MICROPHONE HERMIT

変わりたくて　変われなかった
kawaritakute   kawarenakatta...
このハートにサヨナラ
kono HATO ni SAYONARA

I just came back from going out with friends from work. We had a Family Day/Post-Halloween party at the hospital, after which most of the people decided to have some after-party fun. I wanted to be sociable, so I decided to tag along. We went to this new videoke place called Microphone Hero. It was a bit pricey, and the only room available was the biggest (and most expensive) one. But there were more than 15 of us, so I guess it was just the appropriate size.

Image from Microphone Hero FB Page

I thought the place was nice. There was a small stage for the singers, with two huge TVs where you can read the lyrics and see yourself reflected on the screen as well. On another side is another TV where you can play some dance games with the XBOX 360 Kinect. There are comfy couches on the sides. And the room has its own toilet too.

I rarely go out so I wanted it to be a fun night for me. I saw some of the people start dancing to the Kinect, and some of them started choosing and singing their songs. I wanted to sing but somehow, I couldn't choose a song. I haven't listened much to "normal" music since 10(?) years ago, so I'm not that confident in picking a song (I know, JUST PICK ONE, it really doesn't matter!). I was also kinda waiting for me to have my turn, but once again, I'm completely baffled on the "sharing" system when it comes to videoke sessions. I always notice that not everyone gets an opportunity to sing because a number of people tend to reserve several songs in succession and HOG the microphone. But maybe that's the way it is. If you're not aggressive enough, you just won't get your chance.

So I tried joining the people who were dancing because I thought it was exciting how the sensor on the console actually detects your movement. But the thing is: I CAN'T DANCE. I've always had poor motor coordination, and the movements on the screen doesn't make much sense to me so I couldn't exactly follow them. Plus, I don't think the console senses my presence. So eventually I gave up trying to mingle with that crowd too.

And so sitting on the couch, amidst so many people, I suddenly felt sad and lonely (plus I still haven't recovered from my exhausting duty yesterday). I wanted to kick myself for being such an unsociable person, for being so different. And when my eyes started to sting and I felt the threat of tears forming, I decided it was time for me to go. I actually don't have a curfew, and my mother always encourages me to go out with friends. But I thought I couldn't stay much longer as I was starting to feel suffocated. Besides, the crowd was getting rowdier and they was making me even more anxious.

So I went home. Gave some lousy excuse, left some money, said goodbye, grabbed a taxi. While sitting there in the backseat, I touched my eyes and they were wet with tears.

I am an oddball. 

I am such a weird, unsociable hermit. And lately, my ability to interact normally with people seems even more affected. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't even know where to focus my life. There's just too many wrong aspects in me right now.

Wanting to change, Unable to change...
Goodbye to this heart."
~ Sirius e no Chikai ~