CHANGES

"Che-che-che-changes saa, kawatteku / Sayonara, furui jibun..."

I'm back! And yes, still very much alive, thankyouverymuch.

After thinking things over, I guess I'll keep this blog for now. I'm just too overly sentimental to let it go, after having it as part of my life for like 10 years now. Though I think a few changes is deemed necessary. First of all, I really need to replace the blog banner since it's been up there since, like, 2011? I would like to change the lay-out too. But even with the more user-friendly lay-out system of blogger, I know I will just mess up, so I won't bother. Besides, I think I like to keep my blog as black and white forever. It seems easier to read and I don't have to think about matching colors. 

So I've scheduled this comeback blog post for November 1, 2013 because I think I'll choose to be "reborn" today (Oh Yah! On All Saint's Day!). I probably need to make a lengthy explanation, but I won't, because one thing I'm changing is that I will no longer (or at least I will TRY not to) write very long, emo, detailed entries in my blog. I just don't think it's healthy for me, or for any one out there who cares enough to read. Besides, if I make shorter, more spontaneous writings, then perhaps, I can blog more often. PERHAPS. (I promise I'll TRY not to be lazy again!)

Another thing I'm definitely changing is my physical self. I know I've said this too many times before and it just doesn't sound sincere anymore, but I seriously want to LOSE WEIGHT. Like, SRSLY. It's more of a need, really, as I'm starting to feel that I'm not getting any younger. My knees are now complaining because I simply am too heavy for my own good, and having Plantar Fasciitis makes walking so painful. Plus I feel like I'm being suffocated by my own skin. I don't know where this feeling came from, but suddenly, I don't want that extra slice of cake anymore. Suddenly, I don't want to be fat anymore. Suddenly, I don't want to be me anymore. But I don't want this to just be empty wishful thinking. I want to make this a reality, to prove to myself that I can. Yesterday I actually went to a wellness center and then to a nearby gym to inquire about their programs. But the center was closed for the holidays and the gym near our place has been closed since, like, 2012 (WTF I didn't know) so I will have to go back on another day to find me another gym where I shall defeat the Gym Leader and then collect his badge.

This year has been filled with so many changes I just can't seem to cope with them yet. From my father's illness, to the end of a relationship, to the start of new experiences, I feel like my life has been turned upside down (and it's still spinning nonstop). I think I've been depressed too many times over the past few months, it's no longer healthy. If not for my work, which exhausts the life of me, I think I'm slowly turning myself into a shut-in. But as much as the hikikomori life entices me, I won't give in to it. I want to be a better me. I still want to do so many things but I always don't seem to have the time, or I'm always too tired, or I feel like I'm just not good enough. I seem to be juggling so many things in my life all the time, but I'm not effectively accomplishing anything. I don't know if I'm not trying hard enough or I'm really just wasting time and I just need to give up everything and just focus on one thing. I don't know. I seem so tired all the time. And it's not even a physical kind of exhaustion. I am just ... really tired. But I will change. My life don't make much sense now, but I know someday I will become a better person and understand the reason for all of these. Even my younger self believed in that, on the very first day when this blog was conceived.

I know I've also said this so many times as well, but I would really like to prioritize my Walk with God above all else. I know in my mind what I must do. I know, yet I do not do. I tend to let so many things distract me. But I need to grow spiritually. Day by day, I need to pursue intimacy with my God. I want to have an abundant and victorious life, as how a child of God should live. And I know it starts with making changes in my life. 

So much for not writing long emo posts. Sorry for rambling. I'll just end this post with Base Ball Bear's PV called Changes...

"Changes, come now, I am changing / Goodbye to my old self..."

WHEN GOD CLOSES A DOOR

Four years ago, I went with two close friends to PGH to apply for a slot in their OB-GYN Residency Training program. After a month of pre-residency, I got accepted, but I chickened out. A lot of valid reasons to justify why I didn't pursue it back then, but looking back, well, those were probably just excuses.

Two years ago, I mustered up the courage to go back again. This time, I went alone. I stayed for more than a month. I thought I prepared myself really well for it, but I just wasn't prepared for this...

Well, it's been almost two years now since that letter. I've just never seemed to have learned to move on. It's like all these years I have been chasing after that dream, but it has been an elusive one. In fact, I've always wondered if it's just all wishful thinking. I'm not even sure if I want to be an obstetrician-gynecologist, if I want to spend my entire life taking care of women and delivering their babies. I never really considered applying for other hospitals or preparing for another field. So since I don't have a Plan B, let's just say that I've been a little lost since then. I just don't know where else to go.

So, with the intent of taking a step forward, I decided to submit an application to train in the tertiary government hospital in my city. It may not be as prestigious as PGH, but I've had my clerkship year there, and I know that their training is excellent. But I was very busy and depressed last month, and was still so hesitant about handing in my application. So by the time I submitted my papers last Wednesday, there were already TEN others who have been scheduled for pre-residency for the next three months. And only TWO of them will be accepted come January. The chairperson of the department politely suggested that I follow up my application some time JULY of 2013. In other words, come back again next year.

And since I didn't apply in any other hospitals, I guess I'm not training again for another year...  (╯︵╰,)

At this point, I really do not know what to do with my life anymore. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm also losing my endurance in working and my drive for my profession. I want to look at this positively and understand all of this, but it's not like anything in my life right now is going anywhere.

I am quite disappointed with myself and with the fact that my application wasn't successful. Disappointed, but not really devastated. In fact, I was surprised that I was able to accept it easily, and that I was even relieved. My prayer was that if I won't be accepted anyway, then I'd rather not be wasting time and effort doing a month of pre-residency. I wasn't expecting God's answer to be a form of rejection, but the chairperson of the department was really nice and sympathetic about the whole thing, and so I actually didn't feel like I was turned down. The thought that came into my mind was that, "When God closes a door, He does it with a really loud bang!" At least I got a crystal clear answer.

As a friend from church said encouragingly, "Thank God for unanswered prayers, because we know that there's something else better in store for us." Maybe, it's just not meant to be. Or possibly the timing isn't right yet. I might still have something I need to accomplish. Plus I'm currently enrolled in GLC and I still have to finish the course so I can graduate this March. But whatever my future holds, I know Who holds my future. That's pretty much the dogma that has been sustaining me through this trying time, this wandering in the wilderness for many years akin to what the Israelites went through. And I know that He would never leave me nor withhold His blessings, cos as soon as I left the hospital, job offers for the next two months came through my phone. There's even work until April of next year that's being offered to me! The doors for residency training may be closed for now, and I probably still won't know where I'm heading for. But I am still a physician and no one can take that away from me. And I have my security and my peace in my God, and that too, will always pull me through.