time I had the chance. I must have slept more this entire week than I'd have normally slept in a month!

It was really a very unpleasant experience that I cannot even begin to put into words. Many times I really just thought that I needed to be confined to a hospital, but I didn't have the money and I needed to make money, so I had to push back tears and feelings of self-pity and go on with my pathetic life. Last Wednesday, I was lying in the bed with chills, and I was texting people if they could cover for me the next day. But all I got were replies of "Sorry!" and "Get well soon!". I didn't want well wishes, I needed someone to actually see me as a friend and actually help me when I was in that sick state. But apparently this world is cruel, and what's even more horrible is that there are some people, despite knowing that I was really sick, even had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to relieve them from their work! I swear, at that time, I was really telling myself that if I was not a Christian, I would probably believe that there is no God.

But thank God that He does exist, and that He is the Ultimate Healer, and that He is in control! That Wednesday evening, He allowed me to sleep for eight hours (no patients at all!), and then when I woke up, my fever was gone. I had no choice but worked again for another 24 hours in another hospital, and it was thankfully another benign duty, and by then I was already feeling much better. My only problem was that I still couldn't eat because of my mouth sores. Every time a food particle grazes my palate, or tongue, or the walls of my mouth, it was excruciatingly painful. I had to give away my meals to the nurses, and sadly just attempt to eat the desserts. I mulled on the many times in the past when I took my meals for granted. It made me see food and the act of eating in a very new light.

Friday came, and I was already on the road to recovery. I just needed to finish one last night of duty then I can finally have several days of rest from work. I was riding the jeepney then, when I noticed that my arms were a bit red. When I arrived home after 40 minutes, I was already covered from head to trunk to both arms with rashes.

I had measles.

And you think that by contracting a contagious viral disease I could finally be given a rest from work. But, NO. Once I confirmed by blood test that it was not Dengue Fever and I need not be admitted to a hospital, I had to put on a jacket and mask and report to work cos nobody else could cover for me. I didn't even have the time to take pity on myself cos that would make me late. And yes, even when some people knew that I developed rashes, they still asked me if I would like to relieve them from their duties.（；¬＿¬)

I've always been a workaholic and I never squirm from my responsibilities. I don't often get sick, and even if I do get the common cough or colds, I'd still work if I have made commitments. But last week was JUST HORRIBLE! I was very sick and I had all the physical findings to support it. I was really scared because, as a medical doctor, I knew the possible consequences of my self-medication and my refusal to be confined to a hospital. Yet I had to endure all of these because there are bills to be paid and food to be set on the table. But even when I finally reached my limit, everyone was too selfish and too concerned with his/her own world to actually care. I was broken physically, but what hurts me more is the brokenness I felt mentally, socially and emotionally.

The rashes are fading, the mouth sores are healing, the exudates are gone. But I do wonder if my faith in humanity can ever be restored. (~_~;)

THE MELANCHOLY OF ME

For some reason, I was feeling a bit gloomy today. So after finishing the anime Ano Natsu de Matteru  (which didn't improve my mood), I left the house for a while. Dressed simply in shirt, jeans and slippers, without even bothering to comb my hair, I went to the bank, then walked to the nearest National Bookstore. Being around books usually calms me, but still I wasn't too happy. After an hour of not buying anything, I left the bookstore, and bought some DVDs...

Sailormoon TV first and fifth seasons FTW!

I've watched Sailormoon during my younger years, but was never really into it, so I couldn't recall much of it. But this is an essential watch for all otakus IMO. I've always been planning to download this, but don't really have enough disk space. So I guess this is a lucky find, as these copies are relatively cheap and have lots of episodes per disc (46 for s1, 34 for s5). They have the Japanese audio and English subs too. Now if I only have the time and patience to watch them...

Buying the DVDs didn't get me out of my melancholy though, and since it was starting to drizzle (and the skies weep with me, d-oh!!!), I decided to buy some hot bread and chocolate cake for my parents before heading home. Wasn't really hungry though so the cake still hasn't been sliced even until now.


I wonder what's wrong with me. I was already feeling this way last night, and I think it's probably because I haven't been accomplishing much. I don't have a regular job yet and I don't seem to be doing anything about it; I can't seem to move on in any of the games I'm playing; I'm still (and forever will be) at page 108 of the book I'm reading; I don't know how to finish the artwork I'm currently doing (and really wonder what's the point in all these drawing when I don't really seem to be improving); I'm still not done with the invitations I promised to make for my friend; And I even got mad at my boyfriend last night (but we already made up). 


I guess these are just one of my low days. Hope I'll snap out of it soon.

~* JaNuArY - FeBrUaRy ReCaP *~

Time flies so quickly, and we're now two months into 2012. What have I accomplished so far!? Let's do a review...

