MICROPHONE HERMIT

変わりたくて　変われなかった
kawaritakute   kawarenakatta...
このハートにサヨナラ
kono HATO ni SAYONARA

I just came back from going out with friends from work. We had a Family Day/Post-Halloween party at the hospital, after which most of the people decided to have some after-party fun. I wanted to be sociable, so I decided to tag along. We went to this new videoke place called Microphone Hero. It was a bit pricey, and the only room available was the biggest (and most expensive) one. But there were more than 15 of us, so I guess it was just the appropriate size.

Image from Microphone Hero FB Page

I thought the place was nice. There was a small stage for the singers, with two huge TVs where you can read the lyrics and see yourself reflected on the screen as well. On another side is another TV where you can play some dance games with the XBOX 360 Kinect. There are comfy couches on the sides. And the room has its own toilet too.

I rarely go out so I wanted it to be a fun night for me. I saw some of the people start dancing to the Kinect, and some of them started choosing and singing their songs. I wanted to sing but somehow, I couldn't choose a song. I haven't listened much to "normal" music since 10(?) years ago, so I'm not that confident in picking a song (I know, JUST PICK ONE, it really doesn't matter!). I was also kinda waiting for me to have my turn, but once again, I'm completely baffled on the "sharing" system when it comes to videoke sessions. I always notice that not everyone gets an opportunity to sing because a number of people tend to reserve several songs in succession and HOG the microphone. But maybe that's the way it is. If you're not aggressive enough, you just won't get your chance.

So I tried joining the people who were dancing because I thought it was exciting how the sensor on the console actually detects your movement. But the thing is: I CAN'T DANCE. I've always had poor motor coordination, and the movements on the screen doesn't make much sense to me so I couldn't exactly follow them. Plus, I don't think the console senses my presence. So eventually I gave up trying to mingle with that crowd too.

And so sitting on the couch, amidst so many people, I suddenly felt sad and lonely (plus I still haven't recovered from my exhausting duty yesterday). I wanted to kick myself for being such an unsociable person, for being so different. And when my eyes started to sting and I felt the threat of tears forming, I decided it was time for me to go. I actually don't have a curfew, and my mother always encourages me to go out with friends. But I thought I couldn't stay much longer as I was starting to feel suffocated. Besides, the crowd was getting rowdier and they was making me even more anxious.

So I went home. Gave some lousy excuse, left some money, said goodbye, grabbed a taxi. While sitting there in the backseat, I touched my eyes and they were wet with tears.

I am an oddball. 

I am such a weird, unsociable hermit. And lately, my ability to interact normally with people seems even more affected. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't even know where to focus my life. There's just too many wrong aspects in me right now.

Wanting to change, Unable to change...
Goodbye to this heart."
~ Sirius e no Chikai ~

COFFEE and STICKERS

Yesterday night I had the golden opportunity to meet up with two of my closest friends from high school to have some late coffee. Since we haven't seen each other for quite some time, we got around to talking about various things - family, work, friends, God, and eventually got into some personal stuffs. It got to a point when one of them said, "This one person made me feel jealous, but the Bible says 'Love is not jealous'. I realized this: that she brought out the best in me. But she also brought out the worst in me." For some reason, those lines struck me hard and deep. When I got home, that thought haunted me even long after I've fallen asleep.

Now, I'm really lazy and have better things to do so I won't launch into a full page essay on matters which are too deep for words. Instead, I'll just post this photo I took a few months back... 

For most people this would just seem like a random car sticker. For the not-so-trained eye, they'll probably recognize this as the Chinese character, Ai, for "Love". The beauty of Chinese characters is that they are complex yet meaningful. In the center of Ai is actually another character, Xin, for "Heart", perhaps indicating that the heart is central in love. The person who stuck this decal on his taxi is obviously not Chinese (and perhaps an idiot), because he flipped the middle part, making the entire character erroneous.

When the HEART isn't right, the LOVE is all wrong.

CHANGES

"Che-che-che-changes saa, kawatteku / Sayonara, furui jibun..."

I'm back! And yes, still very much alive, thankyouverymuch.

After thinking things over, I guess I'll keep this blog for now. I'm just too overly sentimental to let it go, after having it as part of my life for like 10 years now. Though I think a few changes is deemed necessary. First of all, I really need to replace the blog banner since it's been up there since, like, 2011? I would like to change the lay-out too. But even with the more user-friendly lay-out system of blogger, I know I will just mess up, so I won't bother. Besides, I think I like to keep my blog as black and white forever. It seems easier to read and I don't have to think about matching colors. 

So I've scheduled this comeback blog post for November 1, 2013 because I think I'll choose to be "reborn" today (Oh Yah! On All Saint's Day!). I probably need to make a lengthy explanation, but I won't, because one thing I'm changing is that I will no longer (or at least I will TRY not to) write very long, emo, detailed entries in my blog. I just don't think it's healthy for me, or for any one out there who cares enough to read. Besides, if I make shorter, more spontaneous writings, then perhaps, I can blog more often. PERHAPS. (I promise I'll TRY not to be lazy again!)

Another thing I'm definitely changing is my physical self. I know I've said this too many times before and it just doesn't sound sincere anymore, but I seriously want to LOSE WEIGHT. Like, SRSLY. It's more of a need, really, as I'm starting to feel that I'm not getting any younger. My knees are now complaining because I simply am too heavy for my own good, and having Plantar Fasciitis makes walking so painful. Plus I feel like I'm being suffocated by my own skin. I don't know where this feeling came from, but suddenly, I don't want that extra slice of cake anymore. Suddenly, I don't want to be fat anymore. Suddenly, I don't want to be me anymore. But I don't want this to just be empty wishful thinking. I want to make this a reality, to prove to myself that I can. Yesterday I actually went to a wellness center and then to a nearby gym to inquire about their programs. But the center was closed for the holidays and the gym near our place has been closed since, like, 2012 (WTF I didn't know) so I will have to go back on another day to find me another gym where I shall defeat the Gym Leader and then collect his badge.

This year has been filled with so many changes I just can't seem to cope with them yet. From my father's illness, to the end of a relationship, to the start of new experiences, I feel like my life has been turned upside down (and it's still spinning nonstop). I think I've been depressed too many times over the past few months, it's no longer healthy. If not for my work, which exhausts the life of me, I think I'm slowly turning myself into a shut-in. But as much as the hikikomori life entices me, I won't give in to it. I want to be a better me. I still want to do so many things but I always don't seem to have the time, or I'm always too tired, or I feel like I'm just not good enough. I seem to be juggling so many things in my life all the time, but I'm not effectively accomplishing anything. I don't know if I'm not trying hard enough or I'm really just wasting time and I just need to give up everything and just focus on one thing. I don't know. I seem so tired all the time. And it's not even a physical kind of exhaustion. I am just ... really tired. But I will change. My life don't make much sense now, but I know someday I will become a better person and understand the reason for all of these. Even my younger self believed in that, on the very first day when this blog was conceived.

I know I've also said this so many times as well, but I would really like to prioritize my Walk with God above all else. I know in my mind what I must do. I know, yet I do not do. I tend to let so many things distract me. But I need to grow spiritually. Day by day, I need to pursue intimacy with my God. I want to have an abundant and victorious life, as how a child of God should live. And I know it starts with making changes in my life. 

