WHEN GOD CLOSES A DOOR

Four years ago, I went with two close friends to PGH to apply for a slot in their OB-GYN Residency Training program. After a month of pre-residency, I got accepted, but I chickened out. A lot of valid reasons to justify why I didn't pursue it back then, but looking back, well, those were probably just excuses.

Two years ago, I mustered up the courage to go back again. This time, I went alone. I stayed for more than a month. I thought I prepared myself really well for it, but I just wasn't prepared for this...

Well, it's been almost two years now since that letter. I've just never seemed to have learned to move on. It's like all these years I have been chasing after that dream, but it has been an elusive one. In fact, I've always wondered if it's just all wishful thinking. I'm not even sure if I want to be an obstetrician-gynecologist, if I want to spend my entire life taking care of women and delivering their babies. I never really considered applying for other hospitals or preparing for another field. So since I don't have a Plan B, let's just say that I've been a little lost since then. I just don't know where else to go.

So, with the intent of taking a step forward, I decided to submit an application to train in the tertiary government hospital in my city. It may not be as prestigious as PGH, but I've had my clerkship year there, and I know that their training is excellent. But I was very busy and depressed last month, and was still so hesitant about handing in my application. So by the time I submitted my papers last Wednesday, there were already TEN others who have been scheduled for pre-residency for the next three months. And only TWO of them will be accepted come January. The chairperson of the department politely suggested that I follow up my application some time JULY of 2013. In other words, come back again next year.

And since I didn't apply in any other hospitals, I guess I'm not training again for another year...  (╯︵╰,)

At this point, I really do not know what to do with my life anymore. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm also losing my endurance in working and my drive for my profession. I want to look at this positively and understand all of this, but it's not like anything in my life right now is going anywhere.

I am quite disappointed with myself and with the fact that my application wasn't successful. Disappointed, but not really devastated. In fact, I was surprised that I was able to accept it easily, and that I was even relieved. My prayer was that if I won't be accepted anyway, then I'd rather not be wasting time and effort doing a month of pre-residency. I wasn't expecting God's answer to be a form of rejection, but the chairperson of the department was really nice and sympathetic about the whole thing, and so I actually didn't feel like I was turned down. The thought that came into my mind was that, "When God closes a door, He does it with a really loud bang!" At least I got a crystal clear answer.

As a friend from church said encouragingly, "Thank God for unanswered prayers, because we know that there's something else better in store for us." Maybe, it's just not meant to be. Or possibly the timing isn't right yet. I might still have something I need to accomplish. Plus I'm currently enrolled in GLC and I still have to finish the course so I can graduate this March. But whatever my future holds, I know Who holds my future. That's pretty much the dogma that has been sustaining me through this trying time, this wandering in the wilderness for many years akin to what the Israelites went through. And I know that He would never leave me nor withhold His blessings, cos as soon as I left the hospital, job offers for the next two months came through my phone. There's even work until April of next year that's being offered to me! The doors for residency training may be closed for now, and I probably still won't know where I'm heading for. But I am still a physician and no one can take that away from me. And I have my security and my peace in my God, and that too, will always pull me through.

ON LETTING GO. AND MOVING ON.

So. I have finally learned to let go and move on.

Today, I finally had the resolve to text all the consultants and staff of my previous workplace, including our big boss -- to inform them that I have officially resigned from the hospital, to appreciate them for all their guidance and teachings, and most importantly, to thank them for the friendship and memories we have developed during the past three years.

It was not easy for me though. I cried when I texted them, and I cried again when they texted me back. I held back tears and tried not to make my voice break when they called me up. Maybe my tendency to have "delayed reactions" helped, so I can at least act cheerful and positive about everything for the meantime. I can pretend that everything's OK, and everything's going as planned. Which, so far, is... not. ~__~

I am officially jobless. I, being the breadwinner of the family, have no idea how I'm gonna put food on the table, pay for the rent and bills, buy my father's medicines... Sure, I still have some savings for now, but everyone knows how money can easily go down the drain. And how long will I remain without work? Without a stable source of income? Perhaps, only God knows.

Still, I am not unemployed. Because technically, I cannot be unemployed. Being a physician is like having the profession ingrained in your skin -- you just can't rub it off. Even if I have left work, I am still a doctor of medicine. Even if I stay home and bum around the whole month, it doesn't make me less of a physician (albeit just a lazy one). And that was initially my plan. For this month, I wanted to idle in the house, clean my room, watch my animes, sing Bruno Mars' The Lazy Song, and do nothing at all~ ♪♪♫♪

But NO. That did not happen.

