A Piffle Princess Story

δυσθυμία

Somehow, nothing just seems to be going well, or right.

Work has been wonderful, until I found out that I was oblivious to the fact that I was already actually in a very nasty spotlight. Now I just want to quit my job. Everything now seems like a lie. Everyone's a fake. There is no one to trust.

Should such a thing happen, then I don't know what's my next step in life.

In fact, I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. In ALL aspects of my life. Be it with my career, with my love life, with my family and friends, with my hobbies...

I don't know what the future has for me. I cannot envision anything. I am desperately trying to hold on to the belief that God holds my future. But all I see now is NOTHINGNESS.

I have no idea what to do with my gadzillions of books, animes, dramas, files, and stuffs. Things just pile up, and I allow them to pile up. Yet they are all cluttered and in disarray. Hoarding seems to be a way out, yet it also keeps me in. How ironic.

Went out today looking for three books. Didn't find a single one of them. Those books were lying around for weeks and nobody buys them. Just when I decide to buy them, they disappear from the shelves. Just... GREAT.

Was playing a game that I totally enjoyed, and thought that perhaps, it was something I'm good at. Then system crashed and data file was corrupted. Lost all 50++ hours worth of gaming. What a waste of time and effort. I am such a loser.

I guess I've always been a loser, in many ways. Never the best, always second or worse, falling too short of everyone's expectations, including my own. I am sorry I let everyone down. I am sorry I have failed so many times. Made all the wrong decisions. Made all the crazy choices.

I have limited money now, and will probably quit from my job sooner than later. Yet I keep squandering what little cash I have. I am a total nutcase. A sad excuse for a human.

I committed to do something, but I fear of doing it. I fear people's reactions. I fear their criticisms. I fear that I am just not good enough. And perhaps that's true.

I want to do something, yet nobody f***ing supports me. Or believes in me. I now feel like cr@p for even thinking about it in the first place. I will never be able to do that. I will never have the chance.

I am hating every part of me right now. I hate how I look and how I'm fat and how I just don't conform to what society wants to see. I hate how I am. I hate me. I hate every part of me.

Don't bother saying something nice. It won't make a difference.

Maybe I'll be fine in a few days. Just, PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE.