WARNING: Super LOOO000000ooooooooooNG and emo and disorganized entry ahead. XD
I know... I know... After disappearing for quite some time, I'm back here again with one of my I'm-out-of-hibernation entries again. Hopefully the hiatus (aka lazy streak) has ended, and you'll see more of my silly writings here. But who wants to read silly writings anyway... XD
Yah. I know. It's kinda late. Better late than never, so they say. Well, these past few days, I've been busy with work and all, and trying to get on with my life. Plus my PC was busted and had to be reformatted TWICE (last December and last month!). Excuses... Excuses... Excuses... >__<
Looking back at the year 2008, so many things have happened in my life, and also in the lives of the people around me... I made a whole lot of mistakes, made some life-changing decisions, lost some weight but gained them back again... Hmmm... I guess I'll jot down here (in no particular order) some of the highlights and realizations I had for the year 2008...
[MY FAMILY] : 2008 was a year about family.
Since I'm now based in CDO, I'm back in our "sweeeeeeet home" and in the loving care of my parents. The only thing missing here is my sister, since she went to work in Cebu. But I am glad to be home. I am glad to be able to earn my own salary, and to help pay for the bills. I am glad that I have the time to stay home, and help my mom do the house chores. For most days last year, I was actually the official "labandera" (washerwoman XD) at home. It was sometimes tiring to do the laundry, but each time I would remind myself of the sacrifices my mom did for us when we were still students. And then all my complaints would just drain away and I'll do my chores with a cheerful heart.
I also took my dad to the hospital for a general check-up and made sure that his medications are well-supplied. Before he had poor compliance because we didn't have enough money, but now I make sure that his health gets the priority. He also went through a lot last year. He developed drug allergies, his blood pressure went up and his fasting blood sugar shot up to 400! But thank God that my dad was able to overcome his struggle against his chronic illnesses, and now he's extra careful with his diet and he never misses out on his meds (a good deal of thanks here goes to my sister's company, which hands out an allowance for meds which we used to buy my dad's expensive maintenance drugs).
It's nice to be able to finally do something for my parents and in some way, give back to them the unconditional love and support that they've shown us through the years.
[MY WORK] : 2008 was a year of remembering and a bit of regretting.
I did not look for it but it found me. Because of my friend Sungmi, I was able to work under a Christian missionary group based in Libona. Working in Hosanna Cham Clinic was a blessing for me because I felt that I was somehow able to help the communities of Gango, Kinawe and Kili-og. Plus the job was so benign and it paid relatively well. I was also able to make new friends and appreciate their lifestyle in such a far-flung area. And the jeepney rides were priceless experiences for me. The ten months I've spent as a community/school physician in Hosanna is the first step in my journey as a physician, hence making it memorable.
I wish I can always think of my work in Hosanna in a positive light, but the truth is I often feel a gnawing sense of "regret". Looking back, I wish I could have made good use of those times. Maybe I should have tried to find another work that could've helped me build my confidence as a physician. Maybe I should have read more books and studied so that I will always remember important principles. And I even think that maybe I should have watched more of my DVDs since I have so much time back then. Yet I feel that I have accomplished nothing to make myself a better physician or a better person. It just gives me great sadness now because I think I've spent a lot of those times just being idle, eating till I gained a whole lot more weight, and just complaining about a lot of unnecessary stuffs. I also didn't save any money or bought anything important for myself. I'm tempted to say that I'VE SIMPLY WASTED MY LIFE FOR 10 MONTHS working in Hosanna, yet I don't want to disregard the friendships I've made or the lives of the patients I've treated. And that's why I just have to accept that these are all part of my individual growth.
[MY CAREER] : 2008 was a year of decisions.
I also made a life-altering decision last year regarding the path of my career. Before I became a doctor, I was so sure that I'd go back to the Philippine General Hospital and take up residency in General Surgery. But I told myself to just rest for a year first, and look where it got me now: AIMLESS. Moonlighting made me even more lazy, and it doesn't help that I wasn't working in a hospital setting. And so when the time for submission of residency applications came, I was half-hearted and very unsure. I considered not applying, contented in my comfort zone, but well eventually, I still applied for residency ... in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology! Well, I love OB-GYN too but I don't have that same passion anymore. Actually I don't have much passion for ANY kind of hospital training anymore. I just felt so lost, and so unprepared.