What happened was that the past week, I have been working. I don't know if friends and non-friends actually heard news of my resignation, or just by sheer chance decided to text me, but I have been requested by not one, not two, not three but FOUR different institutions to relieve duties for their doctors. Two of these were actually big hospitals in the city and the other two were company clinics. At first I was hesitant to accept any offers, since I didn't want to adjust to new environments, system and people. But I figured beggars can't be choosers and that it's wrong to reject blessings, so I decided to just go with the flow. Fighting feelings of  fear, confusion and inadequacy, I faced these new places as challenges. And somehow, I find myself not only rewarded with monetary returns, but also with a sense of excitement and satisfaction from my accomplishments. I am fired up to go the extra mile and improve myself more.

But... I must admit, I am not that strong. And often I find myself afraid and worried. I constantly wonder when I'll reach my limit, until when I can pretend that everything is well, if I can still keep up putting a nonchalant smile in front of my parents when they ask to buy groceries and stuffs. I do wonder how long I can live on these odd jobs, if I'll be able to earn as much as before and provide my family with the comfort that they have grown used to. Sometimes I find myself scrimping on taxi and riding the jeepney (or even walking!), or just turning my back on fastfood shops and going home instead to eat leftovers, and I try to laugh it off and not make a big deal of it. It pains me but I push all of these at the back of my mind.

Some may think me foolish to have quit a stable job and turn my back on substantial salary, but I have my reasons. I don't want to talk about them anymore because they're all in the past, and I want them to stay buried in the past. I really needed to break free. Besides, it's about time I made a move to upgrade my career. Most of my friends are already in residency programs, or have finished their training. Although I am very proud and happy for them, and I know this is not a race and that we move at our own pace, yet I also cannot deny that I am envious of their achievements. Sometimes I remember the years, and think if I may have wasted my time away. But I don't want to see it that way. I know everything happens for a reason. I want to believe in my heart that I have been strengthened and perhaps, made wiser and better by the various events I have gone through. I want to fondly look back, and reminisce only beautiful and good memories of the people, places and experiences I have encountered.

I will surely miss my friends in Malaybalay City, especially Mam Cha. 

I hardly took pictures when I was there, so that makes me very sad right now.

Despite all these, I want everyone to understand that I have peace, and I know that I'm secure. There is a Certainty in the uncertain -- which is God -- and this is where I rest my faith. I know He makes all things possible, that He will pull me through these, that He will be my guide and my support. I trust in His unfailing love, and in His wonderful promises. I know this is only a phase in my life that I need to overcome, and I pray that through this, I may glorify His Name more and more. One of the Bible passages I really love right now is this:

Matthew 6:26-34 (New Living Translation)
Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your Heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to Him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your Heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.

“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."

So what is in store for me in the very near future? I really do not know. But what I do know right now is this: As long as SOPA/PIPA doesn't push through, I promise to continue to update my blog with my exciting adventures into the unknown. And I hope that whoever of you is reading this will continue to support me and join me in my journey.

MEET BROOKE SHIELDS

                                                                                                                                   


I've been hoarding collecting a lot of books lately, most of which were on sale. And as the number of books increased alarmingly in my room, I realized that there was already a need to buy a shelf to hold them in. Fortunately, I found the perfect one last month, but since my room was still such a huge mess then, I didn't buy it immediately. It was only last week when I've finally cleaned up the room a bit, and so the shelf was bought and delivered yesterday.

I know owning a bookshelf would make me happy, but when I saw it standing in my room, I suddenly just had this indescribable joy within me. It was beautiful! Then I remembered that when I was still a kid, and reading was still such a passionate hobby for me, I've always wanted a bookshelf I could call my own. So it was just like fulfilling a childhood dream! I was in absolute bliss! *^__^*

So here are close-up photos of my shelf, whose name by the way is Brooke Shields. Why? Well, it's a little complicated to explain, so I'll just leave it that way for you to wonder... XD

Top layer shows my latest books, which are mostly in sets.

Second layer holds all mangas, most of which are works by Clamp!

Big books at the far end are my Card Captor Sakura and Disgaea artbooks.

Third layer contains more mangas, including those I got from Japan, and my complete set of Slam Dunk.

Bottom layer holds my Dr Seuss collection, classic novels, etc etc etc

Lately I also got to chat with my cousin, and she told me her 10-year old son is an avid reader of fantasy books. It's so amazing how her little boy Shan can understand these kinds of books and how fast he can read them! I am just so proud of this kid.

So after much convo, we decided to exchange books! So I let her borrow some of my stuffs...

