A Piffle Princess Story

LOSING MY MIND

I blame today's blog title on Ate Yeyen who just showed me a link of Lee Seung Gi's HOPE concert! I can't think straight right now because of His Adorable Highness shooting "love bullets" at me. ^_______^ *hearts*

But anyway, that's really not the point of this blog entry right now. I think perhaps I am still having an aftereffect of My Girlfriend is a Gumiho + Koukou Debut because I had a major major crazy realization tonight! And before I start to rationalize and become lazy and put these thoughts away, I think I should just lose my mind and write about this. And then maybe I can finally get some decent and "dreamless" sleep afterwards.

A few months ago, I learned that one of my high school classmates was getting married. Now while that may not really strike as something out of the ordinary (cos everyone seems to be getting married nowadays), but this one was somewhat perturbing for me. You see, he used to be someone close to me, what Miho the Gumiho would call as a be-pu, but some complicated things happened and we ended up just not talking anymore. I'm not even sure if we're friends. I am quite sure though that I once threw away and burned his things in anger, that I once cried for him until I vowed to never shed tears for him again, that I once forced amnesia on myself to forget him, and that I once hated him for almost three years until God convicted me and told me it's wrong to hate (and maybe I somewhat matured and realized how silly I was). But we never really became friends again. Which was weird. Cos we were only like 18 in our batch, and everyone is a very good friend to me. Everyone but him.

So hearing about him getting married felt kinda awkward, but surprisingly, I was genuinely happy for him (not that I would actually say that to him). But what also surprised me, and perplexed me, was that I started having weird dreams afterwards (like this one). I don't have any reason to think about him, so I also have no reason to dream about him. But I guess hearing that news somewhat jumbled up my subconsciousness, and he started appearing in my dreams. Not often, but just at some random occasions. But it would always make me very annoyed and confused when I wake up.

And then two weeks ago, my friends called me up and told me that we were meeting him and his wife for dinner. I initially didn't plan on going cos I had work and didn't really feel like going. But I was curious. I also didn't want to lie and run away because I had no reason to. But the thought of going really agitated me. Well to make the long story short, I took the bus home late that night and, although I missed dinner, I was able to join them for gelato at Missy Bon Bon. His wife is pretty and even though I hardly spoke to her (I don't think I spoke to her at all >__<), I immediately liked her cos she seems like such a nice and friendly person. We all went home an hour after I arrived. I felt kinda disappointed afterwards. I really didn't know what to expect and I also didn't expect to expect anything given that situation, but it wasn't really the get together that I expected.

Close friends often tell me that I'm dense and that I tend to have delayed reactions. And I guess these are one of those times. Tonight I traveled back home again by bus (but I'm going back to work again early morning tomorrow). I was listening to flumpool (super great band!) and sleeping, which is what I usually do while riding the bus so I don't get dizzy and nauseous. Then after about an hour inside the bus, I jerked and woke up. And maybe because of the similarity of my bus ride home two weeks ago, or perhaps that I was wearing the same jacket, but all at once these heap and jumble of old memories just came flooding into my mind, all of which were related to him! Everything just flashed before me -- how we became be-pu in 2nd year, how we stopped talking in 3rd year, how he patched things up and we started talking again in 4th year, how things went well in summer, and then went bad in college... Suddenly, I started to recall some stuffs which I thought I had already forgotten, and remembered various emotions which I thought I've already let go. And without warning, in that dimly lit bus, I started to cry silently.

As much as I want to stomp and crush and kick and set fire and bury and spit on those recollections of the past, I now realize that I just can't erase them. No matter how good or how terrible they were, they helped shaped me into who I am today. That major phase of my life made me the bitter or better person I am right now, and I believe what happened just had to happen because it was NECESSARY. I do not deny the fact that if not for him and what happened back then, I probably wouldn't have chosen to be a doctor right now. If not for him and what happened back then, I probably wouldn't have run into Japanese anime for comfort and distraction. If not for him and what happened back then, I probably would not have known how to love myself more and to establish my own identity before involving myself in a relationship. I would have gladly preferred not to have gone through all those affliction and misery to learn all of these lessons, but I guess this was what God gave me to deal with, and to struggle with, and to be transformed with into who I am now. Maybe I didn't see it before, but now I know and I believe that it was a NECESSARY kind of pain.

And as I really started to think about the situation and not just about myself, I began to realize that maybe I wasn't the only one who was in pain back then. Maybe he was too. I suddenly isolated myself and refused to talk to him, without bothering to explain what went wrong. Of course I must have caused him pain! I must have made him confused, and if he really did care, then I must have also made him miserable as well. Did I hurt his pride or provoked him to anger? Did he also agonize in despair or wallowed in bitterness? Did he hate me as well?

Does he still hate me now? x__X

(I really can't imagine being hated since I believe I'm quite a lovable person. And he's probably not the type to hate. I really don't know... Maybe he just didn't really care about what happened and I'm just thinking too much?)

But whatever his thoughts are, I guess now I somehow understand my own thoughts. What really agitated me for more than ten years, for the past few months, since last two weeks is probably the fact that I lost a friend. And not just any random acquaintance, but someone who was once like a brother, and a best friend to me. And I am partly to blame for this. And yes, I did have expectations and that's why I went to meet them two weeks ago. I was hoping that I could talk to him, and sincerely wish him happiness. But it wasn't the proper situation and the right time to bring up all these. After all of the long years and with the different directions of our lives, I don't know if we will ever have the chance to talk about what happened. I don't even know if he wants to talk about it, or if he just doesn't care at all. Maybe it won't be fixed anymore. Perhaps there is nothing left that can be fixed anymore.

I do not know if there will ever be an opportunity. But maybe someday I can find the courage to face him and ask him to forgive me.
And maybe by then, I hope, I can also find the courage to forgive myself.