::: with the bad news comes the good news :::
I’m now on my third week of rotation as a clerk for Internal Medicine in MRH. It had been quite a VERY taxing experience so far. The physical workload is less since it is a smaller and private hospital, and we don’t really get much hands-on experience on our patients because they are paying clients who prefer their own physicians to attend to their needs. Our main responsibilities are only to see and admit patients, and to do our daily progress notes. Unfortunately, it is not as easy as it sounds. The pressure here is mental and emotional. We have to study, study, study and STUDY even more. We have to learn to rationalize and correlate everything that is happening to our patients straight away. And we have to do daily endorsements TWICE a day where we are practically grilled and pushed to the point of breaking down. Even though I know this is part of the training and we still need to learn so much, yet it just seems that all our efforts are fruitless and we don’t really know anything! And no matter how hard we try, we are just not catching up with the pace that our residents have set and this pressure is just suffocating us and psychologically destroying us everyday. All of us are already depressed and drained, and two of my groupmates have already shed tears of frustration. Even I myself am so tired of feeling the worthlessness in all that I do. This is the only point in my entire medicine life that I start questioning and doubting if I am really fit to become a doctor. [very sad] Of course we just try to ignore these negative thoughts and feelings, but we are still distressed.
I cannot deny though that despite the hard life that we are enduring, we have at least learned something. In a private hospital, we can see the more ideal approach and management of patients. We go on rounds with our consultants and residents and we pick up techniques of history taking and physical examination along the way as well as adapt the kind of thinking they do. And since we are pushed to study our books, we understand more of what is happening to the health of our patients. I have also seen a lot of interesting conditions like acute respiratory distress syndrome, guillain-barre syndrome, and even a probable case of meningococcemia! I probably would never forget that since Hya and I were the ones who personally mechanically-ventilated the patient (who eventually expired). We all had to take prophylaxis afterwards because as we all know, meningococcemia is an infective disease which may be fatal. ^^;;
I really don’t know how to express all these built up emotions I have within me. We are happy that we are learning but at the same time, we are not happy that we are doing it in such a manner that we lose our sense of pride and self-confidence. I know it’s probably for our own good yet I think there are so many ways to improve ourselves, and being pressured to do so and to feel insignificant in all that we do just doesn’t seem so right. Anyway, with the bad news comes the good news. We are so looking forward and counting the days when we can go back to NMMC next month. There may be more patients and more work to be done there, but that place feels more like home to us.
This is the least of all things imaginable. I believe fate is on my side. All that I can think of right now is that God knows everything and God is good to me. He knew beforehand that my life is MRH will break me down emotionally. He knew in advance that I would need a lot of strength and loads of inspiration to keep me sane and cheerful. He knew exactly what I need.
It was probably my second week in MRH when Dr Simbulan suddenly arrived with someone in my station. I wasn’t really paying so much attention since he is a surgeon and not an IM consultant. And I couldn’t see very well since I wasn’t wearing my glasses. But when I looked up as Dr Simbulan introduced his companion – the new surgery pre-resident, I went into a totally BOKU WA SHOCK MODE DE-SU!!! Of all the people that I can think of, I never would have expected HIM to appear before my very eyes! Guess who?! Nyahahahaha It was actually my sempai, the one I just mentioned here a few weeks ago. The one whom I thought I would never see again. The one who I stalked around during my first year. The one who I liked so so so so much since day one of med school. The one who can brighten up my day and warm my heart just by his mere existence.
[very very big smile ^______________________________^]
Ever since that memorable day, I could no longer keep my feet on the ground. I feel as if I am on cloud nine everyday. I get energized just by seeing him (and I do get to see him A LOT since MRH is so small). I get intoxicated whenever he’s near me. I get flustered whenever he speaks to me (YES! He actually talks to me! Nyahahahaha ^_____^) Heck, I even become so restless just by hearing his name being called in the paging system. I don’t know how it happened, but it happened. A dream just became real.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, it doesn’t take much to make me happy. The mere fact that I can see him everyday already livens up my spirit and strengthens me to go on (corny as that may actually sound, nyahahaha). I feel so much happier now, just because I see him everyday. It’s so silly that I can actually think and feel this way! I just find him totally adorable! It’s as if I’m watching Kimura Takuya or Gackt, but only, this is not TV.
It’s real. ^____________^
[sigh] With the good news comes the bad news. I feel sad that my rotation in MRH will end in around two week’s time. That means I probably won’t see him again until I go back during my Pedia rotation or perhaps, maybe I would never get to see him again after this. It’s very sad that I am so much looking forward to going back to NMMC, yet I am also dreading that day when I won’t see my sempai again. I am actually afraid that the single nurses and residents will feast over him when I am no longer there (nyahahaha, as if I actually have a control over that! ^o^). Oh, why does he have to be in the place where I don’t want to be?! o_____0 And what is going to happen to me when I will part ways with him and go back to NMMC?! (actually, nothing will happen to me, nyahahahaha...)
Anyway, I’ll point out another example how God is so so so extra good to me:
My sempai and I... we have the same schedule. We go on 24-h duty together. ^______^
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