MICROPHONE HERMIT

変わりたくて　変われなかった
kawaritakute   kawarenakatta...
このハートにサヨナラ
kono HATO ni SAYONARA

I just came back from going out with friends from work. We had a Family Day/Post-Halloween party at the hospital, after which most of the people decided to have some after-party fun. I wanted to be sociable, so I decided to tag along. We went to this new videoke place called Microphone Hero. It was a bit pricey, and the only room available was the biggest (and most expensive) one. But there were more than 15 of us, so I guess it was just the appropriate size.

Image from Microphone Hero FB Page

I thought the place was nice. There was a small stage for the singers, with two huge TVs where you can read the lyrics and see yourself reflected on the screen as well. On another side is another TV where you can play some dance games with the XBOX 360 Kinect. There are comfy couches on the sides. And the room has its own toilet too.

I rarely go out so I wanted it to be a fun night for me. I saw some of the people start dancing to the Kinect, and some of them started choosing and singing their songs. I wanted to sing but somehow, I couldn't choose a song. I haven't listened much to "normal" music since 10(?) years ago, so I'm not that confident in picking a song (I know, JUST PICK ONE, it really doesn't matter!). I was also kinda waiting for me to have my turn, but once again, I'm completely baffled on the "sharing" system when it comes to videoke sessions. I always notice that not everyone gets an opportunity to sing because a number of people tend to reserve several songs in succession and HOG the microphone. But maybe that's the way it is. If you're not aggressive enough, you just won't get your chance.

So I tried joining the people who were dancing because I thought it was exciting how the sensor on the console actually detects your movement. But the thing is: I CAN'T DANCE. I've always had poor motor coordination, and the movements on the screen doesn't make much sense to me so I couldn't exactly follow them. Plus, I don't think the console senses my presence. So eventually I gave up trying to mingle with that crowd too.

And so sitting on the couch, amidst so many people, I suddenly felt sad and lonely (plus I still haven't recovered from my exhausting duty yesterday). I wanted to kick myself for being such an unsociable person, for being so different. And when my eyes started to sting and I felt the threat of tears forming, I decided it was time for me to go. I actually don't have a curfew, and my mother always encourages me to go out with friends. But I thought I couldn't stay much longer as I was starting to feel suffocated. Besides, the crowd was getting rowdier and they was making me even more anxious.

So I went home. Gave some lousy excuse, left some money, said goodbye, grabbed a taxi. While sitting there in the backseat, I touched my eyes and they were wet with tears.

I am an oddball. 

I am such a weird, unsociable hermit. And lately, my ability to interact normally with people seems even more affected. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't even know where to focus my life. There's just too many wrong aspects in me right now.

Wanting to change, Unable to change...
Goodbye to this heart."
~ Sirius e no Chikai ~

CHANGES

"Che-che-che-changes saa, kawatteku / Sayonara, furui jibun..."

I'm back! And yes, still very much alive, thankyouverymuch.

After thinking things over, I guess I'll keep this blog for now. I'm just too overly sentimental to let it go, after having it as part of my life for like 10 years now. Though I think a few changes is deemed necessary. First of all, I really need to replace the blog banner since it's been up there since, like, 2011? I would like to change the lay-out too. But even with the more user-friendly lay-out system of blogger, I know I will just mess up, so I won't bother. Besides, I think I like to keep my blog as black and white forever. It seems easier to read and I don't have to think about matching colors. 

So I've scheduled this comeback blog post for November 1, 2013 because I think I'll choose to be "reborn" today (Oh Yah! On All Saint's Day!). I probably need to make a lengthy explanation, but I won't, because one thing I'm changing is that I will no longer (or at least I will TRY not to) write very long, emo, detailed entries in my blog. I just don't think it's healthy for me, or for any one out there who cares enough to read. Besides, if I make shorter, more spontaneous writings, then perhaps, I can blog more often. PERHAPS. (I promise I'll TRY not to be lazy again!)