• In real life matters... I've done nothing much. Last January, I resigned from my job of more than 3 years, and ever since has just been going to random hospitals/clinics for duties. The first two months were quite OK as I had my hands quite full. But for March I hardly have any scheduled work. No work means no income, so I still don't know how to pay the bills for this month. And I also need to save up for something BIG come November. But I try not to really think about all these for now, and just go with the flow. I know I really should start moving forward and hand in applications for residency training, but I still don't have the heart and mindset to do it. So technically, I'm pretty much a lazy bum for now, which is bad. (・_・;)

• In other aspects of my real life... I also think I've done nothing much (I know! I'm such a loser! TAT). Room's still gathering dust, my stuffs are still all over the place, toys and books have yet to be organized... I know I need to clean up!!! Besides that, I also need to clean up myself -- in a lot of aspects. Like physically, I really need to exercise routinely and SRSLY skip those occasional after-work donuts. TAT  Then mentally, I really need to make time to review my medical books (BOO. TAT) Not only that, I also need to check out tutorials on drawing (as suggested by my boyfriend) and study Japanese (cos I'm also preparing for another BIG thing come December). And most most most importantly, I really need to address my spiritual life, which I must admit, is so dried up right now. I need to fight my inner battles and conquer my fears and bad habits. I badly need a big BONK in the head and get back to putting God first in my life, pursuing His ultimate will for me, and doing regular quiet time. And this should really be my priority above all else!!! (ーー゛)

• In matters pertaining to the heart (≧∇≦)... Suoh and I have started some couple activities last year but we were not able to stick to them because of laziness and procrastination. TAT So for this year, we really have set our minds to rid ourselves of our bad habits and do the things we set out to do. Our first couple activity is to have a theme art for the month, and for January we did "Dragon" and for February we did that "col-LOVE-boration" project, and we met the deadlines for both. For March, we are doing "Moe Mahou Shoujo" and the target date for submission is March 10. We also have an upcoming couple art project which we will start planning this month. Our second couple activity is to watch a particular anime for the month. We chose Hanasaku Iroha for January, and although I wasn't able to watch it then, but I got to finish it recently. For February, we initially picked Blood+, but both of us were unable to watch even a single episode of it. （￣□￣；）So two days before the end of the month, we changed our anime for the month to the original net animation Afterschool Pleiades, and we finished it at the nick of time. To make up for our blooper, we're watching Kaichou wa Maid-sama, High School of the Dead and UN-GO for March (yah I know, it's kinda too much, but we're determined!). And... Suoh will be coming to visit me this month!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

• So talking about drawings... Now while I'm not particularly good at it, I do think that I might have a talent for it if I could just hone my skills with practice and push myself to do more. Since I have a lot of free time (and am pretty much inspired) the past 2 months, I have produced FIVE new pieces of artworks (well, SIX, if you include the bad inking I did last night). That's quite an achievement, I guess. Some of them I've already uploaded in my deviantart account, but I still have yet to scan the others. Although it is purely a hobby and I have no intention to draw for a living, but what I really want to achieve is to find my own style. I can only do that through study and frequent practice.

• Now that I've mentioned inspiration... one of the reasons I'm so worked up is because of the two PSP games that I'm currently playing: Uta no Prince-sama Music and Hatsukoi: Demon Barber From Fleet Street Hakuoki: Demon of the Fleeting Blossom. I'm no good in gaming, but I just might get to finish these two games very soon *hopeful*. More about these when I finally feel like writing about them. （*´▽｀*）

• In matters pertaining to my incomparable hoarding abilities... I have decided that for this month of March, I WILL NOT BE DOWNLOADING ANYTHING NEW.  I still have some files queued on utorrent, but I will have to stop myself from adding more. I will also be refraining from direct downloads of whatever (manga, music, games, etc etc). Instead, I will channel my time and energy into watching what I have previously downloaded. For the first two months, I have finished FIVE anime titles (Uta no Prince-sama, Vision of Escaflowne, Getsumen to Heiki Mina, Hanasaku Iroha, Afterschool Pleiades) and for this month I intend to finish 30 more titles. YES, THIRTY! (I am really pushing myself TAT). I have also been reading and plan to read more, and have so far finished SIX books (The House of Windjammer, The Golem's Eye, Ptolemy's Gate, The Lost Hero, The Son of Neptune, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz). The last book was a bet with my sister that we could finish the same book within the same month, and we also met that goal. Our new challenge for this month is to watch at least THREE movies, which won't be so difficult to achieve.

Other goals I have set for this month is to regularly update this blog, revamp/edit my other blog (which is a pretty much just a list of my hoards), and also to write for the new Anime Illusions blog. Might have to cut down internet time to achieve all of these, but I really want to make good use of this free month where I can get away from the brouhahas of my profession. Cos come April, I don't know what I will be doing but hopefully, I can make a major move in my career. So for now, please let me be a wee bit irresponsible and live up to being a bum. ヽ（´ー｀）┌

Oh, and sorry for the long rant. I was initially just going to do a "short" recap, but well... ＿|￣|○

ON LETTING GO. AND MOVING ON.

