Right now there is an open door in front of me. But one that I do not want to enter. I am afraid to go in, terrified of what’s inside, fearful of what may become of me in there. Because I have once seen a glimpse of the interior, and it was a frenzied mix of anxiety, loss, loneliness, exhaustion combined with some self-improvement, friendships, strength and confidence. It was something I liked at the same time something I do not like. Something I wanted yet something I despised. I was afraid of that door. I am afraid of that door.
Another thing that troubles me is that in order to cross that portal, I also need a lot of help, assistance from unwilling people who do not understand the raging pain within me and are blind to the cries of my heart. I need to approach them, yet I do not want to. I am afraid to. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of mockery. Afraid of shame. And afraid ... because seeking their support would mean I am crossing that door, and I am too frightened to even think about it.
I try to look around for another way out but all I see are closed doors. I am at a loss of what to do. I am confused and in pain.
I remember the lives of many great individuals from the past. Noah - who without any question, crossed that door with that great ark that he built. Abraham - determined and certain, he moved out of his country for that door to his future. Moses - who left the comforts of his palace and crossed that door. And Jonah - who tried to run away from that door and ended up inside the belly of a huge fish. These are men who walked in faith, with courage, and crossed the bridge to that door. I am so sure right now that they were also afraid once, that they were also mocked and scorned. Yet they overcame their fear with faith and with the assurance that what they were doing was right. That the door was right for them.
I would do the same too, if only I have the same conviction. If I only knew that I am truly meant for that door. But I do not feel peace within me. In The Alchemist, it was said that "everyone has a treasure that awaits him" and "if it’s meant for you, then the universe will conspire to make everything work out for you". Yet I do not feel that everything is going right. I do not know if it’s because of my fear and worry that is blocking me from believing that this door is for me, or if it’s because this fear and worry are actually sensible signs that are telling me that not all open doors are meant to be entered.
So now I am still standing here. In front of this door. I still do not know what to do.
I do not know what to do with my life.
Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust
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