Another thing I'm definitely changing is my physical self. I know I've said this too many times before and it just doesn't sound sincere anymore, but I seriously want to LOSE WEIGHT. Like, SRSLY. It's more of a need, really, as I'm starting to feel that I'm not getting any younger. My knees are now complaining because I simply am too heavy for my own good, and having Plantar Fasciitis makes walking so painful. Plus I feel like I'm being suffocated by my own skin. I don't know where this feeling came from, but suddenly, I don't want that extra slice of cake anymore. Suddenly, I don't want to be fat anymore. Suddenly, I don't want to be me anymore. But I don't want this to just be empty wishful thinking. I want to make this a reality, to prove to myself that I can. Yesterday I actually went to a wellness center and then to a nearby gym to inquire about their programs. But the center was closed for the holidays and the gym near our place has been closed since, like, 2012 (WTF I didn't know) so I will have to go back on another day to find me another gym where I shall defeat the Gym Leader and then collect his badge.

This year has been filled with so many changes I just can't seem to cope with them yet. From my father's illness, to the end of a relationship, to the start of new experiences, I feel like my life has been turned upside down (and it's still spinning nonstop). I think I've been depressed too many times over the past few months, it's no longer healthy. If not for my work, which exhausts the life of me, I think I'm slowly turning myself into a shut-in. But as much as the hikikomori life entices me, I won't give in to it. I want to be a better me. I still want to do so many things but I always don't seem to have the time, or I'm always too tired, or I feel like I'm just not good enough. I seem to be juggling so many things in my life all the time, but I'm not effectively accomplishing anything. I don't know if I'm not trying hard enough or I'm really just wasting time and I just need to give up everything and just focus on one thing. I don't know. I seem so tired all the time. And it's not even a physical kind of exhaustion. I am just ... really tired. But I will change. My life don't make much sense now, but I know someday I will become a better person and understand the reason for all of these. Even my younger self believed in that, on the very first day when this blog was conceived.

I know I've also said this so many times as well, but I would really like to prioritize my Walk with God above all else. I know in my mind what I must do. I know, yet I do not do. I tend to let so many things distract me. But I need to grow spiritually. Day by day, I need to pursue intimacy with my God. I want to have an abundant and victorious life, as how a child of God should live. And I know it starts with making changes in my life. 

So much for not writing long emo posts. Sorry for rambling. I'll just end this post with Base Ball Bear's PV called Changes...

"Changes, come now, I am changing / Goodbye to my old self..."

NEED A LIFT?

So after more than 17 days, we finally return home from the hospital. I am too tired and too depressed right now to write about it, so I'll leave that for some other day. When we arrived around 4pm, the house felt stuffy, and dusty and neglected. I went to my room and the first thing I did was to lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling for quite a long time. Then I stood up, got my wallet and bag, and left the house.

With all the thoughts occupying my mind and the mix of negative emotions I was experiencing, I just didn't want to be where I was. I needed to get out.

So I went to National Bookstore in Cogon hoping to find some solace among books on sale. When that failed to give me a peace of mind, I took a taxi to SM. Never mind that it's quite far and that there's really nothing I need from there. I just wanted to go far away.

It turned out that SM was having a sale, and with all the people rushing about, it didn't help my mood at all. Rummaged through stuffs in National Bookstore and Booksale, but didn't really find anything I want to buy. Since it was getting late, I thought of getting something to eat. But all the shops were packed with diners, and truthfully, I really didn't feel like eating. So, still in a trance, I found myself in Dunkin Donuts, and ended up buying half a dozen of donuts (still unopened even til now). And while I tastelessly munched on a Bunwich, I looked up and saw this poster, and I couldn't help but snicker as to how timely and appropriate the words were speaking to me. 

There are times in one's life when everything just seems to be going downhill. And I guess it's my turn to experience something like that right now.

Someday, I hope to look back on this and laugh about it and give myself an encouraging pat on the back and say, "Good job on overcoming all that!" But right now, let me just wallow in self-pity and drown in my tears. Let me just vent out my frustrations, complain and be selfish, and rant and rage in anger. I promise, come tomorrow, I will be OK. 

But for now, just let me be.

TIRED AND SLEEPY

I am soooooo tired and sleepy. I still have to work tonight. But it's too hot in my room and I can't sleep. Boo.

Yesterday, I was working in a company clinic in the morning, and my eyes were literally drooping. Tried to wake myself up by playing Gods Eater Burst on PSP.