So. I have finally learned to let go and move on.

Today, I finally had the resolve to text all the consultants and staff of my previous workplace, including our big boss -- to inform them that I have officially resigned from the hospital, to appreciate them for all their guidance and teachings, and most importantly, to thank them for the friendship and memories we have developed during the past three years.

It was not easy for me though. I cried when I texted them, and I cried again when they texted me back. I held back tears and tried not to make my voice break when they called me up. Maybe my tendency to have "delayed reactions" helped, so I can at least act cheerful and positive about everything for the meantime. I can pretend that everything's OK, and everything's going as planned. Which, so far, is... not. ~__~

I am officially jobless. I, being the breadwinner of the family, have no idea how I'm gonna put food on the table, pay for the rent and bills, buy my father's medicines... Sure, I still have some savings for now, but everyone knows how money can easily go down the drain. And how long will I remain without work? Without a stable source of income? Perhaps, only God knows.

Still, I am not unemployed. Because technically, I cannot be unemployed. Being a physician is like having the profession ingrained in your skin -- you just can't rub it off. Even if I have left work, I am still a doctor of medicine. Even if I stay home and bum around the whole month, it doesn't make me less of a physician (albeit just a lazy one). And that was initially my plan. For this month, I wanted to idle in the house, clean my room, watch my animes, sing Bruno Mars' The Lazy Song, and do nothing at all~ ♪♪♫♪

But NO. That did not happen.

What happened was that the past week, I have been working. I don't know if friends and non-friends actually heard news of my resignation, or just by sheer chance decided to text me, but I have been requested by not one, not two, not three but FOUR different institutions to relieve duties for their doctors. Two of these were actually big hospitals in the city and the other two were company clinics. At first I was hesitant to accept any offers, since I didn't want to adjust to new environments, system and people. But I figured beggars can't be choosers and that it's wrong to reject blessings, so I decided to just go with the flow. Fighting feelings of  fear, confusion and inadequacy, I faced these new places as challenges. And somehow, I find myself not only rewarded with monetary returns, but also with a sense of excitement and satisfaction from my accomplishments. I am fired up to go the extra mile and improve myself more.

But... I must admit, I am not that strong. And often I find myself afraid and worried. I constantly wonder when I'll reach my limit, until when I can pretend that everything is well, if I can still keep up putting a nonchalant smile in front of my parents when they ask to buy groceries and stuffs. I do wonder how long I can live on these odd jobs, if I'll be able to earn as much as before and provide my family with the comfort that they have grown used to. Sometimes I find myself scrimping on taxi and riding the jeepney (or even walking!), or just turning my back on fastfood shops and going home instead to eat leftovers, and I try to laugh it off and not make a big deal of it. It pains me but I push all of these at the back of my mind.

Some may think me foolish to have quit a stable job and turn my back on substantial salary, but I have my reasons. I don't want to talk about them anymore because they're all in the past, and I want them to stay buried in the past. I really needed to break free. Besides, it's about time I made a move to upgrade my career. Most of my friends are already in residency programs, or have finished their training. Although I am very proud and happy for them, and I know this is not a race and that we move at our own pace, yet I also cannot deny that I am envious of their achievements. Sometimes I remember the years, and think if I may have wasted my time away. But I don't want to see it that way. I know everything happens for a reason. I want to believe in my heart that I have been strengthened and perhaps, made wiser and better by the various events I have gone through. I want to fondly look back, and reminisce only beautiful and good memories of the people, places and experiences I have encountered.

I will surely miss my friends in Malaybalay City, especially Mam Cha. 

I hardly took pictures when I was there, so that makes me very sad right now.

Despite all these, I want everyone to understand that I have peace, and I know that I'm secure. There is a Certainty in the uncertain -- which is God -- and this is where I rest my faith. I know He makes all things possible, that He will pull me through these, that He will be my guide and my support. I trust in His unfailing love, and in His wonderful promises. I know this is only a phase in my life that I need to overcome, and I pray that through this, I may glorify His Name more and more. One of the Bible passages I really love right now is this:

Matthew 6:26-34 (New Living Translation)
Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your Heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to Him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your Heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.

“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."

So what is in store for me in the very near future? I really do not know. But what I do know right now is this: As long as SOPA/PIPA doesn't push through, I promise to continue to update my blog with my exciting adventures into the unknown. And I hope that whoever of you is reading this will continue to support me and join me in my journey.

* * *  H A P P Y    2 0 1 2 !  * * *

Before saying it becomes passé, let me greet everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

(coin art.. w00t!)

I don't plan on making a long entry about my new year's resolutions, plans, etc... I've done those before and well, nothing really happened. XD But my theme for this year would be "Out with the old, and In with the New" as I am praying for new and exciting changes in my life.

First of all of course is to change my planner...