But still I packed my bags, pooled my funds, and went through the two weeks of pre-residency
Well, anyway, to make the long story short, I was accepted but I didn't have an item yet. So it meant that my salary would be delayed (assuming that there would be a salary for me). But I chickened out and told them, "NO DEAL!". I wish I could say that I was indifferent when I refused the position, but the truth was that I was in absolute total agony for weeks. I was depressed, confused, angry, and felt all sorts of mixed emotions until I just gave in and disappointed everyone with my decision. Trust me, it was perhaps one of the most difficult and most painful choices I've made in my entire life, because first of all, it wasn't easy to get that slot. Out of the 56 who took the exam, they only accepted 16! And perhaps, an opportunity like that won't be given to me ever again. I really don't know. I was also financially broke too after my almost two-month long stay in Manila. I arrived home without a job (because I resigned from Hosanna already) and with only PhP 100 in my bank account. I couldn't even pay for my internet bill. And so I thought that going into residency (and without pay!) would mean that I'll have to depend on a relative again for my financial needs, and I do not like that. I don't want that kind of life anymore. I was fearful, and I listened to my fears. Maybe I didn't have enough faith that God will provide for me sufficiently, and that makes me shameful. But really, I think I've made the best choice. It might not be right in the eyes of many, but I have prayed about it, and I think it was the best way to go.
And honestly, I am so much happier now. I don't think I will feel this happy if I proceeded with the residency training half-heartedly. I believe that God will provide a path for me to trek again. And I hope by then, I will have the heart and the passion to accept His will for me.
[MY BOYFRIEND AND MY BEST FRIEND] : 2008 was a year for meetings, and for farewells.
Around the first trimester last year, my boyfriend came to visit me on my birthday, and to meet my parents for the first time. It was a bit of an awkward experience at first, but we were all relieved because everyone just became comfortable (and Cholo didn't get butchered by my dad. LOL), and my mom stopped giving me those lectures on "collecting and selecting more potential boyfriend materials". After their meeting, my parents somehow accepted the love I've chosen, and yes, it's indeed such a relief to have an openness and understanding within the family.
Also, by the end of last year, my best friend Catherine finally said the magic words (no, not abracadabra... XD) that sealed her in the lifetime bond called "marriage to Jason". ^o^ My friends and I felt as if we've lost an important piece of us as we saw Catherine play bride for real. Well, "losing" is actually not an appropriate word, since Cath is still reachable through texts and calls and emails. But it just won't be the same since she'll be living in Manila, and she'll be living with a husband! It's just not the same. I won't be able to spend lazy evenings at coffee shops anymore because I won't have anyone else to go with me and to just talk freely with. Oh, I miss Cath. But I'm sure Jason will make her so much happier, because he is God's special gift for her. Their wedding was so beautiful, because everyone saw God work beautifully in their lives, and we all just felt God's presence glorified and His approval and blessing on their marriage. But still I miss her...
I miss my boyfriend too.
So I guess 2008 was a year of missing as well.
[MY LIFE IN GENERAL] : 2008 was a year of realizations and growth.
For the most part of last year, I think the best word to sum up what I did to myself is IRRESPONSIBILITY. I've been irresponsible with my thoughts, with my actions, with my feelings, with most of what I am. I was not a good steward of my blessings, of my money and of my time. I did not grow spiritually, and did not try to cultivate my relationship with God. I was careless with my lifestyle, and pretty much had a disorganized life (coupled with a disorganized room and a disorganized hard disk). I allowed myself to deteriorate spiritually, mentally, and physically. I wanted the easy kind of life and didn't want to exert any discipline on myself. I pretty much accomplished nothing the past year. Irresponsible indeed. But let this not be a stumbling block, but instead let these realizations be a guide for my personal growth, that I may not commit the same mistakes twice, but learn from them, and become a better individual this 2009 and beyond.
I'm not the type to make "New Year's Resolutions" but for this year, I made up some "guidelines" to hopefully help me live my life victoriously. Let me just list down some of these random reminders...
12. For this year, I will moisturize daily.
11. For this year, I will keep my room clean and my things organized.
10. For this year, I will produce 2-3 new artworks per month.
09. For this year, I will blog as often as I possibly can.
08. For this year, I will read at least one chapter from a med book daily.
07. For this year, I will show some genuine concern for my health and wellness.
06. For this year, I will be a better steward of my financial blessings.
05. For this year, I will refrain from downloading/buying videos that I can't watch.
04. For this year, I will not waste time.
03. For this year, I will be extra patient.
02. For this year, I will be extra loving.
01. For this year, I will put God as #1 in EVERYTHING I do.
The keyword for me this year is DISCIPLINE, and hopefully I can apply that attribute into everything that I do and into every goal that I am trying to achieve. I am far from perfect, and I don't plan to be one. But what I want to be is to become a better individual, a more disciplined and Christ-filled person. And hopefully, I can be a little more of that this 2009.
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