Then in the afternoon, I worked in a mall clinic. I was still sleepy and so I took out my PSP again. Finally finished the main story for Gods Eater Burst then I ran out of batt. To kill time, I started doodling. Was looking for a reference when I saw this poster in front of me... （。´∀`。）

Then in the evening I went to another company to work. There was so much traffic and I had a hard time getting on a jeepney. I was fifteen minutes late, all dusty, and was still sleepy. The first thing I did was hit the bed, but the patients were heartless and kept waking me up especially in the wee hours...

GAAAAHHHH!!! I'm so sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppyyyyyy.....  And it's so hot........ ヾ(×× ) ﾂ

DON'T TOUCH MY BIRDIE!

Blurred out the details for the event
cos readers of this blog might gate-crash~ >__<;;;

My friend is organizing a surprise party for her parents to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary. Because of the tight budget, I found myself appointed (yes, I didn't even volunteer! ~___~) to make the invitations. At first, I was like "OK, I'll just copy-paste something from the net~" but sadly, it didn't turn out to be that easy. I had to read up on wedding invitations, deal with pdf files, download a bunch of photo-editing programs which I don't know how to use, and had to forcefully drag my boyfriend into the situation so he can lend me his Photoshop skills. The template was downloaded from this site but per request of my friend, one of the birds was changed to blue. The final editing were done by me using MS Paint and MS Word, cos those are the only programs I am comfortable with. (yah, I know. So pathetic, really~ TAT)


This is still subject for approval later today, but I think it looks kinda meh and might not look very striking against a pink background. I should have used stronger colors for the fonts. I know I could have done better. Maybe if I know Photoshop maybe I can improve this, but it's kinda late for that now.


In other news, I'm back to feeling all melancholic again. I actually spent the entire day sleeping, because I was feeling all downcast to the point that I didn't know what else to do. And the bad thing is that I don't feel any better, and I'm still sleepy. 

LIFE-CHANGING

So I was riding the jeepney home with my earphones on and blaring at the highest volume.

As I was nearing my stop, I took off my earphones, and then promptly heard the intro of a familiar song playing from the radio...

And the first thing that popped into my mind was: 

"Wow. If there was one song on earth that I would consider as life-changing, this would probably be it." 

My being a doctor. My college degree. My otaku lifestyle. My occasional anti-social behavior. 

My emotional defense mechanisms. My approach to my relationships. My cynical and eccentric moments.

Yeah. All of these and more.

Blame this Aaron Carter song.

I think it's funny, but then I'm not really laughing.

THE MELANCHOLY OF ME

For some reason, I was feeling a bit gloomy today. So after finishing the anime Ano Natsu de Matteru  (which didn't improve my mood), I left the house for a while. Dressed simply in shirt, jeans and slippers, without even bothering to comb my hair, I went to the bank, then walked to the nearest National Bookstore. Being around books usually calms me, but still I wasn't too happy. After an hour of not buying anything, I left the bookstore, and bought some DVDs...

Sailormoon TV first and fifth seasons FTW!

I've watched Sailormoon during my younger years, but was never really into it, so I couldn't recall much of it. But this is an essential watch for all otakus IMO. I've always been planning to download this, but don't really have enough disk space. So I guess this is a lucky find, as these copies are relatively cheap and have lots of episodes per disc (46 for s1, 34 for s5). They have the Japanese audio and English subs too. Now if I only have the time and patience to watch them...

Buying the DVDs didn't get me out of my melancholy though, and since it was starting to drizzle (and the skies weep with me, d-oh!!!), I decided to buy some hot bread and chocolate cake for my parents before heading home. Wasn't really hungry though so the cake still hasn't been sliced even until now.


I wonder what's wrong with me. I was already feeling this way last night, and I think it's probably because I haven't been accomplishing much. I don't have a regular job yet and I don't seem to be doing anything about it; I can't seem to move on in any of the games I'm playing; I'm still (and forever will be) at page 108 of the book I'm reading; I don't know how to finish the artwork I'm currently doing (and really wonder what's the point in all these drawing when I don't really seem to be improving); I'm still not done with the invitations I promised to make for my friend; And I even got mad at my boyfriend last night (but we already made up). 


I guess these are just one of my low days. Hope I'll snap out of it soon.