Owning a planner is very important for me cos I love to make little notes/doodles, and it helps me keep track of many aspects of my life. I picked the oak-colored Starbucks planner to be my trusted partner for 2012. It's smaller than last year's planner and though I don't really like the lay-out that much, but I think we will make many many sweet memories together for this year. This is my third SB planner in a row, and perhaps, my last. My boyfriend and I decided that we will start saving up some moolah and hence will stop buying luxurious items such as these (we will buy Moleskine planners instead!!!). Cholo and I also plan to stop being impulsive spenders, to be more disciplined, and SRSLY lose some weight. We have big visions for our not-so-distant future, and we really need to keep our focus and tighten our pockets to achieve our goals.

After ranting about the importance of money, ironically, the next major change in my life right now is that I've resigned from my job effective the first day of this year for reasons that I don't want to expound anymore. Suffice it to say that I just wanted to get out of my comfort zone and move on with my life. I know it's a bit foolish to leave behind a stable, relatively good-paying job, especially with both my parents jobless right now. But I have given it a lot of thought, discussed it with a lot of significant people, and most importantly, prayed about it. So I'm seeing this as a leap of faith, as an act of complete surrender and dependence on God's greater plan for me. I do not know what the future holds, but I know my God holds my future. Yes, I am very much afraid, but I am really looking forward to see what doors of opportunities will open and what exciting experiences await me for this year.

Since I'll be (hopefully) having a lot of free time in my hands for the first couple of weeks of 2012, I really want to make good use of this chance to organize my life, my priorities and... my room! I have hoarded lots of stuffs last year like books, mangas, DVDs, etc and I really need to stop doing that cos I don't really have the space to hold them and the time to use them. After the tragedy of super tyyphoon Sendong, of which our apartment was also not spared (we were flooded till knee level!), we have come to realize that in just one snap, everything material could easily be taken away from you. And I know this is quite silly cos my hoards have no eternal value, but still, if I can, I want to really make good use of them. So I have set some realistic(?) challenges for myself and hopefully I will be able to do them this year;

• Read and study the Bible twice everyday
• Finish the entire Bible twice this year
• Blog at least once or twice a week
• Make at least 30 new artworks
• Read at least 30 books
• Watch at least 30 drama/TV series
• Watch at least 60 anime series
• Read at least 100 mangas
• Watch at least 300 movies

I know the above list is quite ridiculous and shows only the irrational, materialistic side of me, but setting such quota may be able to help me make better use of my time. I want to stop wasting my energy and time on staring blankly at social network sites, or playing insignificant games, and be more productive. Of course if there are more important things to do for my spiritual or career growth, my family and friends and real-life matters, these would naturally take precedence. But I don't want to waste any more time and energy doing useless things that will not make me a better individual. I hope this will indeed be a more fruitful year.

As Joel Osteen said in his bestselling book, "I've made up my mind to not waste any more days. I'm celebrating each as a gift from God." Here's wishing all of us a great year of celebration ahead.

UNVEILING THE NEW ME!

Hello! It's been a while since my last blog update. I have no excuses whatsoever though, and I have no plans of making one of those explanation entries again. The past has passed, what's done is done...


Well, on to very recent stuffs... I have some sort of equation here for you...

Q: What do you get by adding up an expensive hair salon + Takano glasses + hair dye?

A: You get this story, of course! (Plus a creepy bonus at the end!)

I've always wanted a new physical look, but have always been afraid to try because I know my face is too big and round for its own good. I wanted to get full bangs, get curls and dye my hair an unnatural shade of brown/orange/red/blue/etc, much like this lovely lady on the left side. But I know I cannot pull it off unless I lose much of the flab in my face (and on almost all parts of my body! >__< Besides, my mother would never agree to such radical hair colors!) So every time I go to beauty parlors and the hairdresser asks for my preference, I always chicken out. Hence, I've been sporting the same boring hairdo for perhaps almost ten years now!?! ＿|￣|O

And ever since I've laid my eyes on Takano Masamune from the NSFW anime/manga Sekaiichi Hatuskoi, I've been wanting him *coughs* wanting to get similar eyeglasses like his: all black, rectangular, maybe made of plastic. Well I have been looking in various optical shops, yet so far, my search is in vain.

Finally today, when my mom and I went to the mall, I decided to get a haircut and that full bangs that I've been wanting. So we went to this salon which was quite pricey and after getting shampooed, I proceeded in picking different hairstyles from their catalogue. Sadly, the stylist kept saying "NO GOOD!" to all of my choices, and the language barrier makes it so much difficult to understand his reasons. I felt exasperated and told him to do whatever he wants with my hair but not to cut it too long or too short. So he just gave me a trim. u__u I did get my full bangs, but with a warning that it will be quite difficult to maintain. (Whatever.) So now, I actually don't quite understand my hair. I don't know if I like it or not. >__<

Then afterwards, while strolling around the mall, I chanced upon rectangular reading glasses very much like Takano's! It was on sale and was quite cheap, so I'm not sure if it can last long if I use it everyday. Although it fits snugly on my face, I'm not sure if it looks good on me. I did buy it, but I'm still thinking if I should get corrective lenses fitted on it, or just continue using my old eyeglasses.