So much for not writing long emo posts. Sorry for rambling. I'll just end this post with Base Ball Bear's PV called Changes...

"Changes, come now, I am changing / Goodbye to my old self..."

ME AND MY BLOG.

Me and My Blog.

We have a love-hate relationship.

After ditching it for the past 10 months,

I don't know if I should just pick up the pieces,

Or just let it be.

I wonder if I should hold on to it,

Or just let it go.

I'm not sure if I still want it,

But,

I'm too lazy to move out.

UNPLANNED EXERCISE

A few minutes past 7 this evening, I rushed to go to my suki internet cafe so I can have my most recent drawing scanned. Since it was just two blocks away from my house, I didn't bother taking my wallet or watch. I just took my drawing, twenty petots and my flash disk with me. However, when the cafe owner saw me, he gave me an apologetic grin, and informed me that their scanner/printer is busted. So I left the place and thought I'd walk around the area, and see if I can find another internet cafe. I was pretty confident that I could find one nearby.

So I started to walk... and walk... and walk... but still no computer shop. I kept walking... and walking... looking around, but I still didn't find what I was looking for. So I continued to walk... and walk... and... I REACHED DIVISORIA WTF!!?!

Lemme explain a bit... I live in a residential area and although Divisoria, which is like the heart of the city, is easily accesible by transportation, but it takes a while to walk to. But I braved the traffic and the tambays on the roadside so I can get to any internet cafe. I immediately went into the first shop I found to ask if they have a scanner, and the attendant said YES, so I handed him my drawing. Then I asked him how much it costs, and do you know what he said!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID!?!?!

"Twenty petots..."

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!! щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

Since I was already too tired to think, I just told him to have it scanned already, then gave all my money (coins!!!) to him. After scanning and saving my artwork, I had no choice but to walk back again!

Panting and drenched in my own sweat and dust, I started walking back. I began to recall my college days when I used to take the main road and walk home from school. My classmates who have cars would sometimes pass me by and offer me a ride, which I'd politely decline. They probably thought I was dirt broke hence I couldn't afford a public transportation. Though indeed, back then, I barely had enough money. In fact, there have been instances when I did walk back home cos I didn't have any money left. 

Those were the good ol days... yet why did I find myself in a similar predicament as then!?! (✖╭╮✖)

And what is this artwork that I really needed to scan tonight!?! 

BEJEWELED PHILOSOPHY

Recently, I have been wasting most of my time by playing this Facebook app called Bejeweled Blitz. Now I know I swore off playing Facebook games some time ago, and I do feel bad about turning back on my word. It's no excuse, really, but I guess lately I have been quite stressed by several things in my life. I just want to do something mindless and I thought that since this is just a one-minute game, it's not gonna take up too much of my time.

Boy, was I so wrong! Each round is indeed a minute long but it's so addicting, and I'd feel very competitive, so I ended up playing for more than 12 hours straight during my second try! (ﾉ￣д￣)ﾉ And I've been playing for more than a week now. I play until 3 or 4 in the morning until my eyes are all blurry, my right hand all numb, and my wrist so sore I can hardly move it. ヘ(>_<ヘ)

Well, I've always been a fan of the Bejeweled franchise, and Bejeweled Blitz is basically similar to them except that there's a time limit of one minute. And in that single minute, you need to score as much as you can by matching at least three gems and multipliers of the same color. When you make successive and fast matches, you can get speed bonuses and even reach a mode called Blazing Speed (which is my favorite! ^u^) which will give you more points. There are also a number of power-ups to choose from that will also help you score better, but these will cost you coins, and that's something I often do not have. So what I do is I keep playing and playing and when I save up enough coins, I splurge on booze boosts to try to beat my own score. Most of the time I fail so it's back to square one again. And it doesn't help that my friends' scores are posted on the right side. Some of them can actually score millions! ━Σ(ﾟДﾟ|||)━

So tonight I was playing as usual, then I suddenly had an insight on how the game is similar to my life. Several times when I swap gems, I'd realize a split-second too late that I could have made a flame gem or a hypercube instead. Or sometimes when I choose to match one set instead of another, I'd end up with a whole board of gems that can no longer be connected. And during such moments, I'd instantly regret the previous move that I just did, since I'd end up with results that I don't like.

Similarly in my life, I think I've also made my share of crazy and impulsive decisions. And looking back, some of them could have been wrong choices. Though it has always been my principle never to sulk or cry over spilled milk but to always learn from my mistakes, but I am learning that my actions have consequences. And these effects may not always be immediate. Especially for someone as dense as me, I may only realize the impact of the outcome when it's already far too late. And like Bejeweled Blitz, I'd end up with a whole board of useless gems.

Take for instance my career and where it is headed for nowhere right now. Thinking back, I should have gone into residency training immediately after passing the board exams. Or I could have taken up that slot when I was accepted in this prestigious hospital. I would have been finished by now. But during those times, I chose to match 3 gems instead of making star gems. I ignored the multipliers and focused on other colors. And now that the time has finally started ticking, I realize that I do not know how to move anymore. Like right now, most of my classmates have already chosen their paths in life. Those who are several batches younger than me have submitted their application forms and already got their schedules for pre-residency. I'm still... playing Bejeweled Blitz. (╯︵╰,)

This is not just about my work but basically about every aspect of my life. It's like I'm exhausted for no particular reason. I've lost my sense of direction. I have no motivation. I have no vision. The future eludes me (or is it the other way around?). I'm not saying that I regret whatever I did in the past. On the contrary, I know I had my reasons, and perhaps, I found them to be valid and wise back then. Right now, I do not wish to dwell on such things anymore for they can no longer be changed. I can no longer turn back the time and cannot undo what has been done. I must accept the pitiful score I have. I must put up with the fact that I have no more coins and power-ups to save me. I must acknowledge that others have already surpassed me in so many ways.

But just like the game, I know it doesn't end there because I can always restart and play again. I may not have much right now but I can try and try again until I have more. I can practice until I improve. I can defeat my old self and catch up to the others. I can make better choices. I must make wiser decisions. I can move on. I must move forward.


And, ironically, it all starts by ending my long nights of playing Bejeweled Blitz. (─‿‿─)

OTAKU DOCTOR FTW.

My sister, her boyfriend and my boyfriend came here for a 4-day visit, which I'll write about next time. They left early yesterday morning, draining me of all my monies and all my energy. I got to sleep at 330am already cos I had to finish burning some videos and prepared some stuffs for them to take back to Manila. Then they woke me up around 430am so that I could bid them goodbye. I snoozed a bit but by 6am, I was forced to get up cos I had to prepare for my 24-hour duty already!

So needless to say, I was all groggy at work yesterday. I'm always tired, but it's been a while since I've been THIS tired. Like, on several occasions, I'd drowsed off while talking to a patient. And during the wee hours of this morning, it took the nurse several trips to my room to wake me up to see an ER patient. I swear, yesterday's work was all a blur to me. Thank God though that there were just a few patients and no emergency cases. And I'm just so grateful and relieved that I didn't make any mistakes!

