"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
(2 Corinthians 4:8)
Last night I thought I was really going nuts with all the thoughts in my mind. I thought I was going to be like Sybil, and have a split personality. Unfortunately.. er, fortunately, I don't have that "honor". LOLz I fell asleep instead, and woke up around 2 in the morning, somehow feeling relieved. My mind has cleared and I was ready for inner peace. I was ready to let go of every bad thing that I felt. I prayed and read my Bible.
I have decided to let it all go. The anger, the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, the disillusionment, everything... It was interfering with my studies, with my life, I just had to let it go. I realized it was totally beyond my control. And somehow I knew that it was the right thing -- the only thing -- to do. Well, I actually knew that since the first day, but of course, when you are irrational, it's practically impossible for some sense to reach your brain. Anyway, I felt good. I felt peace.
And this morning, as if that decision was the main trigger, I think the tension at home is miraculously starting to clear up. ^___^ Our Pharma paper is being readied. I have finished reading my Psychiatry hand-out. I don't have constricting chest pains anymore. I can listen to and sing along with Jay Zhou (GyAaA!!! ^o^). I have learned to smile once again. YES! Life is good. The fresh air is good (my city isn't that polluted yet ^o^). GOD IS AWESOME!!! *jumps in joy*
I apologize for being quite hysterical. LOLz I must've freaked out and driven away those who care enough to read my blog. Ehehe ^^;; Actually, I was pretty freaked out at myself too! Kowaii de-su! I really do scare myself at times. *sheepish* Gomen ne.
Actually, I did feel pretty disappointed at all my friends (and if you consider yourself in some way as my friend, you should at least feel some guilt. LOLz), because the whole week I never really heard from any of them. (Well, except from those who left some comments. Domo arigatou. ^__^v) They probably knew that I was purposely ignoring my phone so they didn't bother to text. *sad* Hidoi de-su. LOLz Actually ne, I really should not blame them, because it's not in any way their fault. And it was probably a test intended for me alone. *sigh* I guess I can sometimes be selfish and dependent. Gomen ne... *hides in a basket*
I was thinking of deleting the past entries, but I decided not to, because these are part of me as well, and I did mean everything I wrote. Especially that part where I said that I shall forever bear the scars of this experience. I will never forget it, but I can learn to put it aside now. In doing so, I'm trying not to let external events affect the way I feel. I think I'm trying to be strong on my own and accept my burdens. And somehow, everytime I do that, I actually harden my heart even more. I am afraid that one day I might have a "fibrotic" heart. Nyahaha ^o^ Seriously, I am afraid that one day I just might put up too much "defense mechanisms" and become too indifferent that I might become incapable of feeling. *sigh* My sister once said I have a heart of stone. *sad*
In Tomb Raider 2, there was actually a part that I appreciated a lot. It was when Lara Croft was made to choose between the guy and her principles. And somehow I saw that behind her tough and cool facade, she was just a woman deep down. Maybe even weak and wanting to be protected. I don't know. Perhaps I just imagined it (or maybe Angelina Jolie's acting totally got into me. LOLz). Anyway, well, *squirms* maybe in some way I am a little like her. (Er, definitely not in terms of physical looks. Ehek ^^;;). And well, maybe my "fibrotic" heart just needs to become "un-fibrotic". LOlz I don't know de-su. Once, I almost learned to let go of the hardened part of me. Maybe even hoped that I'd be able to do already. But I guess there may be some things in life that are not just right yet. *sheepish*
I have decided that I wanna be as honest as possible, if not to others, then at least to myself. I wanna be able to say what I truly think and how I truly feel. At least somehow, this might help me keep in touch with who I really am. And maybe I don't have to keep so much and talk often to myself. Ehek~ u.u Um.. I think I've already said too much ne? So much has been revealed, nyahaha. I guess it's also NOT good to be TOO honest. *winks* LOLz
OK, 'nuff said. Wish me luck as I face this brand new day (and week ^o^). I promise to do my best. Ganbarimasu! =^__^=
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly, we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)
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