When we got home, my mother offered to apply some color on my hair. I have a box of  L'oreal hair dye which I got last month, so we decided to use that. For the record, I did choose various unnatural colors at the cosmetics shop, but my mom wouldn't let me get them, so we finally settled on Mahogany Copper Brown. I've had abundant white hair strands since fifth grade, yet it's actually my first time to apply color on my hair, so it was quite the new experience for me.

And the outcome?

Ta-dah!

(Remember Kim Sam Soon? Albeit, a fatter version. LOL)

I know. It's not the best look for me. But, I reckon it's still a good mugshot.
And me wearing orange is quite a funny but appropriate coincidence. 

δυσθυμία

Somehow, nothing just seems to be going well, or right.

Work has been wonderful, until I found out that I was oblivious to the fact that I was already actually in a very nasty spotlight. Now I just want to quit my job. Everything now seems like a lie. Everyone's a fake. There is no one to trust.

Should such a thing happen, then I don't know what's my next step in life.

In fact, I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. In ALL aspects of my life. Be it with my career, with my love life, with my family and friends, with my hobbies...

I don't know what the future has for me. I cannot envision anything. I am desperately trying to hold on to the belief that God holds my future. But all I see now is NOTHINGNESS.

I have no idea what to do with my gadzillions of books, animes, dramas, files, and stuffs. Things just pile up, and I allow them to pile up. Yet they are all cluttered and in disarray. Hoarding seems to be a way out, yet it also keeps me in. How ironic.

Went out today looking for three books. Didn't find a single one of them. Those books were lying around for weeks and nobody buys them. Just when I decide to buy them, they disappear from the shelves. Just... GREAT.

Was playing a game that I totally enjoyed, and thought that perhaps, it was something I'm good at. Then system crashed and data file was corrupted. Lost all 50++ hours worth of gaming. What a waste of time and effort. I am such a loser.

I guess I've always been a loser, in many ways. Never the best, always second or worse, falling too short of everyone's expectations, including my own. I am sorry I let everyone down. I am sorry I have failed so many times. Made all the wrong decisions. Made all the crazy choices.

I have limited money now, and will probably quit from my job sooner than later. Yet I keep squandering what little cash I have. I am a total nutcase. A sad excuse for a human.

I committed to do something, but I fear of doing it. I fear people's reactions. I fear their criticisms. I fear that I am just not good enough. And perhaps that's true.

I want to do something, yet nobody f***ing supports me. Or believes in me. I now feel like cr@p for even thinking about it in the first place. I will never be able to do that. I will never have the chance.

I am hating every part of me right now. I hate how I look and how I'm fat and how I just don't conform to what society wants to see. I hate how I am. I hate me. I hate every part of me.

Don't bother saying something nice. It won't make a difference.

Maybe I'll be fine in a few days. Just, PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE.

ALL "CLEAR"!!!

I have been victimized again! X____X

Remember my story on how some of my old pirated DVDs suddenly became like clear round plastic materials and lost all data?

Well, it has found another victim in my stash and it's none other than...

MY COPY OF SAIUNKOKU MONOGATARI THAT I HAVEN'T WATCHED YET!

Look at what happened to it...

It's now all clear and you can actually see the cover through the underside!

WHAT A CHEAP FSCK*NG@#%!$^&7$@!# PIECE OF TRASH!!!! T______T
It's not anyone's fault though, and if I were to point my fingers at someone, I'd blame myself. For supporting piracy. For stashing unnecessary materialistic stuffs. For not taking the time to watch my DVDs. And just for being the obsessive-compulsive hoarder that I am. I know these are made of cheap, low-quality materials and don't expect much from them, but of all titles, why Saiunkoku Monogatari!? I haven't watched it yet, don't know where to download it, and don't know anyone who has a copy of it! :(

And so this makes me ponder on what should be the best way to store my video collection. I have started backing up some of my files in external hard disks, but I'm afraid that they might get infected by a virus and crash someday (very much like what happened to my sister's now-useless Ipod Classic) and I'll lose at least 500gb worth of videos. I've also burned most of my animes into DVDs but I also noted that a lot of these somehow have burn errors and can no longer be read by my computer, thereby making me lose at least 4gb worth of files. Collecting DVDs also mean that they will eventually accumulate space in my room, which is exactly what is happening right now, as I've amassed at least two huge boxes full of VHS/CDs/VCDs/DVDs (to my mother's chagrin XD). Well, another option is to burn several copies and give them away to friends as gifts/back-ups, which is what I sometimes do, but that kinda takes up my time and money. Last option is to simply STOP COLLECTING, which I have been contemplating lately. The truth is, I've realized that I have been spending much and piling up a lot of these things which are earthly, costly, and later on, pretty useless. Doesn't the Bible say,
"Don't store up treasures here on earth, where they can be eaten by moths and get rusty, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where they will never become moth-eaten or rusty and where they will be safe from thieves. Wherever your treasure is, there your heart and thoughts will also be." (Matthew 6:19-21, NLT)