I unintentionally made funny orders in the chart though (which of course I had to erase)...

"Please give Hunter x Hunter."

OTAKU DOCTOR WTF. (/ω＼)

I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND

When they told me that Vic Zhou was coming over to our church, I thought it was the craziest joke ever made...

... until they introduced me to him. O____O

I swear, I almost died on the spot. They told me he was here in the Philippines to promote his upcoming movie, his first break into Hollywood, where he portrays the role of comic book superhero The Flash. [THINK VIC ZHOU IN FRIGGIN' RED TIGHTS! *nosebleeds*] But since it was a Sunday, he had the day off and he was invited by our senior pastor to our service. His identity and presence were being kept a secret from the public though. And since none of the church members were interested on babysitting him, and so they said they'll just leave him in my capable hands.

WHHHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT!!!????

I shot a quick look at him: He was lying on the couch, staring at me, eyes sparkling and with a mischievous smile. Clearly, he was FLIRTING WITH ME! XD I was flabbergasted but I tried to maintain my composure. Beside me, another guy who we will forever know as he-who-must-never-be-named-here was pestering me and professing his undying love for me while trying to wrap me in his huge arms. I pushed him off forcefully and told him to go away cos I was no longer interested in him and that I already have someone else in my heart. Then I slowly approached Vic.

I don't know how it happened but we just ... connected. Even though it was the first time we've met in person, but I felt as if I was being reunited with an old friend. We bantered and laughed and spoke about various stuffs, and he was just so easy and comfortable to talk with. I couldn't even recall if we spoke in Mandarin or in English - I didn't really care - cos we just understood each other. And it just felt right being with him.

He suddenly stood up, covered his face with his jacket's hood, then flashed me a boyish grin. I felt my heart skip a beat as I realized what he planning to do. He then took my hand in his (it felt so warm and soft ♥), and then we ran. We dashed down the church halls, we sprinted out the door and felt the gush of wind in our faces, and we just ran and ran and ran as if we were crazy. Then we stopped to catch our breaths, and then we laughed like mad at what we just did. And all this time, he was holding my hand. And it didn't seem like he was letting go. >_<

We went inside a mall and it was teeming with lots of people. I felt his tense grip as he nervously glanced around. His handsome face was well hidden under his hood, but somehow he still stood out. I gently nudged him and gave him what I thought was my "reassuring smile". I was generously rewarded as he beamed with delight at me. And then we slowly walked down the stairs. He was still holding my hand.

We met the wife of one of our pastors in the stairway, and I felt obliged to introduce Vic to her as he was a church guest after all. She recognized him, and told me that our senior pastor already told her about him. And then she went her way, and we proceeded to go down the next floor.

There was a huge crowd of people gathered around the mall's atrium, and some more curious spectators were also rushing towards the excitement. I tried to see what all the hustle-bustle was but I couldn't see a thing. Vic wanted to enter this elevated area which had a good view of the atrium, but there were guards watching that place. Then I heard a familar voice sing in Cantonese...

"It's Andy Lau...," says Vic, holding my hand tightly.

"Yes I know! But I can't see..." I tried standing on tiptoes but all I could visualize were more people. "And I don't understand Cantonese..."

"Leng, it's almost 8... and you need to do a lot of things today..."

"HUH!?" I turned to look at Vic... but my vision was getting blurry...

"Leng, hurry up... WAKE UP!!!"

"HUH!?" I blinked a few times, then opened my eyes...

... and saw my mother. In my room. No Vic holding my hand...

Arghhhhhh!!!!  It was another fsck*ng dream! @#$%^$Kl@*&#$T%#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I always seem to have weird dreams, but this one definitely goes down the annals of my "celebrity specials" along with prior fantasies about Jerry Yan and Kimura Takuya. XD And while writing this entry, I remember one of Vic's old series, Poor Prince Taro, which, if I'm not mistaken was his project after Meteor Garden. The opening song was a rendition of "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" by Dragon5.

The above video is a clip of their outtakes, but just go check out the opening song which is a fitting theme song to my dream. Hehe~ Gosh, this series was like almost ten years ago!!! Look at how "totoy" Vic still  looked like back then! But he's already really quite adorable though. ^o^

Well if it's any consolation for me (and for you) who will never get to hold Vic's hand in real life...

... let's just let him sing for us... ^_________^

RANDOM-NESS!

I just got back from Malaybalay City. I have just ONE DAY to do a bunch of stuffs before I leave for Camiguin again on Wednesday. I need to do the following tomorrow (in no particular order):
- watch Clash of the Titans
- drop by PRC to get my license (note to self: MUST WEAR SHOES!)
- go to the bank, pay bills
- visit the dressmaker and have new smock gowns made
- blog, internet
- pack bags/prepare for work
- etc...

I hope I'll be able to accomplish all of these tomorrow. I tend to slack off and waste time, but unfortunately, time is not a leisure I can enjoy. Somehow, time passes so fast when I'm engrossed with work. I do enjoy earning my money, but I often wish I had more time to do things for myself, like blog and watch my DVDs and read my books, and more time to spend with my parents. Seems like I never get anything done lately. Reading Chi's blog entry about her allotting time for reading books and watching DVDs inspires me to do the same, although with my schedule, I just don't know how to do it. I actually have work scheduled until the end of May(!) already, though hopefully I might get a few days off and go to Manila(?)... Nyehehe, I'm not so sure yet.



Recently watched a bunch of Hollywood movies which I borrowed from Mam Cha, and also finished some animes. Currently I'm watching two Taiwanese dramas, THE ROSE and SUMMER x SUMMER. both are actually manga-based, and both coincidentally stars Joe Cheng. I like him and all but just can't bear to watch him play other roles besides Jiang Zhi Shu in It Started With A Kiss. Both series are actually quite OK, though I'm still on episode 8 of The Rose, and episode 3 of Summer x Summer. Well, more about these dramas next time.

I am currently quite stressed because I gave away my copy of Hakushaku to Yosei (Earl and Fairy) but realized that I don't have my own copy. Then I threw out my anime copy of Yamato Nadeshiko Shichihenge (Perfect Girl Evolution aka The Wallflower) cos I thought it was damaged, only to realize that I don't know where to get another copy and cannot find a site to download it from. I haven't watch both animes and I want these so badly for my collection and so I feel pretty distressed. Right now I cannot think straight because of these concerns. Or maybe I'm just too sleepy already.

To end this pointless entry, here's a really nice PV by supercell (recommended by Yume). It's the ending theme for Bakemonogatari, another great anime which I still have to procure.



And now I will sleep.

GOODBYE, YESTERDAY

I just realized that once you have already flipped through the pages of life, you can never turn back again. A chapter that has ended will forever remain closed for good.

There are people who come into your life and find an important place in your heart. Perhaps they're meant to fulfill a purpose. But then before you even know it, they are gone and they lose their meaning. They move on without you. And you know that every second the world turns, it will not wait for you. You also need to move on without them.

Who knows if your paths will cross again? Perhaps they never will. Deep down you probably still have words left unsaid, things left undone, maybe promises you have yet to keep. But right now, none of those really matter anymore. That part of them in you has already gone, and that part of you in them has already died as well. All that's left is this vague sense of unease, this strange heaviness within, this hazy memory of the past. There is nothing else to look back to, and nothing ahead to look forward for.

I really wished your life without me was miserable. But it's not. You ARE happy. And you know what?
I am glad...

Sayonara, Yesterday.





Wasurekaketeta yuuki Torimodoshi ni yukou
Doa no mukou de matte iru Atarashii boku ni deau tame

I’ll go recover the courage that I’d started to forget
For the sake of meeting the new me who is waiting on the other side of the door.

CLOSURE

I had another weird dream last night.

It started with me and my sister rushing through the airport to catch a flight to Netherlands. My sister didn't want to go with me but I insisted that she come. I was determined to do one thing and one thing only: and that is to confront my ex-boyfriend's fiancee.

We arrived in Netherlands and we immediately took a cab to the girl's house. She was surprised to see me, but she knew who I was. We talked. I don't know what we talked about but it took a while. My sister waited outside while we had our conversation.

Then the girl took us to my ex-boyfriend's place, which was a condo unit in a stylish building. I felt nervous when she rang the doorbell. When he opened the door, he was also surprised to see me. Perhaps I was the least person he wanted to see. The three of us had a heart-to-heart discussion. And then before I left, I wished the very best for them.

My sister and I took the cab back to the airport to take the last flight back home. As I looked at the buildings whizzing past, I thought Netherlands was a beautiful place. But I don't think I will ever go back there again.

With that, I took the plane home with peace in my heart.


--------------------------------------------------


I don't really want to comment on this dream because I really don't know what to say. Except maybe that I never had an ex-boyfriend in real life, and that I don't know anyone who lives in Netherlands. But perhaps subconsciously, this is what I'm longing for.

ENCHANTING FANTASY

I was dirt broke and yet was the diligent breadwinner for my retired father, my working mom, and my younger sister who was still in college. Life was hard but we were happy. We were together as a family after all, and that's what matters the most. We just moved into a small, run-down apartment in the middle of nowhere, and we didn't even know how to get there from work. Sometimes we would experiment on riding the public jeepneys and buses. But often times we would walk home just to scrimp on the money.

And that's when I met him again. While on the way home from work. Actually, he was the one who found me. Or maybe he has been looking for me all along.

At first glance you know he's Jerry Yan, but he was also much more than that. He was also Dao Ming Se, the super-rich, extra-handsome, ultimate-bachelor in town. He also happened to be my ex-boyfriend whom I haven't seen for a long time. I didn't want to see him again, especially not in my sorry state. But he found me. And he was determined not to lose me again.

No matter how I protested and resisted and pushed him away, he still came everyday. He goes to see me at work, and walks me home every night. He gave me presents, and even brought us our basic necessities like food. He spends time with my family, and makes them smile and laugh, something they haven't done for a while. Then he would look at me with his hopeful eyes and boyish grin, and I would turn away. I know that he loves me, and only wants to get back together with me. I also know deep down in my heart I love him but I cannot do so. His parents were against me in the first place, and I didn't want to depend on him to sustain my family. No matter how poor I was, I had too much pride, and it was the one thing people cannot take away from me.

But days went by and I was falling more and more for him. I knew that if I spent more time with him and see how happy my family was with him, I would weaken and succumb to my feelings. I am a woman after all, and one who is not without emotions. Seeing the most wonderful man on earth chase me around is not only flattering, but much more than that, I know he was sincere and truly cares for me. I know I could not bear to hurt him again by leaving him. I also know that I didn't have the courage to live without him. I love him. I already love him too much. But I had no choice but to leave him. I had to go now.

So I ran away. Ran away as far as I could. And on that cold night, while I was standing in the abandoned harbor all alone, I wept. I shed tears of pain and suffering, and cried on how life has been so unfair and bitter to me. A freezing gust of wind touched my tear-stained cheeks, and I realized with much sadness that it was actually my birthday. And I was all alone in that dark, damp harbor.

And then... Fireworks! Lots of them. Multitudes of bright lights blazed the pitch-black sky and rained down a shower of colorful sparkles. I gazed up in astonishment. And then all around me, the yachts in the harbor roared to life, their lights gleaming and glittering, flashing on me as if to spotlight me. I shielded my eyes and blinked in surprise as I saw the world's elite, one by one, coming towards me. They were led by Lee Min Ho, Kim Bum and all the other casts of Boys Over Flowers, who held cakes in their hands. Each of them greeted me a "Happy Birthday", and some of them even kissed me on the cheek. I was conscious of how dirty I was amidst all these pretty people. Yet somehow, I felt the warmth in their presence.

Then suddenly, the crowd slowly parted. And then I saw Jerry hurriedly rush towards me. His expression was one of worry, then flushed down by relief, as he took me in his arms and cradled me and said happy birthday and told me how silly I was for running away. He was all over the city looking for me, but he also sent out all his friends to find me, and when he learned where I was, he came running over. I looked at him, and saw that he was drenched with sweat, yet, he was magnificently glowing, as beautiful as a greek god.

My Jerry. My Love. I then felt all walls break loose, all pride strip off, all emotions rush in, and I acknowledged my defeat. I love him! I've always loved him! And there was no point in denying it or pushing it away. I smiled radiantly at him, the man I love, and he took me in his arms again, and softly whispered how much he loves me and treasures me.

Someone then cleared his throat and tapped Jerry in the back. We broke from our embrace, embarrassed, as we realized that hundreds of eyes were actually upon us on our fateful reunion. The guys from Boys Over Flowers were giving Jerry congratulatory pats and high-fives, and he thanked them for their help in finding me. Lee Min Ho, the leader of the search, told him that he could always count on them any time, and that he was only glad to be of service to Jerry, whom he acknowledged was the original, and only worthy Dao Ming Se there is.

The next day, I was still overwhelmed with my feelings of bliss. But I know this could not last forever. Fear slowly crept into me as Jerry told me that he was taking me to meet his family and their board of directors. Apparently, my mother is the daughter of and heiress to one of the directors, but she was disowned when she ran off with my father. Jerry told me that he has already talked to his family, and they have decided to hold an election if they will accept me into the family or not. I glanced at him nervously, and he gripped my hand gently and comfortingly, saying it was OK. I took a deep breath and with firm resolve went with him to face the people who has repeatedly tried to tear me away from the man who has always loved me.

We entered a Japanese-styled room, and the board of directors, all with grim faces, were already seated there. In the center was the head of the Doumyouji Clan, Jerry's grandfather, who regarded me with scrutiny. I turned my eyes downward and bit my lip. Then the assembly started, and after the introductions made, one by one, the members of the elite casted their votes to decide my fate. Jerry was the first to make a vote, and then of course he stood by my side. Lee Min Ho came up next, and as he was a loyal follower of Jerry, he also took our side. The next person to take the stage was Kim Joon, who stated that he has always thought Lee Min Ho was a better Doumyouji than Jerry, and he took the other side. Sam Milby came up next, and he also took the other side. One by one, each of them came up to the front and chose which side they were on. Then finally it was Jerry's grandfather's turn, and he slowly stood up, walked to the front and then I...


...woke up. ^^;


Of all the things to happen, I woke up and realized that IT WAS JUST A REALLY GOOD DREAM!!! And the next thing I realized was that my pillow was WET -- WITH DROOL!!! That's what happens when I really have a good sleep. I disgruntledly reached out for my cellphone to see the time and was splashed with another wave of realization: I WAS LATE FOR WORK!!! I hurriedly jumped off my bed to start my grueling day of work. But at some instances today, I actually found myself smiling silly over my enchanting fantasy.


--------------------------------------------------

I had a lot of fun writing this story, and thank Thesaurus.com for all the glitzy words. I'm not exactly your most gifted writer, but I hope I did not make a lot of grammatical errors and didn't sound too cheesy. Tell me what you think of my writing though, as it may help me improve my style more and also in maintaining this blog.

On a side note, I've always had a bunch of weird dreams. Some of them are pretty crazy and are good for laughs, and some of them are too insignificant to actually be remembered. Some of them are great ideas, which I sometimes use for my drawings and stories, and on rare occasions, I get these really "feel good" dreams which make me feel warm and fuzzy deep down. Jerry Yan is one of my all-time favorite celebrity crushes, as his portrayal of Dao Ming Se in 2001's Meteor Garden sent my bishie-fandom sky-rocketing to cloud nine. Although I'm not as hyped over him as before, I've always still liked him. I didn't expect him to show up as (ultra-mega-super-good looking!!!) lead character in my dream though, since it's been a while since I've seen him perform. I also didn't expect the cast of Boys Over Flowers to be there, since I haven't seen that korean drama yet. I was definitely shocked to see Sam Milby in my dream, because I NEVER liked him! So that was really weird. =o=

I don't know why I had that dream, but it made me feel really really good. Now I'm listening to Jerry's second album, FREEDOM, and loving him ("my ex-boyfriend" *winks*) all over again...

我 會 很 愛 妳 , Jerry.

NEW LOOK. SAME OLD ME.
ephemerality: a piffle princess story version 8.0

I finally decided to take the time to change my blog lay-out. I've been meaning to do this for quite some time but has always been procrastinating. I can't understand HTML at all so changing the lay-out has always been a painful task which pretty much involved a lot of guesswork. But this time I merely conformed to blogger's custom templates, took a nice pic and edited in text using MS Paint (I still don't know how to use Photoshop, fufufufu...T__T), and with a little bit of tweaking ended up with this.

TA-DAH!!! >___< I must admit, it's really nothing to be proud of, or worth complimenting. But you can be proud of one thing: that I've finally returned to my blog after bumming around for 6 months, and you can compliment for another: because I am simply the most beautiful creature on earth... Or perhaps the most senseless. XD So anyway, back to the lay-out... The banner features Kuronuma Sawako and Kazehaya "Love of My Life" Shota from the recently ended anime, Kimi ni Todoke (Reaching You). It's been a while since I've been fixated over an anime series, and KimiTodo simply knocked me silly and giddy with all the Kuronuma x Kazehaya Love *hearts* so I just simply had to feature them! I got this image from the first volume of the manga.

As for the title... I was searching for a word that would connote something that's only impermanent and fleeting, since I don't really intend to stick with this lay-out for so long (well, it really depends on my procrastination powers, so I don't want to raise your hopes up yet...). Found the word "EPHEMERAL" in Thesaurus.com and supposed that I liked the sound of it. I initially planned to combine it with other words and ended up with titles like, "Ephemeral Phase" and "Road to Ephemerality" but none of them sounded quite right. Eventually I decided to keep it short and simple, and so I just went with the word, Ephemerality.

This is apparently the 8th lay-out since the birth of this blog in 2003, but I honestly don't quite remember anymore. During the long hiatus, I actually did consider closing down this blog and maybe start anew somewhere else, or perhaps just simply stop blogging altogether. But every time I think about leaving this, it pains me. I may not have the best blog and may not make the most frequent updates, but I have somehow painstakingly maintained this site for SEVEN years, and I think that really speaks a lot. This blog and I... we've been through a lot, especially during the first few years when I was still spending long hours in internet cafes to maintain this site. I recorded a lot of my memories here, rambled about anything-under-the-sun, and most importantly, met a lot of new friends through my blog. I primarily created this blog as an outlet to channel and as a buffer to support my overflowing thoughts and emotions, but now, deep down in my heart, I somehow quite believe that there are also people who actually care enough to read this, and who enjoy what I write, and maybe were, in some way or another, touched by my thoughts. This gives me great pleasure and I am overwhelmed and simply filled with appreciation and gratitude for all these years of support. Thank you very much.

And as I close this entry, I just want to say that IT WAS NOT MY INTENTION TO MAKE THIS ACADEMY AWARD-LIKE SPEECH, LOLz! But what the heck, I have successfully ended up making my comeback entry extra-cheesy and emo, and I'm too lazy and sleepy to fix all that so we'll just leave it that way.

Bye for now!!! (^o^)/

SOME RANDOM PIFFLE BLOG ENTRY


So, Mam Cha and I went out today after work. We brisk-walked around the capitol grounds for around 30 minutes then went to Café Royale to eat. XD She ordered a Royale Burger, and I had Fetuccini Carbonara. The place is OK, and the food is so-so. I might eat there again in the future.

So after dinner and after Mam Cha bought dog food for her pet Bluto, we went to Mercury Drugstore to buy some groceries. I bought some food stuffs and the usual box of coffee, while Mam Cha bought shampoo and stuffs. We parted ways after that. I walked for a while, burning with the desire to buy potato chips and pistachio nuts and ice cream and Jollibee etc etc etc, but I figured that I really don’t need those junk in my body. I bought bread instead (for breakfast tomorrow). I felt a bit better that I didn’t indulge in my temptations.

BUT! I did drop by the DVD stalls near the plaza! *kitsune-ears!* I haven’t bought DVDs lately because I’ve been trying to scrimp money, at the same time avoiding the urge to hoard unnecessarily. *coughs* Well, when I visited this one stall, they were selling several interesting anime titles which I still don’t have: Love Get Chu, Tiny Snow Sugar Fairy, Mushi-Uta, Phantom Requiem, Needless, Canaan, Munto, Maria Holic, Moetan, plus so many other titles I can’t possibly remember! I was about to get Phantom Requiem and Mushi-Uta, but when I tried the discs, Phantom Requiem only had 6 episodes (not sure if this is complete), and Mushi-Uta erroneously contained Kaze no Stigma episodes (and I’ve already seen this. It’s kewl, btw! ^o^) Embarrassed to leave the place without having bought anything, I decided to get a copy of Natsu no Arashi. I had planned to download this before, but maybe I’ll try to watch the pirated version first before deciding if it’s worth the effort and time to download. It looks promising though.

Then I went back to the hospital. I’m supposed to clean my room then get some badly needed sleep through the night, but I got distracted and I’m now copying animes, watching a bit of this and that, while trying to finish writing this random blog entry. I watched Lovely Complex Live Action (Teppei LoVe!<3<3<3), a bit of Lucky Star, and some parts of Suzumiya Haruhi no Gekisou. Aya Hirano - MOE! ^___^ I haven’t exactly finished watching Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu though and I heard there’s already another new season. Can’t.Catch.Up.Must.Catch.Up.!

