A Piffle Princess Story

ON LETTING GO. AND MOVING ON.

So. I have finally learned to let go and move on.

Today, I finally had the resolve to text all the consultants and staff of my previous workplace, including our big boss -- to inform them that I have officially resigned from the hospital, to appreciate them for all their guidance and teachings, and most importantly, to thank them for the friendship and memories we have developed during the past three years.

It was not easy for me though. I cried when I texted them, and I cried again when they texted me back. I held back tears and tried not to make my voice break when they called me up. Maybe my tendency to have "delayed reactions" helped, so I can at least act cheerful and positive about everything for the meantime. I can pretend that everything's OK, and everything's going as planned. Which, so far, is... not. ~__~

I am officially jobless. I, being the breadwinner of the family, have no idea how I'm gonna put food on the table, pay for the rent and bills, buy my father's medicines... Sure, I still have some savings for now, but everyone knows how money can easily go down the drain. And how long will I remain without work? Without a stable source of income? Perhaps, only God knows.

Still, I am not unemployed. Because technically, I cannot be unemployed. Being a physician is like having the profession ingrained in your skin -- you just can't rub it off. Even if I have left work, I am still a doctor of medicine. Even if I stay home and bum around the whole month, it doesn't make me less of a physician (albeit just a lazy one). And that was initially my plan. For this month, I wanted to idle in the house, clean my room, watch my animes, sing Bruno Mars' The Lazy Song, and do nothing at all~ ♪♪♫♪

But NO. That did not happen.

What happened was that the past week, I have been working. I don't know if friends and non-friends actually heard news of my resignation, or just by sheer chance decided to text me, but I have been requested by not one, not two, not three but FOUR different institutions to relieve duties for their doctors. Two of these were actually big hospitals in the city and the other two were company clinics. At first I was hesitant to accept any offers, since I didn't want to adjust to new environments, system and people. But I figured beggars can't be choosers and that it's wrong to reject blessings, so I decided to just go with the flow. Fighting feelings of  fear, confusion and inadequacy, I faced these new places as challenges. And somehow, I find myself not only rewarded with monetary returns, but also with a sense of excitement and satisfaction from my accomplishments. I am fired up to go the extra mile and improve myself more.

But... I must admit, I am not that strong. And often I find myself afraid and worried. I constantly wonder when I'll reach my limit, until when I can pretend that everything is well, if I can still keep up putting a nonchalant smile in front of my parents when they ask to buy groceries and stuffs. I do wonder how long I can live on these odd jobs, if I'll be able to earn as much as before and provide my family with the comfort that they have grown used to. Sometimes I find myself scrimping on taxi and riding the jeepney (or even walking!), or just turning my back on fastfood shops and going home instead to eat leftovers, and I try to laugh it off and not make a big deal of it. It pains me but I push all of these at the back of my mind.

Some may think me foolish to have quit a stable job and turn my back on substantial salary, but I have my reasons. I don't want to talk about them anymore because they're all in the past, and I want them to stay buried in the past. I really needed to break free. Besides, it's about time I made a move to upgrade my career. Most of my friends are already in residency programs, or have finished their training. Although I am very proud and happy for them, and I know this is not a race and that we move at our own pace, yet I also cannot deny that I am envious of their achievements. Sometimes I remember the years, and think if I may have wasted my time away. But I don't want to see it that way. I know everything happens for a reason. I want to believe in my heart that I have been strengthened and perhaps, made wiser and better by the various events I have gone through. I want to fondly look back, and reminisce only beautiful and good memories of the people, places and experiences I have encountered.

I will surely miss my friends in Malaybalay City, especially Mam Cha. 

I hardly took pictures when I was there, so that makes me very sad right now.

Despite all these, I want everyone to understand that I have peace, and I know that I'm secure. There is a Certainty in the uncertain -- which is God -- and this is where I rest my faith. I know He makes all things possible, that He will pull me through these, that He will be my guide and my support. I trust in His unfailing love, and in His wonderful promises. I know this is only a phase in my life that I need to overcome, and I pray that through this, I may glorify His Name more and more. One of the Bible passages I really love right now is this:

Matthew 6:26-34 (New Living Translation)
Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your Heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to Him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your Heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.

“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."

So what is in store for me in the very near future? I really do not know. But what I do know right now is this: As long as SOPA/PIPA doesn't push through, I promise to continue to update my blog with my exciting adventures into the unknown. And I hope that whoever of you is reading this will continue to support me and join me in my journey.