Anyhoo, one of my 2011 Goals is to go on a Download Diet, which means I'm trying not to click-and-download pretty much everything that I see online. It's so difficult not to give in to the temptation but with my current state of workload and the difficult internet access in my workplace, I think I can somehow lie low a bit this year. Then hopefully I can focus on more important aspects of my life, like my spiritual growth and deciding the right direction for my career.

But still... WHY SAIUNKOKU MONOGATARI!?!?!? *cries*

LOSING MY MIND

I blame today's blog title on Ate Yeyen who just showed me a link of Lee Seung Gi's HOPE concert! I can't think straight right now because of His Adorable Highness shooting "love bullets" at me. ^_______^ *hearts*

But anyway, that's really not the point of this blog entry right now. I think perhaps I am still having an aftereffect of My Girlfriend is a Gumiho + Koukou Debut because I had a major major crazy realization tonight! And before I start to rationalize and become lazy and put these thoughts away, I think I should just lose my mind and write about this. And then maybe I can finally get some decent and "dreamless" sleep afterwards.

A few months ago, I learned that one of my high school classmates was getting married. Now while that may not really strike as something out of the ordinary (cos everyone seems to be getting married nowadays), but this one was somewhat perturbing for me. You see, he used to be someone close to me, what Miho the Gumiho would call as a be-pu, but some complicated things happened and we ended up just not talking anymore. I'm not even sure if we're friends. I am quite sure though that I once threw away and burned his things in anger, that I once cried for him until I vowed to never shed tears for him again, that I once forced amnesia on myself to forget him, and that I once hated him for almost three years until God convicted me and told me it's wrong to hate (and maybe I somewhat matured and realized how silly I was). But we never really became friends again. Which was weird. Cos we were only like 18 in our batch, and everyone is a very good friend to me. Everyone but him.

So hearing about him getting married felt kinda awkward, but surprisingly, I was genuinely happy for him (not that I would actually say that to him). But what also surprised me, and perplexed me, was that I started having weird dreams afterwards (like this one). I don't have any reason to think about him, so I also have no reason to dream about him. But I guess hearing that news somewhat jumbled up my subconsciousness, and he started appearing in my dreams. Not often, but just at some random occasions. But it would always make me very annoyed and confused when I wake up.

And then two weeks ago, my friends called me up and told me that we were meeting him and his wife for dinner. I initially didn't plan on going cos I had work and didn't really feel like going. But I was curious. I also didn't want to lie and run away because I had no reason to. But the thought of going really agitated me. Well to make the long story short, I took the bus home late that night and, although I missed dinner, I was able to join them for gelato at Missy Bon Bon. His wife is pretty and even though I hardly spoke to her (I don't think I spoke to her at all >__<), I immediately liked her cos she seems like such a nice and friendly person. We all went home an hour after I arrived. I felt kinda disappointed afterwards. I really didn't know what to expect and I also didn't expect to expect anything given that situation, but it wasn't really the get together that I expected.

Close friends often tell me that I'm dense and that I tend to have delayed reactions. And I guess these are one of those times. Tonight I traveled back home again by bus (but I'm going back to work again early morning tomorrow). I was listening to flumpool (super great band!) and sleeping, which is what I usually do while riding the bus so I don't get dizzy and nauseous. Then after about an hour inside the bus, I jerked and woke up. And maybe because of the similarity of my bus ride home two weeks ago, or perhaps that I was wearing the same jacket, but all at once these heap and jumble of old memories just came flooding into my mind, all of which were related to him! Everything just flashed before me -- how we became be-pu in 2nd year, how we stopped talking in 3rd year, how he patched things up and we started talking again in 4th year, how things went well in summer, and then went bad in college... Suddenly, I started to recall some stuffs which I thought I had already forgotten, and remembered various emotions which I thought I've already let go. And without warning, in that dimly lit bus, I started to cry silently.

As much as I want to stomp and crush and kick and set fire and bury and spit on those recollections of the past, I now realize that I just can't erase them. No matter how good or how terrible they were, they helped shaped me into who I am today. That major phase of my life made me the bitter or better person I am right now, and I believe what happened just had to happen because it was NECESSARY. I do not deny the fact that if not for him and what happened back then, I probably wouldn't have chosen to be a doctor right now. If not for him and what happened back then, I probably wouldn't have run into Japanese anime for comfort and distraction. If not for him and what happened back then, I probably would not have known how to love myself more and to establish my own identity before involving myself in a relationship. I would have gladly preferred not to have gone through all those affliction and misery to learn all of these lessons, but I guess this was what God gave me to deal with, and to struggle with, and to be transformed with into who I am now. Maybe I didn't see it before, but now I know and I believe that it was a NECESSARY kind of pain.