I’m currently watching Princess Princess... I’m still not done with it. Hopefully I’ll finish it this week. Then I might start watching Suoh’s animes so that I can return all of them to him when I get to Manila...
Ai Yori Aoshi Enishi
Bakuretsu Tenshi
Genshiken 2
Goshuushou-sama Ninomiya-kun
Kamichu!
Lucky Star
Minami-ke
Myself, Yourself
Noir
Rahxephon
Sayonara, Zetsubou-sensei
SuzukaI actually borrowed these maybe 2 years ago? Hehehe I don’t think I can finish watching all of these though in just a few days’ time, so maybe I’ll just save them temporarily in the PC. I have no more disk space (again!) so I need to start burning them into DVDs.

Perhaps I need an external hard disk? Maybe, one terabyte? T_____T



ABSOLUTE TEPPEI YUMMY-NESS!!!<3<3<3

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

Oh my goodness!



THE JOHNSU actually replied to my comment on his deviation, Wasil.

* overjoyed *

* faints *

EARLY MORNING WEIRDNESS


I had another weird dream today which involves the end of the world, the rise of communism in our country, fabricating chinese birth certificates to prevent capture by government, riding motorelas to travel from one mountain to another, and Vhong Navarro and Pokwang in a romantic movie where they dress up as green elves.

O__o;;




My mom woke me up (awww... just when the dream was getting cheesier XD) because Dr Castro called up and he needed a prescription pad. Since my mom was running late, she told me to hurry up. I know I still have a lot of those random prescription pads around but I forgot where I placed them. So after going around the rooms trying to rummage through my mess, I ended up with only a small pad, which I reluctantly gave my mom. As she hurried off to work, I found the large prescription pads, so I rushed after her -- wearing my flowery must-not-be-seen-in-public house clothes, with hair unkempt, and eyes still groggy from sleep. I RAN around the barangay hall (we live behind it) in all my "glory" hoping to catch up with my mom, but when I reached the corner, I was just in time to see her get in a taxi.


All that running for nothing. Feh. >___<

GAMING IS EVIL.

Earlier this week, I said that I need to do a lot of things. I have to finish three anime series ASAP because I have to return them on Friday, and I have to clean my messy room because that's the right thing to do. But all I've been doing from morning to night is stare blankly at the PC, while leveling up characters and acquiring better weapons and armors.



I'm talking about my current addiction to playing AVEYOND 2: EAN'S QUEST, an RPG from Amaranth Games. I've played the first quest before (which took up a lot of my time), and now I'm into it again. When I open the PC in the morning to start my downloads, I try not to waste time by playing, but I end up playing and wasting time anyway. I know. I know. It's really a bad thing. T___T

This is also a similar situation when I started playing Ragnarok Online and also when my sister came home and "bribed" me with her PSP so that she can use the internet 24/7. I'm not really much of a gamer (I have poor coordination skills and poor sense of direction 0__o), but I enjoy uncovering clues and solving puzzles. I'm very meticulous when it comes to details, so I like leveling up my characters to the max and equipping them with the best armors and weapons. I also like to build up the relationships between the characters and I am wicked when it comes to collecting money and items. I take a lot of time exploring each place, and I revisit it two or thee times just to make sure I don't miss out on anything. It doesn't matter how many times I have to defeat the frogs and the snakes, I have to MUST collect ALL those money and experience points!!!

I'm even thinking about buying a PSP for myself, not really because I like to play, but because I can use it to read manga. But I think I'd eventually end up playing Monster Hunter anyway (and carve calluses on my thumbs trying to kick some Bulldrome butts). But right now that's just a distant dream because it's not really important (and quite expensive...). I mean, if I will buy a PSP then I'd rather save up for a laptop or a Sony Bravia, which would be a whole lot useful for my family, and not just for me.

I don't really want to spend majority of my life playing. I want my existence to be more meaningful. And so I should be going out there doing something relevant (or whatever), like perhaps do some community work or exercise to lose some weight and promote health awareness blah blah blah. But I am just too S E D E N T A R Y. My contentment and joy simply comes from just being able to use the computer and TV, and my labor consists of scrolling/clicking the mouse or pressing the forward-play button in the remote control. Heck, I don't even read books or draw anymore, let alone clean my room, do the chores or leave the house unless it's absolutely necessary (i.e. I have to work). Indeed, I am really quite THE BOMB BUM. >__<

I hope when I have kids in the future, they don't grow up like me. I hope they indulge themselves in sports and music and the arts and literature. I hope they develop well-rounded personalities and have more physical/social/spiritual awareness. I hope they know how to balance between discipline and fun, between work and play.


* AHEM! * (off topic already) * AHEM! *


Initially, I just wanted to rant about how I'm enjoying Aveyond 2, and how I plan to make fanarts out of the characters. But this turned out to be one random emo entry. LOL Anyway, I'd like to introduce you to the Aveyond 2 characters...



Ean Okho (The Shapeling)
Iya Tiki (The Singer)
Rye Zoyle (The Ranger)
Emma Willow (The Fighter)
Nicolas Pendragon (The White Mage)
Gavin Moren (The Warlock)
Ava One Eye (The Pirate)
Jack (The Thief)

As you can see, there's not much reference for drawing here. But since I'm burning with so much passion for this game right now, I might really just make a fanart or two. As long as my sedentary lifestyle won't overcome my priorities... As long as time will permit me... As long as I stop making excuses... As long as...




* goes back to playing * ^__~

PHYSICIAN'S SAMPLE NOT FOR SALE

When I was still a student, I really envied how the med reps would often approach our residents and consultants with their medicine samples and various give-aways. I would often wish for that day to come when med reps would approach me with their products and I'll have to sign their techie PDAs. (Actually, what I really wished for then was that they'd just give me some of those ballpens they always hand out as freebies... XD)

Well ever since I started working in a hospital, I have been receiving a lot of "covers" from med reps. Sometimes I feel excited, but when I'm busy, I would sometimes feel annoyed. And I also feel a bit of concern for them because they are always waiting on us doctors, flocking our ER doors as if our signatures and support really matter so much. I'm not used to this kind of attention. And with my training coming from government hospitals, I am actually not used to prescribing branded medicines either.

So for the past 4 months, I've accumulated A LOT of free samples, most of them are pretty useless for me because I have no need for them. I get one or two antibiotics with different brands, or one or two hypoglycemic drugs with different dosages, and a bunch of anti-hypertensives which I can't even give away to patients (because they are either too expensive, or just simply not readily available in the market). I have meds like Gabapentin, Cilostatin and Fenofibrate which I don't even know how to use. And I have dozens of Omeprazole and Simvastatin which I'm eager to give away (I thought of selling them to earn a couple of bucks but I think that's illegal... XD).

So I am left with this...


I tried to arrange them by brand names and types and whatever order I can organize them into, but I ended up frustrated and confused. I plan to just take the rest of the meds back to the hospital where I can give them out to my patients who'll probably thank me for them, rather than stock all of these at home to gather dust and wait for their expiration dates.

