A Piffle Princess Story

SWEET AND SOUR PORK

"My mind was first convinced because of the confirmations from God; then my heart wil follow..."

I don't really want to write this, but I will SUFFER if I don't get this off my chest. Actually, I want to tell someone about it, but I don't want to sound so corny. XD

About two nights ago, I suddenly had the urge to text my best friend Cath just to update myself about what she has been up to. Because when I left CDO, she had a potential "suitor" (although I don't know if this is an appropriate term ^O^). She actually had a lot of suitors before, but none of them were just right for her. And Cath is Cath. She's smart, practical, rational, non-crazy Cath. She's not the type to fall helplessly in love at first sight. She's not the person to go passionately ga-ga over something. She's the Miyuki if I'm the Natsumi. So while in CDO, I was a bit surprised that she considered the guy. But actually, he sounds (because I haven't met him yet) so RIGHT for her. So SUITABLE. Never mind his other "good" traits. The fact that he is a Christian with a VERY STRONG FAITH already says so much.

So when I texted Cath last Friday night, and she replied that maybe she might be "graduating" from the NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth) Club soon, for a second there, I was completely stunned. I didn't exactly understand how I felt. Of course, I was definitely VERY HAPPY for her. But there was suddenly a heaviness in my heart, a sour feeling in the pits of my stomach. I thought, maybe I'm just not used to seeing her like this? Perhaps I was just too surprised by the news? Or could I actually be feeling pangs of envy? :(

Promise, I don't want to feel this way. I hate how I feel right now and it often bothers me. I can't help it though, the damn feeling is still there. You can't, after all, control how you feel. I am truly, sincerely, super happy for her, because I know she deserves this and I know this is truly God's gift for her. They both prayed seriously for this. And it's making me feel guilty that I am feeling this way, like a kid jealous of another kid's gift. Actually, I DON'T WANT to feel this way nga. Chikusho. Cath seems so happy and so blessed and so sure, and she even said it's enough that I feel happy for her. I want to cry. I should just feel happy. I should not have any other "extra", "inappropriate" feelings. I hate myself for feeling this way. >.<

I'm writing about this because I don't know what to do with how I feel. So maybe getting it off my heart and throwing it into the realms of the netherworld interNET world will help. I can't talk it out with my other friends because some will become even more depressed, some will laugh, or some will find me weird. And I can't definitely tell this to Cath, who has always been my outlet. ^o^ By the way, I didn't ask her permission to write about this. She might kill me when she finds out. XD Wehehehe This is so not like me.

Anyway, I think I feel better now. I am truly happy for Cath.

And I'm still happy being me. (^____________^)v