And as I really started to think about the situation and not just about myself, I began to realize that maybe I wasn't the only one who was in pain back then. Maybe he was too. I suddenly isolated myself and refused to talk to him, without bothering to explain what went wrong. Of course I must have caused him pain! I must have made him confused, and if he really did care, then I must have also made him miserable as well. Did I hurt his pride or provoked him to anger? Did he also agonize in despair or wallowed in bitterness? Did he hate me as well?

Does he still hate me now? x__X

(I really can't imagine being hated since I believe I'm quite a lovable person. And he's probably not the type to hate. I really don't know... Maybe he just didn't really care about what happened and I'm just thinking too much?)

But whatever his thoughts are, I guess now I somehow understand my own thoughts. What really agitated me for more than ten years, for the past few months, since last two weeks is probably the fact that I lost a friend. And not just any random acquaintance, but someone who was once like a brother, and a best friend to me. And I am partly to blame for this. And yes, I did have expectations and that's why I went to meet them two weeks ago. I was hoping that I could talk to him, and sincerely wish him happiness. But it wasn't the proper situation and the right time to bring up all these. After all of the long years and with the different directions of our lives, I don't know if we will ever have the chance to talk about what happened. I don't even know if he wants to talk about it, or if he just doesn't care at all. Maybe it won't be fixed anymore. Perhaps there is nothing left that can be fixed anymore.

I do not know if there will ever be an opportunity. But maybe someday I can find the courage to face him and ask him to forgive me.
And maybe by then, I hope, I can also find the courage to forgive myself.

AND I CRY FRAUD!!

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to get my own credit card, papers-free and hassle-free. Although I don't use it that often, but I find it convenient to pay for some stuffs using plastic. I've always been careful when using it, and meticulously logs every purchase on my journal so as not to forget. So I was surprised last night when I opened my credit card statement for this month and saw a whopping P12,256.72 billed to me!

Scrutinizing the transaction details, I noted several online purchases charged to me which I never made. In my state of panic, I called up my sister who told me to call up the company's domestic toll free number and report the anomaly. I reached their customer service agent who advised me to write a letter of dispute and she then had my card declared as fraud and had it blocked from any use. I told her I am definitely NOT paying for those extra purchases.

So now I don't have a card. =___=

I know there are a lot of these scams nowadays, but I never expected it to happen to me. I hope this matter will be investigated and will be resolved soon. And I also hope credit card companies will further make the necessary measures to protect their clients.

TODAY WAS A USELESS DAY

Today was one of the most useless days of my life. I woke up at 630am, which was pretty early since I didn't have work, had breakfast and went online for a while before preparing myself for today's activities. Here's what I had in mind:
1. Go to GSIS to secure an Ecard.
2. Go to SSS to have my photo taken and ID made.
3. Go to PMA to get my Powercard and renew my membership to the association.
4. Go to PLDT-Philcom to get my billing statements.
5. Go to Gaisano (for no specific reason).
6. Go to Ate Gigi's house for pedicure.

So off I went, excited to do so many things today, and guess what happened!?

1. Went to GSIS and saw the snake-like queue for priority numbers. They started giving out the numbers since 4am, and I was already 6 hours behind the line. I figured I'd be wasting too much time waiting, so I decided to leave.

2. Went to SSS and saw no queue! Went up to the security guard and learned that they already finished handing out all the priority numbers for the day (so that is why there's no line!). To save face, I pretended instead to ask for the E6 application form, but I already knew that it can be downloaded from the net.

3. Went to PMA but they couldn't find my Powercard. To save face (again!), I told them that I'll pay my annual dues instead, but I learned that I was PhP500 short of the amount, so I ended up not paying and not saving my face at all. ^^;

4. Went to PLDT-Philcom and learned that due to some system problem, I still don't have my bill since December. I crossed my fingers and hoped that meant free connection forever, but I think they will eventually send me a collective bill, and I'll prolly be too broke by then to pay up.

5. Went to Gaisano. Bought several Tommy Hilfiger swim shorts for my father and myself. They were really cute. I then had lunch at Chowking and finally got a taste of the Orange Chicken Lauriat. It wasn't anything special at all. Boo.

6. Went to Ate Gigi's house so that she could fix the pain my ingrown toenails is causing me. She wasn't home. Boo again.

It was still 3pm but I opted to go home instead and played Plants vs Zombies. I finally finished the Adventure Mode, had noodles for dinner, and brewed really bad coffee (too bland). Then I fixed up my list and now I'm blogging.

Tomorrow is the start of more mis-adventures. Suoh and his dad are coming over for a visit, and on Friday, my sister will be coming home with her boyfriend. It's going to be a very busy week ahead.