Occasionally, I do get some ballpens and fancy items, or useful meds like vitamins and cough remedies, but they somehow end up in my mother's stash.

Oh well. XD

I'M NOT YOUR SUPERWOMAN

Because of the current nature of my work, I have been living within hospital walls for the past three weeks. Although the people at work are uber-nice and the workload is bearable and (yes, thank you Lord!) there's good pay, but I felt all stressed out because of the simple fact that I'm always away from home. I'm away from my family, away from my dog, away from my PC, away from my usual ordinary and boring lifestyle. When I'm out there at work, I can't do the stuffs I used to normally do before (i.e. have coffee with my mom, clean my room, watch movies, download torrents etc). It made me realize that time at home is really gold, that I shouldn't take for granted my time with family, and that there really is no place like home.

Right now, I'm trying to catch up with stuffs that I need to do here (before I go back to work again next week... *sigh*). Some of them are relatively irrelevant stuffs though, LOL. But I thought I'd list them down here (in no particular order) just to give me some perspective...

» Download Drama/Anime Torrents.

After the PC got busted last month and had to be reformatted, I lost my very long list of torrent queues. Well, I think it's somehow a blessing in disguise because most of them were pretty random titles that I just clicked and probably won't watch. But now I started downloading some more torrents again...


(click to view clearer image)
As you can see from the list, I have Kurozuka and Kuroshitsuji there because I wasn't able to download them last month. I also have Code Geass R2, Terra no He, and White Album on the list. And I'm also supporting Hetalia: Axis Powers. For dramas, I'm downloading the raw version of Boys Over Flowers, the korean rendition of Hana Yori Dango which is gaining popularity these days. I'm just not quite sure yet how to load the .srt files with the raws, but I'll figure it out eventually... (hopefully... 0__o;)

I'm also looking forward to download/acquire the following Taiwanese idol dramas:

• Honey and Clover
• Love or Bread
• Superstar Express (ToGetHer)
• Miss No Good
• Extravagant Challenge (postponed indefinitely... *sigh*)

Oh yah, and I need to prepare/burn animes for my friend Jan and for my cousin Beth too!

» Download Manga Scanlations.

I don't know when I'll have the time to read these though. But I've been randomly downloading (or planning to download) the following titles:

• Monster
• 21st Century Boys
• Hot Gimmick
• Kare First Love
• Tokyo Crazy Paradise
• Cat Street
• Shinshi Doumei Cross
• Ore no Hanashi wo Shiyouka
• etc etc etc

» Clean Room and Arrange Things.


'Nuff said.

» Watch Pending DVDs.

Last month I've returned a whole bunch of borrowed stuffs. This time I plan to return Joey's DVDs and the rest of Gervie's stuffs by the end of the month or early March. But I still have yet to watch them...

• Darker Than Black
• Night Wizard
• KimiKiss Pure Rouge
• Tehnjo Tenge
• Baccano!
• SCRYED
• Berserk

Then I plan to watch Suoh's CDs so that I can return them next month. But I'm not confident that I can finish them.

» Read my Books.

Just finished Paulo Coelho's The Pilgrimage. And contrary to the high recommendations Gervie and Yume gave it, I actually couldn't quite appreciate the book. Maybe I'm just dense. XD

Next on list would be Katherine Neville's The Eight, which is a very thick book that Yume lent me. I think it's going to be an interesting read, but I'm intimidated by its thickness. LOL

I also bought a book yesterday - The Rule of Four - which was quite a bestseller last year (or the previous year?). I think that will be another exciting novel. And I still have a lot of unread books which I bought from Manila.

It's also important to read my Bible daily and to study my medical books everyday. But I still need more DISCIPLINE to be able to do these, hehe XD

» Finish Playing Aveyond 2.

I'm currently playing the PC RPG, Aveyond 2, the sequel to well... Aveyond. XD Somehow I think the first game was more exciting, but that's just my opinion.

I might make an Aveyond 2 fanart later on. But that's just a plan. And that brings us to...

» Finish Pending Drawings.

Right now I have 4 unfinished drawings, 9 unscanned artworks, and a whole bunch of ideas in my head which cannot make its way to paper because I lack talent. *sigh* But please continue to watch and support my DA page, my labor of love. I'm not yet good enough, but I try to make decent works, so hopefully people can appreciate my efforts.

http://pandaandpotato.deviantart.com

And I still have many other important things to do like...

• get my PMA ID
• go to the bank
• iron my clothes for next week
• update blog, deviantart, friendster, emails, etc.
• decide if I will change ISP from SmartBRO to Bayantel DSL
• have some scrub suits made
• buy toiletries, etc
• meet Joey on Friday
• meet Shay-Shay (not yet scheduled)
• meet Yume for exercise (hehehe, not so sure about this)
• etc etc etc

I wonder if I can finish all of these in just one week... So many things to do, so little time... *sigh*

GOODBYE 2008, HELLO 2009!

WARNING: Super LOOO000000ooooooooooNG and emo and disorganized entry ahead. XD

I know... I know... After disappearing for quite some time, I'm back here again with one of my I'm-out-of-hibernation entries again. Hopefully the hiatus (aka lazy streak) has ended, and you'll see more of my silly writings here. But who wants to read silly writings anyway... XD





Yah. I know. It's kinda late. Better late than never, so they say. Well, these past few days, I've been busy with work and all, and trying to get on with my life. Plus my PC was busted and had to be reformatted TWICE (last December and last month!). Excuses... Excuses... Excuses... >__<


Looking back at the year 2008, so many things have happened in my life, and also in the lives of the people around me... I made a whole lot of mistakes, made some life-changing decisions, lost some weight but gained them back again... Hmmm... I guess I'll jot down here (in no particular order) some of the highlights and realizations I had for the year 2008...




[MY FAMILY] : 2008 was a year about family.
Since I'm now based in CDO, I'm back in our "sweeeeeeet home" and in the loving care of my parents. The only thing missing here is my sister, since she went to work in Cebu. But I am glad to be home. I am glad to be able to earn my own salary, and to help pay for the bills. I am glad that I have the time to stay home, and help my mom do the house chores. For most days last year, I was actually the official "labandera" (washerwoman XD) at home. It was sometimes tiring to do the laundry, but each time I would remind myself of the sacrifices my mom did for us when we were still students. And then all my complaints would just drain away and I'll do my chores with a cheerful heart.

I also took my dad to the hospital for a general check-up and made sure that his medications are well-supplied. Before he had poor compliance because we didn't have enough money, but now I make sure that his health gets the priority. He also went through a lot last year. He developed drug allergies, his blood pressure went up and his fasting blood sugar shot up to 400! But thank God that my dad was able to overcome his struggle against his chronic illnesses, and now he's extra careful with his diet and he never misses out on his meds (a good deal of thanks here goes to my sister's company, which hands out an allowance for meds which we used to buy my dad's expensive maintenance drugs).

It's nice to be able to finally do something for my parents and in some way, give back to them the unconditional love and support that they've shown us through the years.