Lost by Gregory Maguire; Daniel X books 1-2 by James Patterson; The Thief Lord by Cornelia Funke;

Artemis Fowl books 1-3-4-5-6 and The Supernaturalist by Eoin Colfer

... and she also lets me borrow her son's books...

Percy Jackson series (complete set of 5 books) by Rick Riordan;

Fablehaven series (books 1-4) by Brandon Mull;

The Bartimaeus Trilogy by Jonathan Stroud; The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan

*jumps around in joy* 

Seeing so many books and seeing them in my shelf just makes me so so so so HAPPY!!!! ^_____________^

I wanna just curl up and read all of these!!!

A GIFT FROM THE HEART

One of our nurses told me that my patient last year, who was her neighbor, had prepared a Christmas gift for me. I was so surprised! I've never received anything from my patients (except for occasional words of gratitude and some food), but this was my first time to get something material. So I was just at a loss for words when I got this:

A PINK Pillow! ^____^

Even a lot more unexpected was this lovely note which came with the gift...

I immediately went teary-eyed and felt my heart throb when I saw this. Her gift may not be extraordinary and her message short, but somehow, I can just feel her sincerity and appreciation in this simple gesture. I honestly didn't know how to react. I cannot even recall her face, yet she remembered me. Our nurse said that  I apparently admitted, treated then discharged Mrs Murillo early from the hospital so she could go home and feed her pets, and that made her really happy and grateful to me. XD

Right now, I think I am even happier and more grateful to her. This is one of the best things that has happened in my life, and has made me extremely glad that I'm a doctor. ^________^

THE BIBLE IN ONE YEAR

I was blessed when the cashier at National Bookstore SM gave me this. She asked me what my faith was, and when I told her I was a Christian, she encouraged me to get more of these pamphlets to give to my friends. This is a one year Bible-reading guide. My boyfriend and I failed at reading the Bible last year, and as part of our "vow of discipline" for 2011, we aim to finish it this time around. We didn't know how to go about it, but thank God for this guide which He timely brought to my hands. Now we have no excuse not to finish the Bible this year! I'm so excited. :)

It was just supposed to be something we planned to do as a couple, but God impressed upon me that I need to share this little blessing I have, cos I know it can and will become something very big that will move the hearts of many. I didn't know how else to share this except to give copies of the pamphlet to my friends. But this morning when I woke up, I felt that somehow God whispered the words into my ears and told me to upload it in Facebook. I think it can reach more people that way. I hope and pray that it will.

So I posted this in Facebook, and I'm posting it here again in my blog with the hopes that more and more people will be able to see this, and like me, aim to read the entire Bible this year. I also pray that this will develop in us the attitude for daily devotions and improve our relationship with and knowledge of our Father. Let's start the new year right with God as our main focus, and let us always keep Him as Master and Keeper of our lives.

(12 large images up ahead so I'd better insert a jump break here)

SANTA CAME EARLY

Been quite busy the past few days cos my mother's sister (aka my aunt, aka Be-i) arrived from Cebu two days ago. Among my many maternal relatives, Be-i is perhaps the closest to our family, since she used to live with us when she was still single. She was also the one who taught me my ABCs and 123s during my early years. But nowadays, she's just too busy with her family and work in Cebu, so having her over for a visit is always a delight and a treat for us and for her cos we get to bond and she also gets some much needed rest.

Since my mom has work so I was tasked to take her around. Yesterday we went to the Office of the Civil Registrar to do some important paperworks, to the mall to buy some random stuffs and groceries, and then had dinner at Cafe Laguna to celebrate her birthday, as well as the birthday of my other aunt, Ah-e. Today we went to several chinese wholesale stores to buy random stuffs, including a maneki neko, then went to SM to meet Ah-e again and buy more random stuffs (groceries again!). From these two days, I was able to point out TWO traits which Be-i and I distinctly share.

1. We are both impulsive, and
2. We are both hoarders! XD

YESH! I think I've just met my match! (And I am NO match for her! T___T) When I bought books, she also bought more books + magazines + random stuffs (even though she hardly reads!). When I bought cutie notepads, she bought twice as many of them + more random stuffs (even though she prolly won't use them!). She just loves buying things which she labels are "gift items" and also things which she labels as "useful items". And one of the highlights of her visits here is shopping for groceries. It's like being given a pushcart where you can just put absolutely anything! I actually feel embarrassed when she buys so many stuffs for us, yet Be-i is the type of person who doesn't mind and whose generosity just simply overflows. It's like having Santa over so much earlier for Christmas. ^______^

Thank you Be-i, and (belated) Happy Birthday!