BEING PATIENT TO PATIENTS

I always joke that the reason I am a doctor is because I don't want to be patient. Actually that's not true, because I am often a gentle-mannered, polite, and easy-going person in almost all aspects of my life. Most of the time you won't see me get angry, or lash out against another person, or make sarcastic or mean remarks right in front of the person concerned. (Although I do have a loud and beefy voice which is often mistaken as an "annoyed" tone, and I can be honest to you about certain things, and I really don't want to tell you about stuffs suoh12 and I talk about in private regarding certain people -- BUT THAT'S NOT REALLY MY POINT HERE. XD) But most often than not, I'm really just your nice and friendly and accommodating neighborhood person. So getting me really angry early in the morning is totally stretching it to the limits. Which was what happened today.

I admitted a case of blunt trauma secondary to a vehicular crash at around 3AM today. The driver-turned-patient was drunk, and I had to bit my tongue to keep myself from saying that his foolishness and recklessness just made me lose much-needed sleep. I assessed him and managed him as a professional physician should do, even calling up the rad tech to do STAT Xrays. And even without presenting any insurance or deposits, we even started antibiotics on him. I was so busy with him that it was almost 530AM when I finally got to go back to my room. But not before I talked with his mother and explained his condition to the best of my ability, and reassured her that come morning, we will suture his wound and he will be seen by his attending surgeon who was already informed of this admission.

So imagine my confusion, and annoyance, when I was awakened after an hour by our nurse, who tells me that this certain patient's watcher (a sister who just arrived that morning) is making a scene in front of the nurses' station demanding to see a doctor and see something done to her brother. I immediately went down to see what was the problem, and introduced myself politely to this lady (whom I just saw for the first time). To my (groggy) surprise, she started b*tching about how we didn't do anything to her patient, and accused us of prioritizing money matters over the saving of a life. I rebutted her every allegation, because I know these weren't true at all. But she proceeded on raging and even speaking in english, and I also retorted back in english. I was reassuring her that her brother was being monitored properly and that his condition was stable. But I was also already subtly adding sarcasm to my remarks, and I had raised my voice a bit just to show her who's the authority here. She still b*tched till the very end, and said that I'd better be sure of what I was telling her. I turned away in annoyance because I didn't want to talk to someone who didn't want to listen to me anyway.

I went back to my room and noticed that my hands were shaking. I've never been good at confronting people or getting mad at them, and it always shows. My hands always shake and my speech is often all jumbled up. Most often I end up saying the wrong and lame things, and the words don't really sound quite right. Even my "angry tone" just doesn't sound at all convincing. Sometimes I also get tears in my eyes, which I always hate. I always seem to cry whenever I'm ovewhelmed with emotions. It's really quite embarrassing and inappropriate. Good thing I didn't cry in front of that lady. I know what I said to her and what I did to her patient were right, and what she said was plain ridiculous and her haughty attitude totally unnecessary. Deep down my conscience was clean. Yet I still couldn't help but feel a little bit guilty because of our exchange of conversation. I really don't like getting into these kinds of things. Couldn't we just have talked normally and peacefully and professionally instead?

The patient was eventually seen by his attending surgeon. His condition was stable all throughout this morning. His lacerated wound was sutured and a cranial CT scan (negative findings!) done. But all the while his sister still kept her b*tchy attitude, tormenting a lot of our hospital staff with her english words (except our Chief Nurse, whose glare alone can make you simply shut up).

Later in the afternoon however, a chest tube was inserted into his right lung, and that's when our surgeon noted he still seemed to be in a lot of pain. So he did a diagnostic peritoneal lavage and noted that the patient was bleeding inside his abdomen. So we immediately scheduled for an emergency explore lap, and guess who was called up to scrub in as surgical assistant? Lucky Me. It wasn't as toxic as it appeared though, and in no time the operation was done, and the patient was stable all throughout this ordeal (and hopefully until he gets discharged).

The events this afternoon made me think twice again about my attitude today. I do not claim to be a superior doctor nor to be a very knowledgeable one. I know I am lacking in many aspects and that I need to try harder. And everyday I always keep praying that God won't let me have patients that I do not have the ability to handle or manage, and somehow I get through every working day of my life learning through my experiences, through my peers, through my mentors. Although I swear to God that I managed that patient well, I still can't help but re-think about my attitude towards my patient and towards his sister, especially after I reassured her that her brother's condition was stable, yet he was still wheeled into the OR in the afternoon. Perhaps I was too haughty and overconfident? Perhaps I was too irritable and careless? I really don't know...

I know I am not perfect, but I do want to become a really good and holistic doctor. And I can only do so if I depend on the guidance of the Ultimate Healer and try harder in everything. I need to continue to pray to God for a heart of humility and compassion, and the attitude to be more patient to my patients (and their b*tchy sisters).