[MY WORK] : 2008 was a year of remembering and a bit of regretting.
I did not look for it but it found me. Because of my friend Sungmi, I was able to work under a Christian missionary group based in Libona. Working in Hosanna Cham Clinic was a blessing for me because I felt that I was somehow able to help the communities of Gango, Kinawe and Kili-og. Plus the job was so benign and it paid relatively well. I was also able to make new friends and appreciate their lifestyle in such a far-flung area. And the jeepney rides were priceless experiences for me. The ten months I've spent as a community/school physician in Hosanna is the first step in my journey as a physician, hence making it memorable.

I wish I can always think of my work in Hosanna in a positive light, but the truth is I often feel a gnawing sense of "regret". Looking back, I wish I could have made good use of those times. Maybe I should have tried to find another work that could've helped me build my confidence as a physician. Maybe I should have read more books and studied so that I will always remember important principles. And I even think that maybe I should have watched more of my DVDs since I have so much time back then. Yet I feel that I have accomplished nothing to make myself a better physician or a better person. It just gives me great sadness now because I think I've spent a lot of those times just being idle, eating till I gained a whole lot more weight, and just complaining about a lot of unnecessary stuffs. I also didn't save any money or bought anything important for myself. I'm tempted to say that I'VE SIMPLY WASTED MY LIFE FOR 10 MONTHS working in Hosanna, yet I don't want to disregard the friendships I've made or the lives of the patients I've treated. And that's why I just have to accept that these are all part of my individual growth.


[MY CAREER] : 2008 was a year of decisions.
I also made a life-altering decision last year regarding the path of my career. Before I became a doctor, I was so sure that I'd go back to the Philippine General Hospital and take up residency in General Surgery. But I told myself to just rest for a year first, and look where it got me now: AIMLESS. Moonlighting made me even more lazy, and it doesn't help that I wasn't working in a hospital setting. And so when the time for submission of residency applications came, I was half-hearted and very unsure. I considered not applying, contented in my comfort zone, but well eventually, I still applied for residency ... in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology! Well, I love OB-GYN too but I don't have that same passion anymore. Actually I don't have much passion for ANY kind of hospital training anymore. I just felt so lost, and so unprepared.

But still I packed my bags, pooled my funds, and went through the two weeks of pre-residency hell crap process. It was crazy and exhausting. I don't want to do it ever again! But it was fun too because I made new friends who were very supportive and with whom I worked well with. And in a crazy way that made me happy deep down. Or maybe I felt happier because I have my boyfriend close by. He makes me happy too... so so happy. ^___^

Well, anyway, to make the long story short, I was accepted but I didn't have an item yet. So it meant that my salary would be delayed (assuming that there would be a salary for me). But I chickened out and told them, "NO DEAL!". I wish I could say that I was indifferent when I refused the position, but the truth was that I was in absolute total agony for weeks. I was depressed, confused, angry, and felt all sorts of mixed emotions until I just gave in and disappointed everyone with my decision. Trust me, it was perhaps one of the most difficult and most painful choices I've made in my entire life, because first of all, it wasn't easy to get that slot. Out of the 56 who took the exam, they only accepted 16! And perhaps, an opportunity like that won't be given to me ever again. I really don't know. I was also financially broke too after my almost two-month long stay in Manila. I arrived home without a job (because I resigned from Hosanna already) and with only PhP 100 in my bank account. I couldn't even pay for my internet bill. And so I thought that going into residency (and without pay!) would mean that I'll have to depend on a relative again for my financial needs, and I do not like that. I don't want that kind of life anymore. I was fearful, and I listened to my fears. Maybe I didn't have enough faith that God will provide for me sufficiently, and that makes me shameful. But really, I think I've made the best choice. It might not be right in the eyes of many, but I have prayed about it, and I think it was the best way to go.

And honestly, I am so much happier now. I don't think I will feel this happy if I proceeded with the residency training half-heartedly. I believe that God will provide a path for me to trek again. And I hope by then, I will have the heart and the passion to accept His will for me.


[MY BOYFRIEND AND MY BEST FRIEND] : 2008 was a year for meetings, and for farewells.
Around the first trimester last year, my boyfriend came to visit me on my birthday, and to meet my parents for the first time. It was a bit of an awkward experience at first, but we were all relieved because everyone just became comfortable (and Cholo didn't get butchered by my dad. LOL), and my mom stopped giving me those lectures on "collecting and selecting more potential boyfriend materials". After their meeting, my parents somehow accepted the love I've chosen, and yes, it's indeed such a relief to have an openness and understanding within the family.

Also, by the end of last year, my best friend Catherine finally said the magic words (no, not abracadabra... XD) that sealed her in the lifetime bond called "marriage to Jason". ^o^ My friends and I felt as if we've lost an important piece of us as we saw Catherine play bride for real. Well, "losing" is actually not an appropriate word, since Cath is still reachable through texts and calls and emails. But it just won't be the same since she'll be living in Manila, and she'll be living with a husband! It's just not the same. I won't be able to spend lazy evenings at coffee shops anymore because I won't have anyone else to go with me and to just talk freely with. Oh, I miss Cath. But I'm sure Jason will make her so much happier, because he is God's special gift for her. Their wedding was so beautiful, because everyone saw God work beautifully in their lives, and we all just felt God's presence glorified and His approval and blessing on their marriage. But still I miss her...

I miss my boyfriend too.

So I guess 2008 was a year of missing as well.


[MY LIFE IN GENERAL] : 2008 was a year of realizations and growth.
For the most part of last year, I think the best word to sum up what I did to myself is IRRESPONSIBILITY. I've been irresponsible with my thoughts, with my actions, with my feelings, with most of what I am. I was not a good steward of my blessings, of my money and of my time. I did not grow spiritually, and did not try to cultivate my relationship with God. I was careless with my lifestyle, and pretty much had a disorganized life (coupled with a disorganized room and a disorganized hard disk). I allowed myself to deteriorate spiritually, mentally, and physically. I wanted the easy kind of life and didn't want to exert any discipline on myself. I pretty much accomplished nothing the past year. Irresponsible indeed. But let this not be a stumbling block, but instead let these realizations be a guide for my personal growth, that I may not commit the same mistakes twice, but learn from them, and become a better individual this 2009 and beyond.





I'm not the type to make "New Year's Resolutions" but for this year, I made up some "guidelines" to hopefully help me live my life victoriously. Let me just list down some of these random reminders...

12. For this year, I will moisturize daily.

11. For this year, I will keep my room clean and my things organized.

10. For this year, I will produce 2-3 new artworks per month.

09. For this year, I will blog as often as I possibly can.

08. For this year, I will read at least one chapter from a med book daily.

07. For this year, I will show some genuine concern for my health and wellness.

06. For this year, I will be a better steward of my financial blessings.

05. For this year, I will refrain from downloading/buying videos that I can't watch.

04. For this year, I will not waste time.

03. For this year, I will be extra patient.

02. For this year, I will be extra loving.

01. For this year, I will put God as #1 in EVERYTHING I do.

The keyword for me this year is DISCIPLINE, and hopefully I can apply that attribute into everything that I do and into every goal that I am trying to achieve. I am far from perfect, and I don't plan to be one. But what I want to be is to become a better individual, a more disciplined and Christ-filled person. And hopefully, I can be a little more of that this 2009.